Not Bad, Just Not Good

I find myself in an awkward position. I've been married to a really sweet woman for just under 19 years. We have two young boys...the younger boy is pretty severely disabled and has been very difficult for us to manage. Autistic, uncontrolled epilepsy, many medical complications. In the last eight years, my wife has really shown me what an absolutely great mother she can be, but has completely lost her sensual and intimate sides.

I have full time employment and we are lucky enough to be able to support ourselves on just my income. My wife takes care of the house and the bills and anything that the family needs. Unfortunately I don't feel like I'm a priority in her life. She's always plesant and takes care of all the little things...laundry, groceries, shopping, etc...but rarely has time for 'us time'. She is almost always willing to be intimate if I engage, but I can't remember the last time she tried to engage me or came up with a fun idea in that arena. I've expressed my frustrations many times. Doesn't seem to matter. Or, she say it's in my head and that she engages me all the time, but I don't notice.

Anyway, as I mentioned, this has been going on for about eight years. I'm very frustrated and don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like a low priority in her eyes. I do realize that my younger boy is an extremely difficult child to manage, but sometimes I want to be able to close the bedroom door and have her complete attention. That NEVER happens. Reading back, I feel somewhat selfish, but I can't help but feel like little more than just a bank machine. As long as my job keeps money in the bank, everything in my house is fine...not good, but fine.

So I've been considering a separation. Counseling is not an fault, I grew up in a family that went to counseling for years on end and I just don't see any value in the effort. I have nothing good to say about the process. I do know how negative that sounds, but it's not something I'm willing to waste her's or my time on. I'm not desperately unhappy, but I'm not happy or even look forward to coming home anymore. I do love spending time with my boys and it bothers me when I think about how much of their lives I'll be forced to miss if I separate from their mother.

Grubsknif Grubsknif
6 Responses May 22, 2012

I agree with enkooo2002, the first step is we always need to look at ourselves first, more specifically on how you can engage your wife in intimacy more often. (1) Find a caregiver or babysiter you trust that can care for your disabled son, maybe a respite worker? (2) Coming from a woman's perspective, learn your wife's biggest turn ons; (3) do a lot of foreplay - all over the body; and (4) Surpriise her with a very sexy teddy or other sexy clothes. On #2 you may all ready know her biggest turn ons, such as what gives her the biggest *******? But on #3 there are lots of other areas of the body that turn a woman on, such as the feet and ankles on a woman are very sensitive! our wife works hard, his and lick her ankles, and give a her a great foot massage (with your hands). Massage oils are nice. On #4 this is not for every time you want to be intiminate. But getting your wife some sexy clothes, in colors she likes, or you like, she will see it in her drawer and be more enticed to surprise you! Message me if u want to talk more.

Thanks Ladydragon, appreciate the advice. I do feel like I know most of her turn ons(could be wrong), but I'm more than willing to work harder and find some new ones. Read through your stories as well...good luck. :)

Just a thought...when something is not going right for me rather it be my marriage, my job, my friendship...anything...I first look in the mirror and think, what can I change or what can I do better. Have you ever thought of what you can do, change or make happen to make yourself and your marriage happy?

Thanks for your comment. You are right, that is the first and most important thing to do in these types of situations. Self inspection can at times be a pretty tough pill to swallow. That's part of the reason I chose to write this story on this site. Thanks again.

To begin with your Wife seems like a pretty good one, she doesn't deny you sex, pays bills and takes responsibility. I think the problem lies with you, like someone said.. you sound bored. You should try finding a new hobby that you can find joy from. <br />
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I wouldn't divorce, it's not fair to your Wife, she's done nothing to warrant that sort of punishment. <br />
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As for the bank machine comment, welcome to the depressing world bro... pay bills and pay some more bills. <br />
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It's not her fault, she didn't create the system we're forced to live under.<br />
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Good luck, but seriously go out get a hobby meet some new people who enjoy the same things you do!

Thanks for your post. As I mentioned, my situation is awkward. Unlike so many other posts I've read, I don't hate my wife...just not happy.

You are welcome... I understand what you are trying to say... Ultimatelly, the choice is yours and only you really know whats best for you and what would make you happy. I was just trying to put a perspective ba<x>sed on your story, not judge you in any way. Best of luck

Thanks for the post....pretty much the voice of my own conscience. I'm not looking to grab up some 'hot 25 year-old'. That's the easy part. I'm looking for a lot more. I agree that it is amazingly tough to find a good partner, but I also have needs and expectations. Not personally one of those people that believe that there is only one RIGHT person out there for you. Sexless marriage is not an option for me. Thanks again for your thought provoking post.

Yeah, the way you make it sound, your only problem is your own boredom with your marriage. Ok, so if you leave this woman, you really think a hot 25 year-old will jump in your bed showering you with all the attention you need? And even if it does happen, how long can that last? And you dont suspect it will be cause of your money?<br />
Good partners are hard to find, dont just throw everything away over a minor issue. Your wife cant make you happy if you are unhappy by yourself. <br />
You should definetly read few stories in "i live in a sexless marriage" group. Theres people there going through much worse and stil coping. <br />
Good luck!