So This Post Is About Sex....or Lack Thereof

I'm writing this story because my wife and I have really grown separate from each other. We've known each other 14 years and have been married for 10 of them. We've had the big talks  and opened up big issues - well, issues we've always had.

To describe them all here would take awhile and although they are important, I dont want to get sidetracked on the real reason Im writing. One of the issues is sex - she really wants it and I am not that motivated. Truth is - she doesnt turn me on. I've tried telling her how to do things and how to please me but she won't listen or take suggestions. I know I satisfy her through a variety of ways and she always climaxes at least 2 times. As of late - I dont. I try with her and try and I just dont. Its not good. Its terrible. She rails into me about how I dont want to etc and I just acknowledge I've heard her. I dont know what to say or if I should say anything directly to her about it. We've been in a sexless marriage for a few years...several actually. What I need advice on - what do I tell her if anything? I feel discretion is the better part of valor and dont want to hurt her feelings. Among all the other issues - Im tired of the bad sex! I want better - don't I deserve it? Or is that too selfish. Please tell me what has happened to you and how you dealt with it. :(

bigmantx bigmantx
8 Responses Sep 20, 2008

In response to this, let me just say I am in the same boat just reversed, if you want to stay married to her I suggest you do talk to her, trust me sit her down and say ...honey , this is why we don't have sex,...... she will hear you ...... it might hurt, but we get over the hurt... but what your doing right now is making you both do without and you are going with out and so is she, and you are angry due to the fact you don't find her attractive anymore or she doesn't do what you need her to do in order for you to have sex... Communication is the answer... Now with that being said,, if nothing changes... you have your answer.. she just don't care... If my husband would tell me what he wanted or how 'i could help us, I would be right there... but he won't ... he just gives me another I had his testostorone checked.. its high... so his answer don't work...we women get tired of feeling like a slave, and not getting anything for it .. marriage isn't based on sex, but it sure does help ... We need to all remember.. MEN think below the belt.... WOMEN think with their heads... you need attraction, we need stimulation..... gotta work on it .... if she won't .. then there is your answer.... good luck ... I'm in the same boat...

Wow your story is like the flip side of mine. Maybe that is how my husband feels. Did you tell her how you feel? I wonder ? Hmm, does he find me sexy any more? Good question to ask I

She wants to but you don't. A rare situation. I think you need to tell her exactly step by step how to treat you and your best friend. Be proactive and be encouraging like Ohh you do that well dont make it a negative

wow, really? Sex is your biggest issue? That is something you can work though by communicating honestly and respectfully to her about. Have you ever asked he what you might have done to cause the problem? Maybe you do something that makes it not good for her? Talk about it. Please!? Divorce over bad sex! marriage is about learning to communicate and work together. It takes years sometimes to get where you want to be but you have to try. If both parties are willing. Now, if they are not , . . . here is a major issue that causes thoughts of divorce.

Before you go the route of divorce, hurting so many people if you have children and a family, please get relationship coaching/counseling. Go to a qualified sex therapist. Go to a relationship counselor. You have made it this far, there is hope, but she does have to meet you part way. Remember, women tend to get sexually imprinted by early sexual experiences and it becomes hard for them to adapt to other men. That doesn't mean she can't be helped. The advantage of bringing a neutral 3rd party to the situation is that you can both be heard. Often, both parts of a couple have trouble hearing what their partner is really saying. That makes for misery.

I agree with dgo: If you & she have both made soft sensual suggestions on how to turn each other on and neither was willing to try the relationship is dead

There is a point where you just have to really ask (and admit) that perhaps this relationship is not right for either of you. Obviously the changes you are asking her to make aren't worth it for her and the ones she's asking you to make (accept her as she is) aren't worth it to you. Things like this come up when people aren't really attrcted to each other and/or has never been attracted to one another; simple changes become milestones. I am speaking from a lot of soul searching and experience in my own sexless marriage. My husband has asked me to change some things as well but I refuse to b/c I feel like these things only changed when I stopped feeling even a basic wanting from him and blame from him for a problem that was mutually created. So personally, I think I'm done with trying to get a square peg in a round hole. On top of that, we both deserve to go out and find what we really want( with a much wiser outlook on relationships!). Unfortunately, b/c my husband is very passive, I know that I will have to be the one to initiate it. So I am working on my personal finances now to be able to do that. So what's your FIRST answer to the question....Do I want to stay married to this person?

Nothing similar has ever happened to me because I am so young. But I think it would be better to talk things through than to live the rest of your life without sex and living with the "discretion is the better part of valour" mentality. You deserve something more. You should be polite of course but also be open to her about how you feel. You have to work it out with her or something has to happen.