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What Happened?

Two years ago I married my husband. I have known him since high school and I could have sworn he was a great guy. We were happy at first. He had a son by a previous marraige which lasted less than a year. He lived with his mom, though he made plenty of money. I was working then, as well. After we got married and moved in together I got pregnant and was very ill and restrained to bed rest. He stopped getting his son when he was supposed to and I realized why he had been living with his mom. He did not want to take care of his son, so his mom did. And when we got married, I did. He continually wanted to "go out" still, and did. Sometimes alone, sometimes with me in a wheel chair. I ended up in the hospital last January with preeclamsia and our son was born 7 weeks early. He was very very sick. He had two major surgeries and numerous "procedures" while he was in NICU. I stayed with our son the whole 72 days he was there at the Ronald McDonald House and my husband stayed at home. I rarely recieved a call or visit, and when I did, he did not want to visit the baby, he wanted me to have sex with him. When I told him I was physically unable after having a c-section, and continually high blood pressure, he seemed upset and would not call for a week at a time.

After our son came home from NICU, he told our family and friends that he was there a lot which was a lie and they knew it. He did work a lot- 60 hours a week so I didn't deny it (you have to pick your battles). A few weeks after our child came home, he was volunteering for extra shifts at work, saying we needed the money when we didn't. We rarely saw him. On the weekends when he was not at work he would say he was tired and so I let him not helping with anything slide. Then his work started cutting hours, and then pay. When I worked I made twice as much as he did, so I said I would go back and he could stay home with the boys. His son was 4 and ours was 5 months old, still with numerous problems, and he said that it scared him to even think about handling them alone. I had been doing it since our son came home from the hospital, so he took a different job with less hours, easier work, and much better pay. He did not like the job at first and explained to me every day when he came home how it was my fault that he had to take it. Eventually, he started to like it more than his first job. But he would still come home and claim tired. One Saturday in July, I asked him to take care of the kids while I went with a friend to lunch and he exploded. He told me I could not go, I could not spend HIS money, I could not drive HIS truck and leave my car, and that my friend was stupid and that he hated her.

I had never been told I couldn't before. I'm not innocent in this, I blew off some steam onto him as well about how he never offered to hold the baby or cook or do even his laundry. He got up and left. He was gone 4 days, and when he came back he acted like I shouldn't have cared where he was. Since then, the only time he helps is when we have company. Not before they get there (I hold the baby while cooking and cleaning), but just when people arrive. He always wants to "get someone to watch them" and would every day of the week if I allowed it, but he never will call and ask anyone to do it. I have to. He wants to have sex with me all the time but he goes days without saying anything to me, and when he does speak, its like a volcano of anger. Most of the time in front of the kids. He thinks I'm cheating on him (he is a repeat offender in cheating), he lies to me about the most ridiculous stuff- like what he had eaten that day, and recently has opened a seperate bank account to deposit his check in. He gives me an allowance.. for groceries, gas, his car payment, his 4 wheeler payment, insurance, the electric bill, and gas bill. There is NEVER any extra. His only responsibility is to get the rent to the owner of our house and just today I found out he has not paid the rent this month.

If I leave him, I will never see his son- who is like my son- ever again. He swears if I leave he will sue for custody of our son and I won't be allowed to see him. It will never happen. He doesn't even know where his diapers are.

I am at my wits end.
dancingfree dancingfree 22-25, F 4 Responses Jan 23, 2012

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I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You do not deserve to be treated in this way. It sounds to me as though you might be in an abusive relationship. A book that was life-changing for me was "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Know that you are not alone. So many women have been through what you are experiencing. You are strong and deserve so much better.

Ok... Thats sad... But at least now you know where you stand and what you should do. Oh, and dont threaten to leave unless you are prepared to follow that through. Cause if you do and dont follow that through, than its just empty threats and he ll never take them seriously.

Well, He is 27, and I am 24. Today I tried talking to him about it and he walked away. I said "We need to talk, because I need your help." He didn't speak to me for the rest of the day until he asked me what I was planning to make for dinner. I tried to talk to him again and he told me that I was being rude and selfish, that he brings home "the bacon" and I should be pleased that he is even around. I told him that I was not at all pleased and he needs to buck up or I'm gone. I asked him if he would go to therapy with me, and he told me that only crazy people go to see a therapist. I see one regularly. Then he got ready for work, 2 hours early, and left.

Im so sorry to hear this... How can someone be so selfish? How old is he? Someone should explain to him that his childhood is long gone, that he has kids of his own now and needs to sacrifise some of his selfish needs and habits and make an adjustment with his current life. You make him sound like a very immature person. Now, ok, i know most men are not capable of adapting so quickly to change when they marry and especially when the baby comes, but, honey, your man has alot of work to do if he wants to keep his family life. He sounds to me like someone who will not hear you untill you do something radical. I suggest you first think about what possible options you have, what you would agree to or not, and then confront him, explain your feelings and ask him to make some crucial changes for your kids' sake. If he doesnt want to change anything and is happy the way things are now, then i suggest you run asap, cause you ll be miserable with this man for life. <br />
Why do these men ever marry and ever have kids when their behaviour clearly says: i dont want kids around? Good luck to you. Try to remain calm and balanced, think about what you want for the future and what would make you happy. Think carefully before you act and give us an update.