Feeling So Torn...

I have been married 10 year and with my wife for 12 altogether. We have 3 kids together. My wife had an affair 6 years ago and since we separated at that time and got back together, our relationship has been on the decline. I have had 2 affairs in the past 2 years. I had been feeling unhappy and waited and hoped things would turn around and get better at some point. At different times one or the other of us would be making efforts to improve our relationship, but we never seemed to be working on improving at the same time... always on different pages.

The first affair i didn't really take seriously... I never planned or wanted to leave my wife for the other woman... when I went through with it a second time I knew I had to seriously re-evaluate my desire to stay in this marriage. So this most recent fling has been going on about 6 months, my wife has found about it to an extent... she knows about our communication and us meeting in person at least once... but she has said even just an emotional affair is an affair in her mind and that's all she needed to know.

I have talked to her about another separation, but we both know if I leave, this time we are most likely done... I will end up spending time with the new flame... So my wife went away for two weeks to think things over and came back with her thoughts on what she would like to do... She is willing to work on the relationship, make things right and do whatever it takes to work through this. Everything she proposes is reasonable and even desireable for what I would view as ideal going forward in repairing our relationship... I on the other hand, still am not sure I want to stay. I think given the fact that she is perfectly willing and motivated to work things out and I still question my desire to be in this relationship is a big deal... I'm just not sure what i should do at this point . Part of me feels like i'd be making a mistake in leaving someone who is willing to try, and part of me feels like I'd be making a mistake by staying in a marriage i'm not happy in...
blackboywonder blackboywonder
36-40, M
3 Responses Aug 9, 2010

Sorry to hear it didnt work out for you and your wife. Kids will be ok, they ll adjust, just try not to be petty about things and show them you still love them just the same any way you can. <br />
As for the experience, you d be a damn fool not to learn from this one and improve yourself. <br />
Best of luck!

Yes, I wrote this 2 years ago and since then, we did eventually separate, and ultimately began the process of a divorce... The hardest part of making the decision really was considering how it was going to affect our kids... They are still adjusting to separate households and split schedules... They still mention from time to time that they want things back to "normal"... So that's been the most difficult part... But as far as my marriage I think I made the right decision... I don't feel any regret about ending things beyond how my kids will have to adjust to this all over the years... But you all were right, the cheating and compromise with unhappiness was not worth the heartache... But I have learned a lot for my next relationship and it all opened my eyes to things I need to improve about myself regarding relationships as well as fatherhood... Definitely a learning experience...

BBW:

Wow thanks for writing your experience.

I have the same thoughts and I can really understand where u r coming from.

I'm on my 3rd affair, and on my 2nd attempt to file for DIVORCE.

I knew after my 1st affair, that I was bordering not loving my spouse anymore &amp; that I had gone to the edge - never to return!

The 1st affair ended, and I moved on to another fling; who showed me alot about myself.

I still realized between the moments....that I did not want to be married anymore!

So after dismissing the 1st divorce proceeding because my spouse was willing to make it work or try, I caved in, with REGRETS.

Try at what? There is no love!

I'm on my 3rd affair. I have feelings of unhappiness, regret, anger, saddness that I know I must heal from.

I know my behavior is wrong, but so is the lack of intimacy, support &amp; love devastating too.

Sometimes we must end things so that we can move forward. A former flame told me NOTHING LAST FOREVER!

I too must work on self &amp; heal. I am encouraged by your writing.

I am finalizing my move and divorce soon....this all is a learning, and growing EXPERIENCE!

When we marry for the right reasons,ofcourse, we usually have this ideal picture of what love, marriage, relationship should be like. Well, somewhere along the way, work, kids, money issues,you know, simply life happens and we find ourselves lost and unhappy, missing things and compromising for the greater good. Compromising not just with our spouse but with ourselves too. <br />
Now, you guys havent sorted out issues when they apeared and you ended up looking for what you need elsewhere. You cheated, she cheated... I dont believe its easily fixable, infact i think its not fixable at all unless you are both willing to turn pages and work, work, work hard on your marriage, honestly and at the same time. You saying that you are not even sure if you wanna work on it is sentencing you to failure.