I Think I Want a Divorce

This Marriage Isn'T Fair To My Husband, We Should Get Divorced

By: irisawakened

Written on January 26th, 2013

I am feeling a little lost in my own emotional turmoil right now. I have been with my husband for 8 years, we have two wondrous children together. But the last two years, we have grown apart. I have only had sex with him a handful of times in the past year, all were less than hot. We used to have such a hot sex life, but now, I see him more as a family member than a husband/lover. He is still smoking hot, too, and so am I. He always is up for sex, but he knows I have basically told him I am done with it.

I am trying to convince him that we should get a divorce, because what kind of marriage is it when I am sleeping in the spare room and not being intimate with him? Sure, we are raising our children together, but even that is strained right now. I just want him to see how unfair this situation is to him, and I want him to accept that we must move on. I don't want to walk out on him and our children, I want to plan this out carefully over the next 6 months, transitioning mindfully for the children.

I have been having these talks with him for a month, never getting anywhere. I sent him a couple of emails this week, scheduling a major talk for Sunday night, so that he may be prepared to hear it and accept it, finally.

I still get scared that I am wrong, that I will change my mind when all is said and done. Because he is a wonderful guy, he is my best friend. I love talking with him and such. I just don't feel like being with him anymore. I have to keep reminding myself of the reasons I am doing this, so I don't back out and undo any progress thus far.

I don't know what I will do when things finally change, when I am out on my own. That part scares me too.

By: irisawakened

Age: 26-30 , Female

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8 responses

irisawakened

What I cannot understand is people's stubbornness in life. Most people who work hard and stay together for years and years, grow apart. Most people stop having sex, stop being loving toward each other and stay together in a friendship sort of marriage because "that is just what you do". I have respect for people who are able to keep to their vows and sleep in the bed they made, but I am not that sort. I just keep seeing my in-laws and the near hatred they have for each other. I don't want that to be me. Life is too short.
I don't want to stop having a fun and fulfilling life because I am married to my best friend. News flash: we can still be best friends who raise children but have other loving relationships. It's not fair of me to trap him in this relationship that is no longer fulfilling, just as it isn't fair to me to stay in a relationship that no longer makes me happy, just to make others happy or comfortable.
Unfortunately, I had stars in my eyes at the age of 20 with this man, we married a year later. No one prepared me for the loss of passion that would occur, as I thought this only happened when you got physically much older. I just don't think I can live my life knowing I am holding this much from either of us, and giving my children a less loving environment.
Is there anyone out there that has been in a similar situation?

Jan 26
3 likes
- AmberC11
  It's much the same for my husband and I. We were married when I was 19. The difference is, it's only taken two years for our passion to dwindle. We haven't been together that long. We have one son, a 10 month old. I don't think we are at a stage of understanding or depth to look at our situation and our marriage as you have. You have a clear picture of what you feel and what you would like to achieve (even if that achievement is a divorce). My husband and I are still trying to figure out why we feel so unhappy and how to fix it without resorting to divorce, but part of me just wants to be free. Free of the stress and free of the constant statements like "We just need to try harder" Haven't we been trying hard enough? What is trying harder going to do but continue to make us aware of how unfulfilled we are? I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with most of the things you said and can relate them to my own situation - such as "I don't want to stop having a fun and fulfilling life because I am married to my best friend" I wish you all the luck in the world.
  
  Jan 28
  1 like
- irisawakened
  Aw, thanks Amber! I always hated the "marriage is tough" model. I feel like marriage should be two people helping each other through life, not too people constantly working on being happy with each other. I think my expectations at 20 were flawed. I had no idea passion would fade while I was young. I thought that only happened when you were too old to...ahem...you know? I was completely unprepared for this.
  The biggest pain I feel is loss. I am mourning that couple we used to be, that crazy love we used to share. We still care for each other, but not in the same way. The weird thing is that I don't even fight with him, I just have grown apart from him. I think in your marriage, perhaps the next step would be to gain perspective about your relationship and what you each want. I hate being cliche, but maybe therapy? I just forced my husband to make an appointment with a therapist yesterday, and I also got booked for this week. I just want to make sure I cover all of my bases before I make any huge steps.
  Let me know if you need to talk :)
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- AmberC11
  I suggested therapy yesterday and he suggested going out once a week first. To try and reconnect. Maybe we just don't spend enough time together. So we're going out on Thursday. I told him yesterday he never flirts with me or jokes. And amazingly he showed up on my break at work and joked about asking 12 different girls if they would be his Valentine just in case I said no. I joked back that I win by default and no girls are going to be his Valentine. So he snuck into my car while I was working and left a poem he wrote, flowers, and a dancing hippo asking me to be his Valentine. I got home and there was flower petals and candles.
  It's amazing what one day can do to months and months of sadness. :) Maybe we do have a shot after all.
  
  Jan 29
  1 like
- irisawakened
  Aw, that's great! See, its not too late after all. Good luck :)
  
  Jan 30
  1 like
1 More Reply
cos12sine

Are u backing out because your sex lives has dwindled? Hmmm... You just said that you love him, you like talking to him, he is your best friend and all. Isn't this what marriage is all about? A life long contract between two individuals who have and share a common epicentre that has sex as only a part? My dear,be careful. If he is all things to you except in the case of hot sex, then you have a jewel in your hands, don't throw it away. If in the past two years sex life has grown limp, it can be resuscitated again. Don't break your marraige for the wrong reasons dear. Look well, the reasons are doubtful.

Jan 26
1 like
Flear

what does hubby want ?
do you know why you have drifted apart ?
i'd suggest a couples counselor, but that's only good if if you think things could work out.
if you have to keep reminding yourself why, might be time to consider why your doing that

Jan 26
1 like
strangeartifact

Is this relationship fair to you?

Jan 26
1 like

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