Do I Tell Her?

From a religious perspective, I know I should do all I can to save the marriage. – The spirit is willing.


But, I really don’t want to be married to her – The flesh is weak.

Everything I know and believe says I should stick it out. Fulfill my vows. Do what is right. If I had the smallest bit of hope for long-term happiness, I would (or at least I am deluding myself that I would).

But, if I stay in the marriage, I know I will be miserable. I know that happiness is a choice, and that I can chose to be happy, even in a miserable marriage. I know that she will fight hard to save the marriage, even though she is unhappy (but that is her lot in life – to be an unhappy person).

I do know there is one thing I could tell her that would cause her to divorce me. Do I tell her so I can be free? Do I do the divorce the hard way so she can believe we had a marriage until the end? Or, do I do the honorable thing and stay with the marriage?

Feb 8: Additional info

Some things have been rough in the marriage, but, for the most part , the day to day things, life is pretty calm. There are some long-term frustration issues, and about a year ago I first mentioned the "D" word to her. The biggest issues for me are: Lack of sex, and the inability to be open with her. She is too judgmental, so I've stopped letting her know what I think.

We have been to a few marriage therapy sessions with 2 different therapists. I'm pushing her to go again. That's where I am inclined to say something needs to change. What's next after divorce? I've though a lot about that. One of the reasons I found EP. I do not have delusions that life will be just peachy. I had thoughts of waiting until my youngest is out of the home (few more years), but recent conflicts makes me just want to call it off now. I know marriage is hard work. But, it takes two to tango. It is one thing to compromise on dreams. It is another thing to compromise on core values.

It is also not just about do what makes me happy. That is too self centered. Am I being unreasonable in my desires? Will it necessarily be any better with someone else? Maybe better in one area, worse in another. It is not like she is an alcoholic. We just have some fundamental incompatibilities.

Bonds Bonds
46-50, M
4 Responses Feb 6, 2010

Bonds, let me ask...does this seem familiar. She doesnt want to have sex with you, she rejects your advances regularly. She says your not _____ (romanitc, woeing, patient, loving, etc.) enough. She askes you to "love" her and show her affection without being sexual. You have done your absolute best to accomdate the requests, but after 3 weeks to 2 months maybe even a year she still will not have sex. So, now that your sexual impulse is peaking, you find your eyes wondering, you are doing your absolute best not look, but you feel as if you cant help it. Then, she notices you looking or you come to her and tell her of your struggle and how the lack of sex is complicating it...but instead of sympathizing or empathizing she tells you what a pig, masagenist (sp?), etc. you are. and that sex is not everything? She may even throw God/religion in your face? she makes you feel like you have unrealistic expectations for sex and that You are not a good person/christian/catholic/etc. for not being able to control yourself? if this sounds like your are in a emotionally abusive relationship. and you need to start documenting things now.

This is my situation! My husband and I have not been intimate in over 7 months. We have struggled since we got married over 18 years ago, splitting once after 7 years and almost again 5 years ago. Unfortunately (and fortunately) we had a baby during each get back together honeymoon phase, so now I have these beautiful (young) children whom I live for. I have mental issues due to being sexually abused as a child. I take meds and have been in counseling for years. I am not perfect, but I have come a long way. My husband tells me that I am the problem - that my issues keep me from being loving and kind and keep me fat (I am 5'1" and 155 lbs - not obese, mind you) and he isn't attracted to me. I tried to tell him that it is really the affection I am starving for, and he never kisses or cuddles - forget the sex! He is a therapist as well, so he has written volumes on how I am borderline personality disordered and every time we get into a fight, I find a new page of things he has written down (presumably to show a lawyer one day ?). I have gone to counseling myself, I have been with all seems to boil down to me needing to change. I am emotionally exhausted and nothing is ever good enough. I love my children - shouldn't I love me too? I am scared to leave and scared to stay. I don't want my children to become pawns, and I fear that their dad would use them to make people turn against me (and turn them against me). I am successful and can afford to keep the house, etc and he is insecure in that area.

as a child of a father who decided to walk away from careful. he thought his kids would be ok with it and come round and everything would be just peachy and like it was before...but it wasnt. it cant be. your children will probably be angry with you. it will make your relationship with them much more complicated. some of my siblings even stopped talking to my father. and those of us who do, it's very superficial. every situation is different and i'm not psychic so i dont know how it would play out with your kids, but i'm just giving you a heads up that it's an extremely serious aspect to consider. and kids tend to side with their mother. also something i've learnt from experience. so be careful! but good luck with your decision. i hope whatever it is it will be for the best and what is meant to be.

Obviously there is a reason you feel this way?<br />
What is it? you really need to talk to her.. I sometimes think to myself "I want a divorce" but it is usually only when I'm mad at my husband, when I seriously sit down and think about my life without him, I'd be lost,, You married for better or worse, maybe this is just the worse, and the better will be soon? I dont know your personal situation but am here if you need to talk

ok so you get a divorce, what's next? how does it play in your mind? Saying that you 'think' you want a divorce and typing it into a website and actually going through with it are completely different things. <br />
Do you know what you want after you have gone through such a turbulent time or are you just running away from the hard work that is marriage?