Last Night, I Said It All Out Loud For The First Time

I'm private. I dont gossip with friends about sex. I dont tell people my business.

Last night, I met a woman in my moms group to give her some clothes that no longer fit. Three hours later, I'd said it all out loud for the very first time.

When I arrived to meet her, I asked her to take a picture with me so I could post it to facebook (so my husband could see that I was in fact where I said I'd be).

My husband is tall, handsome, smart, successful. He doesnt hit me. He hates me.

We moved across the country for his work. Had kids. For 2 years, I havent left my house to go further than a grocery store. I went to a funeral on Friday and he was so angry for sticking him with the house and kids all day.

He doesnt clean. He doesnt have any interest in our home. He tells me he regrets having kids and they destroyed his life - he wants me to agree, but I refuse to ever say such a thing. Last night, he told me I was a prostitute that owes him sex. I pushed him off and he told me that I will find out tomorrow how bad my life can really be.

I can not believe that Im even typing this. These words dont even make sense.

We went to a party recently (a friend of mine - he does not have a single friend). He behaved so strangely. He whispered for me to come in the other room, and told me what a fool I was being, that everyone hated me and was actually making fun of me. The next morning I asked why he said that and he said, "I knew you were going to start running your mouth and I'd have to end up fighting someone."

He has recently become very successful in his business. I can buy whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. But he has become so possessive of me. He treats me poorly (even admits to it), and then says that sex is owed to him for providing this life.

We sleep in separate rooms. I take ambien every night, but usually get about 4 hours of sleep. I told him the other night that he is breaking my heart and he yelled that he is the one with the broken heart, then ignored me for days for having insulted him.

In a few days, it will be Christmas and I will entertain his family in my home for a week. I will buy the food, prepare the meals, buy and wrap gifts and listen to my husband tell me how much he does for everyone.

It is 7am, and Im tempted to leave before he wakes and go to a hotel. He warned me that today will be ugly. Im so upset and scared right now.
bellybelle bellybelle
4 Responses Dec 23, 2012

male, 39 , i think your husband just having a "power rush" over his new success in business and wants an alternative way of life after years with the same person. i know i been thru this. my advice, have a nice slow talk with him and try to listen what he wants from you to change.. i think he wants you to change..maybe to suit his new status and "preferences"

A follow up.

I got the kids up and made some breakfast. Normally, he does the breakfast while I surf the web and drink coffee. This is my 30 minutes of free time each morning. This is our routine. Today, he came downstairs and sat in my spot on the couch and surfed the web. I asked what was going on, and he said, "Im going to show you what its like to be me. You need to realize all I do for you."

We argued. I asked him to go to a hotel. He refused. I said I would take our kids and go. He said I should go but there was no way I was taking our kids (it just seemed so desperate of him because he doesnt like to be stuck with them - it was just a way of keeping the control).

He said that I put on an act for everyone and only he knows how I really am. He was not saying I was a prostitute yesterday, but saying that I think I am a prostitute. This is his famous monologue:

"You never own up to anything. Nothing is ever your fault, right? All you do is look for faults in me, but you should look at yourself."

I have suggested counseling in the past, but he just tells me that he doesnt need another person to tell him he is right.

It was all very *** for tat. He told me that he is the best dad he knows, challenging me to find anyone that does more for their kids. Its a common theme. Hes a great person, but I just dont see it because I am so horrible. I finally asked him who did see how great he was; does he have a single friend?

He cried and said he sees himself for who he really is, and that it must be nice to be able to look in the mirror and see myself as perfect.

And on and on and on...

Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head.

The funny thing is, I was once this really independent person. Even at the beginning of our marriage, I did what I wanted and tolerated very little.

I dont think he moved us out here by design. But I DO think that all the pieces fell in to place so that he now has total control over me.

You give me a lot of strength! I really appreciate your support.

