Don't Want to Hurt Him

He is a sweet man.  A wonderful man.  A man that deserves the best he can find.

But I think I made a huge mistake.  I feel more and more that I married him for all the wrong reasons... very, very wrong reasons.  Reasons like safety, security, being a good person...  not for reasons like love, desire, passion. 

No, I don't mean passion as in sex...  I mean passion as in that drive you feel to simply see the other person.  To simply be near them, to be part of their world.  To share your world with them.

And he has changed too.  He is not the same person that waited for me at the end of the aisle.  He does not take care of things the way he did when we were dating: bills, repairs, maintenance...  and that gets under my skin.  It leaves me feeling alone, battling daily life by myself.  And I am starting to resent him for that.

But the kids love him so much.  And deep down he really is a good man.  sweet.  kind.  And totally loves me. 

But I don't love him.  I am shamed to say that I am not sure I ever really did.  And there are only two ways out, and both ways will hurt them all.  But it does not show him any honor at all to force him to stay a lifetime with someone that does not feel the same way he does.  A good man like him deserves better than that.  Better than what I can offer him.

dyin2live dyin2live
31-35, F
7 Responses Aug 5, 2009

I understand what your saying i too met a young lady who anyman would desire but after being separated from her for so long i met another woman whom has introduce me too a thang that no woman has introduce me too and that is God, I have started going to church more and more and i found myself falling in love with the other woman, but i still love the other woman even though at times she really get's on my nerve's with her i have to be perfect, and lfeel that i can't make mistakes this other woman takes me for whom i am but i love both of them

My heart goes out to you; that must be such a difficult position to be in.<br />
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Reading your post though made me feel a should think more about my own relationship too... so thank you.<br />
I've been with my partner for 4 years now and I always wonder about that - about whether I'm with him for the right reasons; it's all the reasons you mentioned above I think and I worry.<br />
But then at times I feel so head-over-heels in love. Then not again.<br />
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Ahhh sheesh what to do.<br />
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I wish you well and pray your head finds clarity ;)

I would love to know what you decided to do. I am in a similar situation. I decided to let him go. that was just last night. I am not sad.. but he has not acctually left yet either. I will see in time. But I know in my heart, mind and body that I can be stronger without him. Dying inside is not the life I wanted. <br />
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Stick in there..

I know exactly how you feel .. really .. around two years ago I felt exactly the same way as you .. I had been neglected by my husband for a long while although he didn't really realise he was neglecting me .. he worked hard and socialised with his brothers instead of me and our 3 children. I started to look elsewhere for someone who would love me and want to be with me .. I hurt my husband very very much in the process .. I asked him to leave and he pleaded with me to give things another chance .. I said no .. he's a strong man and found himself a girlfriend really quickly (we've only been separated 4 months) and is moving on even though he is heartbroken. However, now I realise that I have made a big mistake .. I miss him everyday .. I lie in bed every night when the kids are asleep and cry for what I have lost ... <br />
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If you do leave him ... just be sure it's what you really want ... are you really bored with him .. or just bored with your life as I was .. is he really the problem<br />
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If you do think your life will be better without him .. and bear in mind you might never find another special person .. then you should go .. life's too short

Yes VideoGuy I know all too well myself. I chose to divorce my first husband. But that was because he was sexually and emotionally abusive and was on his way to being physically abusive. He would get in my face and scream at me while I had a child on my hip, holding my son away from him...the child came to me because he was scared of my husband's temper. And my daughter stopped me dead in my tracks one day when we were in the car after my divorce, telling me that she rememberd waking up to him screaming at me late at night... those were the times he was screaming at me that I wouldn't **** him. And when I'd go in to check on her she'd fake being asleep... that situation deserved leaving.<br />
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But this one I am not so sure of. I know I do not love him the way he loves me. But I cannot yet stand the idea of breaking his heart. He has had enough heartache in his life and I am his first marriage... and he waited over 40 years for me. I do not feel I am doing him a good turn by not loving him but I cannot stand the idea of hurting him if I left him. I am so torn between giving him the chance at happiness with someone else and the knowledge that me leaving him would probably do him in emotionally and he would never recover.. I am far too torn at this point to acutally leave. But the thought is still there way too often for my comfort.<br />
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(btw...I am very drunk at the moment so I am sorry if my comment seems to ramble or not make sense.)

Imagine for a moment that I am your husband reading this. I may be your husband. I think everything is going great. But now, after I read this and know it's you, what am I feeling? What do I want to say? I'm not trying to throw a guilt trip at you. Things are what they are. You obviously care about him on some level. If you take one of those two ways out, your life will never be the same. Believe me, I know.

When I married my husband I also thought I loved him to bits, but I've been questioning that love for the past 2 and half years, and it's not getting better. And yes, I know all about the resentment - I also have it, and it is because he just isnt there for me in the way that I need him to be. Which makes me ask myself - how much do I really love myself to allow myself to be in this situation? At least we don't have kids yet, so it would be easier. but I also dont want to hurt him, as he does not deserve it.