Should I Stay Or Should I Go...

We've been together 4.5 yrs. We've lived together for almost 4 years. We got engaged last August (06), set a date in Jan (07) and supposed to be married January 08.

I feel trapped. I find myself trying to rationalize things. I have a recurring dream where I chase down the minister after the wedding and ask him not to file the papers. But sometimes I envisage a perfect day and happy life.

We don't have much in common, but seem to get along 80% of the time. We differ on how we want to live. I sometimes find him to be 'hard work'. We have a very mundane pattern.

He is kind and caring. My parents and family like him.

It's a destination wedding and many people have purchased non-refundable air and cruise fares.

I'm split on what to do.

Toasty Toasty
36-40, F
4 Responses Jul 9, 2007

You need to cancel your wedding now. You need to let your fiancee know that you aren't ready to marry him yet & that you need time. This will not go down well. But, it needs to be done as soon as possible. Marriage is a big deal. You know this. You owe it to yourself & your fiancee & any potential kids you may have to put the breaks on now while you can so that you can figure yourself out. You will need to surround yourself with supportive people who care about you & don't make you feel bad. You may need to seek out a counsellor or you can try write down everything about this situation(without limits) & review it to understand what's going on in your head. Guests will get over the non-refundable tickets (the ones worth caring about will anyway). And, they may still go on their mini-holidays anyway. Don't drag out this period of sorting yourself out indefinitely. For your sake & his. You need to let him know where he stands at all times & he is going to be in pain. You need to keep this in mind or you run the risk of losing him for good. He will wait for you as long as he can stand it but he is only human too. You may not end up together. But, you might.

If I were you I couldn't talk to my fiance about it..."Yeah mmmm I'm not sure if I love you" It won't go down well he's not going to "understand." That said are you simply having cold feet? I think anyone you get on with 80% of the time is a pretty good bet. But I can't say I dont feel the same way. I'm probably in one of the best relationships of my life in terms of how I imagine out future together going as long as I realise that I'm not completely and utterly in love with her. But then really I'm comparing her to my first love and all any of us know about love is based on that first person we ever truely fall in love with. Well thats my thoughts anyway.

Perhaps it would help for you to sit down and write a list of all the things that you are unhappy with (and anticipate being unhappy with), and then think about which of those things are changeable and which of those things aren't?

Get help - fast! You really need to be sure about this before you do it, regardless of how many plane tickets etc. Talk with your mom, your dad, friends, pastor, who ever - just talk with people about it. But most of all, talk with your fiance about it - if you love him you should want to talk with him about it.