In my opinion, someone that truly loves you would never, ever, EVER treat you like this. I would run very far away. Even reading this upsets me. I'm independent too. My husband moved me to another country after we got pregnant. Because I felt vulnerable, I let him treat me less than he should and he was not even that bad. The resentment I hold for him and his inability to make small changes has ended our marriage. Since I've asserted my independence, my husband is scared I'll leave, so he is trying harder. But mine has never, ever treated me as less than an equal. I agree about the narcisstic/passive-aggressive behavior. I've met guys like that. They are always surprised that I don't find their behavior cute or try to gain their approval. They respect me for calling them on their bull$hit. I don't think you leaving would make him treat you better. He might fake it, but ultimately, I believe he would go back to the control and the guilt. In fact, your description of him scares me. I'm not happy with my husband, but I won't treat him badly. You shouldn't treat your enemies how you are being treated. It's just low. It's not how a man should treat his wife.

Also, if you think there is any chance that he would empty out that joint account to make sure you can't easily leave, I wouldn't tell him you are thinking about it. If he did though, hopefully your family or a friend would wire you some money and rent you a car. Then during the divorce, your husband would look really bad. Whether he looks bad or not, you'll likely get half and alimony. I know you'd rather have a loving husband, so would I, but we have to do what is best for ourselves. People really do not change. Mine can't and he's trying his butt off.

I haven't read the story, but my vindictive father actually took my sister's two girls from her. It started out that he was helping while she was deployed, but then he wouldn't give them back. She got one back after a couple years, but he kept her youngest. Her kid calls their grandparents mom & dad. I don't know why my sister didn't just take them back. Maybe my dad had a good lawyer. Because of this, my father will NEVER meet my son. He loves court and I'm afraid he'd lie and try to take mine. Be careful if your mother is as bad as numb says. With $30,000, you could find an apt, a daycare, and a good job.

1 More Response

If this was me, I'd take that $30,000 and my kids, rent a car, and drive all 2,000 miles back to my family. I would not stay another minute with that man. I wouldn't even tell him any of it. I'd just leave. He sounds very scary. Good luck whatever you choose to do.

:) I deleted my other reply (with talk of money) because I felt like it was an ugly thing for me to write. Like, I was happily planning to be one of those divorcees that wipes out their spouse. :(

Thanks for replying to me. Does it really sound that bad? I read it and have this vision of the man in Sleeping with the Enemy, but thats not who he is. Do you know what I mean? Yes, he has done these things, but he isnt really a monster?

I understand. I'm not money hungry either, but in a situation where the spouse isn't fair, it's good to know that the judicial system can be. I see the guy from that movie too, but only you know him. I told you how I feel about him and any good things you say about him will not change mt negative opinion.


This is not going to get better by the sounds of it. Tell him that you both need relationship counselling or things cannot work out. Leave it in a note. Pack up enough stuff for a few weeks and leave in whichever way you can.

As this man is emotionally abusing you it is best to get out whatever your obstacles are. Of course, he is aware if these obstacles. Can you stay with family for a short while and do they know what's going on? Book flights etc and bring essentials? You could leave and stay in a hotel straight away or just confront him on his behavior and have a mind to call the police if he gets threatening. He obviously needs help but you do need to leave that environment. I hope my opinion does not seem too harsh.

And obviously, say that you want to leave with the kids. Just tell him. Hopefully you can then get an idea on how to survive the next few days. It is Christmas but there is never a good time, and will you be able to cope with acting normal? It just doesn't sound it.

It is so kind of you to offer suggestions. Thank you. You were not too harsh. If anything, I am surprising myself by how horrible he sounds. I can not believe I told someone all of this last night. I dont even know why. It was amazing and we both swore to keep our stories secret!

And now I'm just seeing this pathetic, broken man that no one likes. It makes me feel pity for him. I think that is why I never speak about it - I want him to be liked by people (and not just to make me look good. I genuinely want him to have friends and to be happy.)