I Can't Be His Mother And His Wife

I’m writing this because I need to get it out of my head and just put it out there… I married my husband 2 years ago. We had been together 4 years and lived together for 3. We got married, I got a new job, we bought a house and got pregnant all in 3 months time. We were surprised and excited for this new life. After a year in our new home and a new baby we started to have some serious issues. Money issues mainly. I would walk on egg shells around him so he didn’t get mad about not having money to buy a pop or a can of chew. I have asked him to open his own bank account but he refuses. Just doesn’t do it. His pay gets put into our joint account and I try to budget for both of us. He spends over 700 a month in gas just to and from his job. He overdrafts our account because he doesn't budget for anything...pop, chew, fast food. The hubby has been “looking” for a new job for over a year and hadn’t even been offered a different job. He is still in the same position… a physically demanding production based job that he goes to at 4 am, 7 days a week. So him looking for a new job was actually me applying for him. When I needed to make more money I constantly applied and interviewed for jobs. After 2 Months I got a new job that paid 5.00 more an hour, provided benefits and paid time off! He is 30 and served 8 years in the USMC he has work experience and veteran’s preference, I just feel he isn’t putting any effort into this. This year has been even worse as he was zero help with the baby. He has never got up at night with her. If he wakes up to her crying he wakes me up to get her even though we both work. He is gone before I get up in the morning so I get her and I ready, drop her off at daycare, go to work and pick her up. He will be home asleep on the couch because he usually is home before 2 pm. If he does get her from daycare he waits until 4pm because he needs his nap. Sometimes he has days of during the week. Instead of keeping her home with him he has me take her to daycare and he sleeps in …he can’t even help me get her around in the morning. He gets mad when I dont clean or do the dishes but he's home at noon napping. We started counseling in July. I’ve told him everything I feel. How I need things to change and he says he is trying and I just can’t see his effort. He honestly hasn’t tried at all. I asked him what he has done because if he has done things I want to give him credit…he couldn’t name one thing he had done that we talked about in counseling and he’s like I don’t keep track of things like you but we did a family dinner a couple times this week. Right we did but that was effort on both of our parts….I said I ask you at least once a week at counseling for the past 2 months to get a bank account and apply for new jobs…he goes I need money to open an account and I looked for jobs at my grandmas. I said how did you look for jobs at your grandmas and didn’t you just borrow 150.00 to buy a tree stand?! He was like I looked in the local news paper and yea but I needed that stand. Then he goes see I’m wrong again. He borrowed 150.00 for a “toy” and we have unpaid bills piling up. He does have a temper as most military men do. He was usually able to control it but over time he is getting worse and worse. Example: He has thrown a folding chair across a room before because he couldn’t find a pair of pants. Stupid things like that will still set him off. I am at my breaking point so the temporary solution was to have him leave and live somewhere else till next Monday. This is supposed to make him appreciate me and I will appreciate him more. He was pissed, hurt, frustrated and so was I. When I got home from picking up the baby his truck was still at our house….I looked for him all over the house and couldn’t find him…he wasn’t in his truck either…he had set up an air mattress in the garage. No! Like really?... no! He said he had nowhere to go I let him sleep on the couch last night and he doesn’t have to work today so hopefully he will be making some big steps but who knows. His best friend lives 2 miles away his mom lives 25 min away; he has places to stay. I feel like a horrible person because I know he loves me, I know he adores our daughter but he needs to take on some responsibility!
Kalihansmom Kalihansmom
6 Responses Oct 4, 2011

He left last night...only took his tooth brush so i know he will be back at least to get clothes. I dont want him in my house! I want him to be living away from us for a while. Not coming home from work at noon and hanging out there till I get home then him leaving. I found out last week (while he was supposed to be sleeping) on the couch he was sneaking into our room and snuggling me for a few hours then going and sleeping on the couch. So weird!

You really need to make him leave. He needs to be away from you, and you away from him so you can both see what life is like without the other. Sometimes it's a great wake up call. Sleeping on an air mattress in the garage is not going to happen.

I really hope he does! Good luck for Monday. ;)

Thanks for the comments. I just want him to be the man I know he can be....but it doesn't seem like he is going to step up. We'll see we go back to counseling monday.

That can't be fun, I am sorry.

I cant tell you what to do!! But i think your right asking him to leave if only for a short while. My husband has never accepted his responsibilities as a father or husband. And now 23 years later ive decided enough is enough! I understand when you say your like his mother doing everything for him, and you get no help. He is acting like a child throwing things in a tantrum. I have two daughters and they have witnessed their father being abusive and violent and that makes me feel so guilty, You have no need to feel guility asking him to go, as you say he does have places he can go too. Yes he loves his daughter, but his involvment with her is little. I really do hope things improve and work out for you as a family. But please promise me you won't wait 23 years!! if they don't!!<br />
Take care,