Maybe....

Clinical depression runs in my family.  My grandmother has it, all four of her kids, including my mom, have it, my father's mother had it, and Lord only knows what my father could have--he's so dependant on alcohol....

It started when I was in middle school.  All of the kids thought it was cool to be "gothic" or "punk" so they would walk around saying how much they hated their lives, even though they had everything going for them.  I was one of them... but I took it more seriously.  I wasn't making things up to be cool... I meant it.  Some days I wouldn't eat at all, and others I would eat enough for an entire army.  I cried, a lot, and didn't find solace in anything except for reading.  I wasn't sleeping enough some nights, and other nights I would fall asleep at 4PM as soon as I got home from school and sleep straight to 7 the next morning.

I have what I call "episodes" all the time, and have since I was about fourteen.

An episode is... When I say I'm having an episode, I have this dull ache in my chest, usually accompanied by some form of stomach ache.  I cry, or I feel nothing at all. 

When I was younger, fourteen-sixteen, these episodes were always crying.  All of my friends that I had at that point accused me of being "emo" or "whining" or told me to "get the **** over it."  They didn't understand that I wasn't trying to be cool, I wasn't trying to be that angsty teenager that everyone, for some reason, aspired to be.

Now, the episodes I have manifest themselves in a different way.  I get completely numb.  I don't cry... I'm just numb.

Nothing makes me happy.  Not jokes that someone tells me, not a hug from my family, not even the love of my sweet boyfriend... nothing.

It scares the hell out of me.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now.  I know that he's the one for me--but that's for another entry.

Anyway, sometimes, I just don't feel anything for him at all.  He'll express his love to me, and I just... don't feel it.  We've almost broken up because of this multiple times, but ALWAYS when I snap out of the episode, I love him just the way I always have. 

And, its not just him.  I will feel no affection for my mother, my siblings, not even my goddaughter.  Nothing.

It frightens me so much.  I'm afraid that I might not really be in love with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid that I'm losing affection for my family.

Of course, when it's better, I feel everything the way that I'm supposed to.



Nowadays, I hardly ever come out of my room at home.  I don't have the energy.  I've been sick for a month or so, something in my stomach, but, as soon as I wake up in the morning... I just feel.. dread.  Dread and exhaustion.  I just want the day to be over so that I can escape to the realm of dreams again and not have to feel worldly pain.

I have never seen a counselor/doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist about this problem.. I'd love to, but I haven't yet.

I just don't know what's wrong with me.  I want to be better, I really, really, REALLY do. 

I try finding outlets, I try taking my mind off it, but... sometimes these episodes go on for days and I just have to sit back and wait for it to disappear.

 

.... what's wrong with me?

..... Why can't I love? :'(

Truli Truli
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 2, 2010

I've 'held' myself before--I think we're talking about the same thing.<br />
It just seems so hopeless..<br />
It's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Thank you for your comments.