I Am Concerned.

Lately i have been doing research in to Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been compairing my triats along with those who suffer from BPD. I am concerned because I believe I may have it. Ever since I was a teenager I have had depression come and go periodically. I never really thought too much into it. I used to cut myself, thinking that by killing my self things would be better. I would get so angry at just about anything that bothered me. I would straight up fly off the handle and break things and yell. I thought that everything that happened was so terrible. I still get like that from time to time but its not as bad. But I have other issues. The past 3-4 years, i have just about pushed away every man I have dated. Even if i am in an amazing relationship, and im so in love, I will find some excuse to push him away and break it off. I just get so afraid that something is going to ruin my happiness or i will ruin it some how. But I am really the one who ruins it in the end. I am the one who pushed them away. Its my fault I am alone. Everytime I get out of a relationship i feel the need to find another guy to be with. I could have been dating you for 3 years and loved you with all my heart, but once its over, give me a few weeks and I'm in another relationship. (that really happened too.) I am rarely ever single. I am always with someone. Its almost like i need to be in a relationship at all times, just to fill what ever gap or void I think I may have by not being with someone. Sometimes I wish i was single. But the minute I am I get lonely and afraid, and I send myself into this panic and I feel like I will never be loved, or that I am uncapable of truely loving someone like I have some sort of defect. But i get so dependent on whom ever I am with that I latch myself to them, and I will do anything just to be with them, well.. untill I get afraid again and push them out the door. I am always in one fu**ed up relationship after another. And I am NEVER safe with sex. Not like im trying to get pregnant or anything. I want to meet the right one before I have kids. But I like to have unprotected sex. Dont ask me why, but its almost as if I like the risk Im taking. But if a guy I have been sleeping with (unprotected) suddenly changes his mind and wants to start using condoms.. I get offended. Well, not really offended but I dont like it. It almost makes me mad. God, I feel like I am so f***ed up in the head sometimes. And my thoughts get so weird at times, I scare myself. I think all of these aweful things (that probably will never happen) but I think that they will and I picture these violent scenes and scenarios and freak myself out. I get my self into these rediculous situations, that I shouldnt even have to deal with. When a guy flirts with me. I will flirt my a** off right back. I love the attention. I crave it, but if I dont really "want it" from YOU then I will panic if you take it too far when I am the one who has lead you on. Randomly I will feel completely worthless, and ugly. I hate myself sometimes. Last week I was having one of these moods, and I got all suspicious about my boyfriend and told him I thought he was cheating on me, and i sent myself into this little depression type thing. It only lasted about an hour or two. But it was completely pointless and unnecissary. There wasnt anything I had any reason to be suspicious about. And i threw a fit about it anyways. I think I was attempting at pushing him away, I was trying at least. But he proved me wrong.. I guess and I instantly, well almost instantly snapped out of it. I feel like im on this extremely strange roller coaster. Im always up and down. Sad, angry, or happy. I dont really know how to control it. Although I have gotten a billlion times better with my anger. I just dont know what to do. I think I might have Borderline Personality Disorder.. What do YOU think?
Inkdblondie67 Inkdblondie67
18-21, F
2 Responses May 19, 2012

I think so. I am not diagnosed bpd but bipolar but I think I have it. I do the push pull (what my hubby calls it) which is actually the ideation devaluation phase it can be done to break off the relationship BC of fear or whatever. I used to do this too in past relationships I'd sabotage it and blam what do you know single! But I digress. I think you do have it tho but you can work on it and check out dialectical behavior therapy it helps alot

Your story sounds so similar. I too have been researching BPD because I have been to so many therapists over my life to address my feelings and behaviors, but no one seems to have an answer for me. I sort of feel like the mental health community has failed me. I've been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder, social phobia, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and most recently - a "control freak." I have not been diagnosed by a professional with BPD, I just firmly believe it is the only "label" out there that fits. I am not even going to go to the doctor because I don't want more meds, and I feel like I can fix this on my own. We'll see ...