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I Am Dying Inside.....

I am a happy, fun, motivated woman who works full time with two children, one by my husband. We have been married 7 years. I got my degree at age 22 and have been working hard ever since. As a single mother with no support from my ex, I was able to relocate to a beautiful beach community and buy a home by the age of 23. I was fun, beautiful, happy. Introduce my husband. He came into my life at a time where I was lonely and wanted a stable companion. He had no baggage that I could see, had a stable job. He seems to be nice to my child, which was important. Then, I was careless. I became pregnant. He was THRILLED, as he always wanted kids. I was not so thrilled. He could barely support himself with his job as I came to find out. However, he begged me to give him a chance. We initially decided to move in together, but my family threw a FIT. They insisted I marry him if I was going to move him into my home. I now think that was the BIGGEST mistake of my life.

During my pregnancy, I worked full time. My husband would work 3 days a week, often sleeping late and playing video games. I had to work until the very end of my pregnancy so I could get the most time off with my new baby. He was not doting at all, which hurt my feelings. He was good during the labor, catching the baby as he was born, giving him his first bath, driving me to the pharmacy to pick up some pain medicine after I went home. When I got home, the behavior of childishness resumed. He would stay up all night playing Xbox live on a headset, oftentimes being loud and waking up the baby as he and I tried to sleep. If I took the baby to another room, he would have a temper tantrum. He would not help me at night, as he couldn't breastfeed, but wouldn't help with diapers or anything else.

My husband has moved from one crappy job to another over the past years. I paid for trucking school, which he passed. However, he couldn't deal with the long distances and literally cried like a baby and rented a car to come home. His "good" job now is working full time making $10 an hour. When you add up his own personal expenses, such as his loan, his car, his cigarettes, it isn't much.

To be honest, I could deal with the money issue if that was the only problem. Some contribution is better than none. However, he is beyond lazy. I have to nag and complain and yell to get him to help me around the house. I did all the yardwork last weekend because he thinks the lawn growing 3 feet high is fine. He leaves wrappers and cups all over the place, especially his computers, where he plays his video games. He now Plays World of Warcraft literally every chance he gets. He comes home for lunch and plays. He sits right down at the computer and plays until bed.

When I thought about marrying a man for life, this is not what I had in mind. I wanted a motivated man who liked to hike, camp, play ball with his kids, who liked to host football parties, loved my family and friends despite their flaws. I wanted a man who wanted to treat me well, not ignore me until he wants sex, then badgers me and throws a tantrum until I finally give in to shut him up.

Sex.....I love it. Just not with my husband. He smells. He disgusts me. I cannot be attracted to a man who sits and is lazy. I want a man who acts like a man. I am not a stay at home mom. I come home from my work day to kids who have missed me and need my attention. Dinner needs cooked. Things need done. I want a man who sees that we are a team and help me out. I want a man who gets that if he helps me out, that it is a HUGE turn on.

I have talked to my husband quite openly and honestly about my feelings in this marriage. I get one of two possible responses:
1. I cannot control your happiness woman. You are just an unhappy person.
2. I know I should be helping more. I promise to try harder. I am slowly improving.

I get number 2 when my husband hopes I put out. I am sorry, but him putting his own mess away should not be the improvement I have been hoping for.

I have dropped the D word on my husband. He has made it clear that he will make the process miserable for me. He will try and take custody of our son even though he cannot afford to support him. He will try and take money from the home I bought and have paid the mortgage on for 12 years. He will make this drag on and on. On top of it all, I don't have money to divorce him and am afraid of all I stand to lose.

I have called a therapist to make an appointment for counseling. He has finally agreed to go, though I honestly think he is desperately trying to figure out a way out of it. This is the last straw for me.

I want the old me back. I want to be happy, less stressed. I feel like I am tied to an anchor in a turbulent sea, fighting to stay above water.

I would love some advice....
Findingmyselfat35 Findingmyselfat35 31-35, F 6 Responses Jun 21, 2010

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..Hi, I am hoping that by now, since I just looked at the date of your post, that you have moved on, with your life. I would put the house in your first child's name, to keep your husband away from it. Get a divorce as soon as possible, your lawyer will not let him have your son, earning the money that he is making, he can't even get a house, probably. Do not let him intimidate you. He is really immature and selfish. You will be so much better off. Good luck to you.

You need to look at the goals in your life. When you married him I hope you didn't think he would change because he most likely never will and don't try to change him. You need to swallow this reality and live with it. This person is who they are and that is it.

If you really want a divorce you need to fully research everything before you go into it or even mention anything to your husband. Especially since he pretty much knows this is going to happen and it seems as though he is going to try and get as much out of it as he can. You need to talk to someone that knows the legal system with divorce and can help you out. It will be messy but the longer you drag out a unhealthy relationship is just days of your precious life that you are throwing away.

Some days it will takes a toll on you, I pretty much settled for that lifestyle since both my hub and I had never seen eye to eye. I felt more like a maid to him than a wife.



After 22 yrs of marraige, you would think it would easy leaving now that my daughter is 21 but, she is now in a new phase in life where she needs our support .



Someday days I feel like I am back to square one....putting obligations first and walking a numb path of life.

I am here and am ok. I cope with my marriage by having zero expectations other than he have a full time job. I figure every adult 18+ should be expected to, so he is no different. He manages that right now. Anything else he does is a bonus.



I have given up trying to do things as a couple. I read, I spend time with friends, I hike, grow a garden, play with my kids.



I think this *could* be tolerable until my kids are grown.....however, after that point, I just don't know if I would have any reason to stick around. So until then, I am fully enjoying my kids and my life as a woman with a roommate that is my husband.

You started this with the comment that you are a happy, fun motivated woman.... Many relationships have one partner doing more than another. In your relationship you are the one and you've known that for seven years. It's a magic number and at your age you can do that several more times. Something powerful brought you seven years into a relationship.



I admire your ability to remain happy after having to put up with this lazy bum. If being with him makes your life miserable then you have no choice but to ditch him. On the other hand if it's you that is miserable a divorce might make you feel worse.

I wonder how you are doing these days?