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Maybe I Should, Why Cant I?

For the nth time, i'm here again with the sob story that my life is.
My husband - I cant decide for the life of me why I'm still with him.. there are times i know he seems like a good person, but he has emotional issues, definitely - I'm his punching bag (thankfully not physically anymore).... Everything wrong in his life is because of me... but everything good in his life is also because of me - he admits it.. which is nice to know but doesnt make my life any easier... I'm doing everything that makes him happy, makes my 1.5 year old daughter happy- i know life's a compromise but i have forgotten what its like to be me - to do stuff i want to do... Welcome to India, the life of a woman after marriage i i'm stuck in a time warp... India has gone further than those backward times where the woman suffers everything... but i guess howmuchever i'd like to be "modern" - the traditional me takes over so easily - although i dont want it to... I'm like everywhere by his family -near or extended (for being a modern-traditional daughter-in-law- by my family for being the oh-so-fierce & independent daughter. for being Two different people.... my in-laws love me, adore me... and i have worked very hard at it...
But he- He yells at everyone & everything when he will, I know he loves his daughter but nothings greater to him than his ego and him. He is a bad influence on her - i think - because he teaches her nothing good... but thats just me... he thinks he's being normal but he aint.. i dont want our daughter to be another him...
I want to go away- move away ... but i know i'd hurt a million people on the way... he's done a lot for me but i sometimes wonder whether they were really for me or behind the facade it was somewhere deep down for his own self.. as i said nothing drives him more than his ego ... I cant be a punching bag nomore... I know I'm bordering on depression - i just cant come out of it... i just cant get myself to take that all important first step... why? coz it would spoil all that i toiled so hard to bring together - his family.... i will lose their love n respect - but does that matter so much?
i'm so confused... If I were in the west I dont think I'd give it as much thought.. i seriously wouldnt have... in fact this would hv been over atleast 8 years ago (we've been together 10 years now - married 9 years)...

I dont mind his drinking... which has become more frequent and more uncontrollable... but when he is drunk he doesnt know what he's saying, what he's doing... I hate to see him out of control....

he's never really been in control of his life except the 2 wonderful years we had in this normally rough patch... i guess those 2 years keep me wanting more... it never did come back... is getting worse...

I'm so confused.. i dont know where to start, where to end... end my life? end the marriage? when will all this end.. I need help !!! ... I do...

lyfsux lyfsux 31-35, F 1 Response Dec 16, 2012

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Hi,

Somehow i feel i can understand wat u r gng through. Wat it feels like being trapped n not knowing wat to do... I dont know wat to do either. I also sometimes feel to run away but i cant its becoz i'm coward of being alone, or becoz i know i'll hurt others, or i'm afraid wat society will do or say to my family or just becoz i'm confused. All this confusion and restlessness made me depressed a lot. I still dnt know wat to do just trying to live my life day by day.

I'm here if you want to talk to anyone. I dnt know i could help or not but yes i will listen to you with no questions or judgement just to help you bring it all out of you. To make you fell better as sometimes sharing just telling someone can make you feel good.