Everything In A Nut Shell....

We met at work. He mended my then broken heart and showed me that not all men are the same. We fell in love and married 15 months later. My daughters are not biologically his but he is all they know. Things went sour. I caught him red handed. He was emotionally cheating on me with a co-worker of his (who was also married) just after 2 years of marriage. I sought comfort in someone else. Although platonic it was nonetheless an inappropriate relationship because him and I were both married. We made it thru that rough patch and grew stronger together.... or so I thought. Somehow along the way we lost that very reason why we stayed married. Although he has shown drastic changes for the better we still managed to become roommates. Those changes will never out weight what has become of us. And yes, I've shown my appreciation. There is no sex, no intimacy, no conversation, no affection, no laughing, no loving gestures, no kissing, no flirting, no cuddling, he doesn't even come to bed anymore....NOTHING. I found out later thru one of our last serious conversations that he lacks the desire, the want and need for sex. We have no connection even though we still have a few things in common. There are more reasons for me to leave him than not. But something still keeps me from leaving. We were not married through the church so it is not religion that keeps me from leaving. Maybe it is that ounce of hope I still have. I don't know why I am still hoping that this is my happy ending if I feel so miserable. I believe I have expressed my thoughts and feelings (these that I write) to him in various ways. The end result is still the same. No improvements. My thoughts of divorcing only grow stronger. I cry myself to sleep often and lose sight of myself during the day. I am trying to stay strong for my girls but this is emotionally tearing me apart. I feel alone. Utterly abandoned. He makes me believe in his false promises. I've told him he says those things only to keep me at bay and to stop me from leaving. Truth is, I am a rare find. I am more woman than he can handle. He is nothing without me. I know that if I leave I will not remain single for long. Still I can't find the courage to leave. Oh, and did I mention he gave me an incurable STD? Yea. He says he never knew he had it. He was tested after we were already together for months. That test proved to be his first outbreak but not how long he has had it. A year later I was diagnosed. I feel even more regret to have met him because of that. Especailly because this is leaning towards divorce. So among feeling the usual I also feel resentment towards him.
I am torn between here and there. I don't know what to do. Marriage Counseling isn't for us. He knows it and I know it. I know I love him. The thing is I am not in love with him. Haven't felt that way for a while now. It's only a matter of time before I file for divorce.
MyOwnAmericanHorrorStory MyOwnAmericanHorrorStory
26-30, F
Nov 29, 2012