Divorce With Grace

From today's DailyOm.com:
Divorce With Grace

March 20, 2008
A Life-Altering Decision

Like the act of marriage that binds two people together, divorce is the result of a life-altering decision. It is the dissolving of a relationship that we believed would last our whole lives. We may not even be able to articulate how we got to this place, yet we may also feel we have no choice but to sever this tie. Whatever we feel, we need the support of the friends and family who will stand by us no matter what we decide. At some point, we may need to be challenged to look deeper inside ourselves as we make this very important decision, but what we need most of all is unconditional love and loyalty.

Divorce is a process that, once in motion, becomes difficult to stop, and this can be painful if we find ourselves having second thoughts. We may feel that we should do more to save the marriage, or we may wonder if there is something about ourselves that we could fix or change instead of going through with this painful separation. On the other hand, we may be seeing in hindsight that our marriage was truly only meant to last for a short time so that we could learn something we needed to know. Whatever the case, we need friends who will allow us to linger in confusion when we don’t have the answers and who will support us whether we find ways to reconcile and stay married or whether we walk away.

Of course, the most essential ally we have lives inside our hearts and speaks to us from within. We can trust this inner guide to help us choose people who will support us in kind and loving ways as we navigate the rough terrain of confusion and loss. Sometimes all we can do is look to the horizon, remembering that we will get through this time, and no matter what happens we will once again feel whole.

noexcuses noexcuses
36-40, F
16 Responses Mar 20, 2008

I left him in September of 09. Married in 1994. He was away at sea for most of the time and when he came home he had his other stuff, motorcycle,guy friends, membership to Elks and American Legion. I worked full time till 2003 and retired. Three children had grown and move on with lives. We moved to an island off the coast in a beautiful home that felt so good, but he began to withdraw. I actually had left him periodically. He was so hard. Self centered and I just was so much connected to him, could not communicate as an adult woman. Long story, but I found him on FB with a old girl friend and it was the final straw. Left everything, home, furniture, etc. for three years have been trying to get my life together. He has moved on and is living with a new woman. Our home is vacant and up for sale. I can not bare to see him because my gut hurts so bad and I go down a very black hole, even tho I would not go back, I feel like I am coming off from some addiction. Lost, confused after all this time. Have filed for divorce but he asked for postponement because of health conditions and his is on my insurance. So confusing, but I said yes. Have a lawyer who I think is really loosing patience with me. Could go on and on, My gut is raw and in so much pain because today he came to the town I live in to go to the Elks and ask if we could meet to give me some tax paper. Did. He gave me the paperwork and we talked and he left. (I knowing full well he is at the Elks here with her. IF I go for a few weeks I am ok, but any contact and I end in depression and lost. I was not this woman before I hooked up with him, but now I feel lost.

Good insight. And women ending up feeling sorry and to blame for all the failures. Im on it for 3 years now... staying for the kids and for fear of what's ahead for me and the kids

Thank you! This helps put things into perspective!

I was thinking of divorcing my husband of 16 years . Though he did not have an affair but it's the emotional issue which makes it unbearable. We havent had sex for 9mths , we do not talk to each other anymore (as i dont enjoyed his dismissive altitude when i tried communicatin with him) , i tried to get the family together for lunch or dinner gatherin but always got the same answer from him which was he's too tired to go out with me. When his friends invite him for tea or lunches he never says no to them. So i always ended up eating alone and at the same time seeing other happy families gather together eating i felt soooo happy for them...

This is beautiful, and perfect for my situation. Thanks for posting! I needed something like this today, like you can't even imagine. <3

I'm tired of being stuck and making the excuse of "staying for the kids sake" when I'm only taking the easy way out.. hurting in the process

I feel like I am staying for the kids sake. Or maybe I am just terrified of a divorce. My husband is a different person when backed into a corner. life is so hard lately.

I have been in my marriage for 27 years and for the last 18 years I have regret staying ... <br />
I think that quote by oaksmithc "To me that spoke to that moment when I realized to continue would be the easy way out; It's telling the truth before it gets too ugly." spoke to me. I have been taking the "easy way out for 18 years" I guess its time to woman up and face the truth that I can not do this any more and start to live my life.

Really puts things into perspective. Thank you.

This was nice to read. I am planning on divorcing my husband.....like to the point where I have the papers signed, I just need to file now. I have felt so lost bc I have been keeping it quiet for the most part and I feel like I am going crazy at times. But I know divorce is the best option, especially for our kids. Reading this post made me feel better. Thank you.

good luck. I will be there soon.

Thanks noexcuses. I don't trust my inner voice or whatever you call it as much as you do. All I know is even if i wanted to I couldn't make a difference in my wife's life she is that far gone (personality disorder). Most of the people who have dealt with disorder of this type tell me two things, they will never get better and leave as soon as you can. I remeber the day my counselor told me I would never have a normal life if I stayed with my wife. It was like a death sentence. Now years later I don't think I can go on anymore.<br />

What type of disorder is it? From what I am reading mine has Borderline Personality Disorder and uses Negative Reinforcement manipulation with me and my children.

She has borderline personality. I never heard of negative reinforcement manipulation. Mine was negative and all about manipulation.

Great read, inspirational as well. thank you!

Love the article! Most memorable for me was our best ally "lives inside our hearts and speaks to us from within." To me that spoke to that moment when I realized to continue would be the easy way out; It's telling the truth before it gets too ugly... And it's about dissolving a partnership with no regrets and respect for the marriage, no character assasinations... (for me 25 years)..<br />
It's no fun but I must respect my allies who are angels navigating this storm.<br />
Thanks for your work!

Never heard it spoken like that.... "to continue would be the easy way out..." Thank you. I needed that.

Thanks for this...I needed it.

I am in the same boat and it is a very painful process. My wife and I have tow great kids, 7 and 4. I really don't have many overt complaints and frankly many of the missing elements of our marriage are my fault. I just don't feel comfortable with her and her self assured personality and aggressive confidence brings out the worst in me. Don't know if I'm just a selfish a hole running from commitment for temporary pleasure or really matured and understanding that I need something else to thrive.

Thank you for your story...<br />
This is a hard topic to write about and even harder to go through.<br />
I am hurting and looking for some bandaids.. Thanks for offering this one.<br />

I'm glad you found it helpful. It put the subject in much needed perspective for me.