I Think I Want a Divorce
As I had mentioned earlier, my husband and I were going in to see our therapist today. I had been isolating myself from him lately, mostly because I thought that it would just be phony and wrong for me to act like everything was fine, when I was about to drop a bomb on him.
The session went well. We were civilized and neither of us were overly dramatic or emotional. My goal was not to make him feel bad (cuz he really didn't do anything wrong) but I couldn't continue to live this life of lies. At some point I did blurt out that I wanted to move out this summer... a trial separation. That sort of stunned him.... he didn't know what to say. The therapist kicked in and said "now didn't we discuss last time that you weren't going to be impulsive and run away?". She was right. So I presented both her and hubs with my new idea, which may work out pretty well. I will move into one of the bedrooms. It will be mine and I can sleep alone in there (ok... I won't be alone because the doggies always snuggle next to me). Therapist thought this was a great idea, because I wasn't physically abandoning the household (including my kids, husband and responsibilities). Hubs just sort of silently went along. Well, that works for me! So this weekend I'm going to try to get MY room together. Right now I have a ton of laundry to fold covering the futon/bed. I'm actually OK with this arrangement for some weird reason. Maybe I just needed MY space, ANY space.. and the really cool thing is that I get to "escape" sooner! I now have inspiration & some motivation to finally get the laundry washed, folded and put away!
He did bring up the question of what did this mean about our relationship? I told him the truth... that I was pretty much shut down towards him right now. Therapist explained to him that because I've been so overwhelmed with so many things on my plate... finances, my surgery, daughter soon leaving for college, my needing to get a job, my car in shop needing a new transmission, wanting to run away... so many things, that it's probably a good thing that I have a little space right now. BOOYA!! In your face! She basically told him to "back off" pushing the relationship issue. Whew... cuz I wasn't in any condition to go there. I would have just told him... "you do know that I was just going to leave you, right?"
I guess if anything this session gave me some validation about my feelings of entrapment and helplessness. I'm not a crazy coo-coo *****! I know having my own room is such a little thing, but it really feels BIG to me! Its like I was given an early birthday present!
Now we'll just have to see if this really will put me in a better place so I can snap out of this funk and start living life again. He did bring up what were we going to tell the girls? I said why not just tell them that I'm sleeping in a separate room so we can sleep better. I go to bed so late and my snoring disrupts his sleep. So when I'm in my own room, I'll start using my C-PAP machine again so maybe I'll start getting some decent sleep too. Honestly, I doubt they will even think anything is wrong. They know I often don't go to bed until he gets up to go to work. So us NOT sleeping together isn't a big deal.
Have a good weekend everyone. I may not have a chance to get online this weekend. We are going on a campus visit Sunday and on Saturday I have a swim meet to take my daughter to in the afternoon and a bingo fundraiser Sat nite.. I know I did that backwards, Sunday before Saturday... but I'm tired and ready to go to sleep.
Well, his clock alarm just went off.... time for me to go to bed. :O
The session went well. We were civilized and neither of us were overly dramatic or emotional. My goal was not to make him feel bad (cuz he really didn't do anything wrong) but I couldn't continue to live this life of lies. At some point I did blurt out that I wanted to move out this summer... a trial separation. That sort of stunned him.... he didn't know what to say. The therapist kicked in and said "now didn't we discuss last time that you weren't going to be impulsive and run away?". She was right. So I presented both her and hubs with my new idea, which may work out pretty well. I will move into one of the bedrooms. It will be mine and I can sleep alone in there (ok... I won't be alone because the doggies always snuggle next to me). Therapist thought this was a great idea, because I wasn't physically abandoning the household (including my kids, husband and responsibilities). Hubs just sort of silently went along. Well, that works for me! So this weekend I'm going to try to get MY room together. Right now I have a ton of laundry to fold covering the futon/bed. I'm actually OK with this arrangement for some weird reason. Maybe I just needed MY space, ANY space.. and the really cool thing is that I get to "escape" sooner! I now have inspiration & some motivation to finally get the laundry washed, folded and put away!
He did bring up the question of what did this mean about our relationship? I told him the truth... that I was pretty much shut down towards him right now. Therapist explained to him that because I've been so overwhelmed with so many things on my plate... finances, my surgery, daughter soon leaving for college, my needing to get a job, my car in shop needing a new transmission, wanting to run away... so many things, that it's probably a good thing that I have a little space right now. BOOYA!! In your face! She basically told him to "back off" pushing the relationship issue. Whew... cuz I wasn't in any condition to go there. I would have just told him... "you do know that I was just going to leave you, right?"
I guess if anything this session gave me some validation about my feelings of entrapment and helplessness. I'm not a crazy coo-coo *****! I know having my own room is such a little thing, but it really feels BIG to me! Its like I was given an early birthday present!
Now we'll just have to see if this really will put me in a better place so I can snap out of this funk and start living life again. He did bring up what were we going to tell the girls? I said why not just tell them that I'm sleeping in a separate room so we can sleep better. I go to bed so late and my snoring disrupts his sleep. So when I'm in my own room, I'll start using my C-PAP machine again so maybe I'll start getting some decent sleep too. Honestly, I doubt they will even think anything is wrong. They know I often don't go to bed until he gets up to go to work. So us NOT sleeping together isn't a big deal.
Have a good weekend everyone. I may not have a chance to get online this weekend. We are going on a campus visit Sunday and on Saturday I have a swim meet to take my daughter to in the afternoon and a bingo fundraiser Sat nite.. I know I did that backwards, Sunday before Saturday... but I'm tired and ready to go to sleep.
Well, his clock alarm just went off.... time for me to go to bed. :O
By:
Patti616
Age:
46-50
