I Guess I'll Know When It's Time..if It's Time.Not sure what I want. I know what I don't want.. I know I don't want a husband like him. But, doesn't it make me a coward for backing out of the life long commitment of marriage? We have two children, married almost 7 years and I've caught glimpses of happiness..but it's mostly been hardship. From poverty, to abusive behaviors, no responsibility to save money and make a better life for himself and our family.
I just began working again after a few years of being home with the children. My first instinct is to hold on to whatever I am blessed with and not let him near it. I've never been with a person who was so destructive.. I'm just tired. I feel guilty for wanting out. Feeling like I'm all he has, sometimes. I imagine his hurt when I tell him that I want a divorce and pursue it. I imagine that he would drink more, that he wouldn't let me breath. Dating..hah, that would be a joke. Not to mention custody. He's already hinted that he would have the kids. Which, I can't see how he would have a leg to stand on in that regard. You should see this guy on paper! I don't think the guy has had a solid year in while where he hasn't had some sort of run in with the law..
I shouldn't be downing him like that. I'm hurt. This isn't at all what I hoped for, planned for nor the way I was raised to be. Life has sucked for me since we got engaged. It was dumb for me to marry. But I was blind, thought I was doing the right thing. I try to imagine us happy. But most days, I feel there is no hope. We're too different. A large part of who I am relies on faith, now that's near non-existant. He proclaimed to be on a walk of faith, but with no fruit.
I know that I have to hold on longer...for one, I have no choice until I can stand on my own two feet. Then what... a hell of a custody battle?! he would never let me go civilly. Treat others like you want to be treated? If the tables were turned, I would say go..and make it at smooth as possible. Accept that it isn't working, never has and do the best we can to raise our children and move on with our life. But, I obviously live in a fantasy land...