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My Name Is Aaron, And I Believe In A Fated Destiny.

This is my story. I am a 29 year old man.
I grew up with loving family and friends. However, I've been alone a great majority of my life. When I was younger I developed an attraction to girls later, I'd say around 15. Lol, I can still remember talking to girls on the phone when I was younger and thinking their boring, and all I wanted to do it play with my Ninja Turtles. When eventually I did stop playing with toys, I had become so socially inept and basically awkward that I was lucky I had my first kiss on a game of spin the bottle or else I probably would've gone through high school without it. Trying to fit in I would act out in "clownish" ways. Just being a typical dumbass. Got into smoking and drinking, I thought girls would like me if I did. WRONG!!! Picked up some nasty habits that have plagued me. I am a very friendly and caring person. (Most losers are.) I work my way so fast into the "Friend-Zone" because of my immature nature. My friends who are females would tell me, that "It's alright, to be alone. There is someone for everyone." and oh I love this gem "When you stop looking, then true love will find you."  Well, it didn't. I lied to people told them I lost my virginity at 16, when that is a lie. I lost it at 19, when I really did fall in love. Not a day goes by when I don't think about Sheri. I loved her so much, but I was so god damn stupid. I still remember our first time. I wasn't her first, and she told me after, honestly she was just horny. Before she had told me that I told her I loved her. She stared at me with a "deer in the headlights" look. I asked her to be my girlfriend. The three months we went out was my longest relationship, and honestly the happiest I have ever been in my life. I live in the East side of town, and come from modest means. Sheri is from an upscale part of Vancouver, with a taste of the finer things. I didn't care, she was the love of my life and I would do ANYTHING to keep her satisfied.  After I graduated from college, I started to sell crack cocaine, and heroin. I needed to be the big shot, the real  man who can provide anything for her and keep all her friends just green with envy. I became to enamored in my sinful business. For the first time, I had everything. My ego had gotten the best of me. Sheri wanted to see me, she was furious. She claimed that I was just using her for sex. I said one of the stupidest things I have ever said in my life, and to this day regret it. I would sell my soul to tell myself to just shut up. I said, "If you don't like it, I can always just buy another one of you" She was shocked and heartbroken.  She left in tears, then moments after I had realized just what I had done. I couldn't stop crying. She wanted nothing to do with me after. I wasn't the sweet, sincere, caring and compassionate man she fell in love with. Even to this day, I have her on my facebook, but I can tell the replies to my messages are simply a compliance to her conscience. Even 10 years later there is a torch that burns in my soul for her, it fades but will never die out. After that, I bounced from one nighters to years of abstinence. 
Untill, I met Sheena, she was so beautiful and sweet. She fell in love with me quickly. I did not share her level of feelings yet. I had to break it off. I regret  that as well. She got married to a great guy. Doesn't reply to my messages, and why should she. Who am I? Drinking and driving led to me loosing my licence and totaling my car, and nearly killing an innocent father on his way home. A new low has been achieved.   After that, I left my home to grow marijuana with my friend. I was arrested and thrown in jail. My creeping depression had gone full blown now. I tried to kill myself my taking a handful of Oxycottons and a bottle of draino. I still remember that day. Living alone, on the other side of the country from my family and friends. An utter disgrace to my family and all they had struggled to provide for me. I didn't do it. I couldn't stop crying, the thought of my mother crying at my funeral and faith. Blind faith the belief that hey I am here for a reason. I didn't die all those times before for something. Why? 
My insecurity is at an all time high. I believed that I am undesirable and unfit for human contact. I isolated myself for the 2 years that I had to remain in Ontario before I could go back to BC. I still carry this void. This gaping hole in my heart that needs to be filled with someone or some kind of intimacy or love. I bounced back and forth from straight and bisexual. Now living back home with my parents, with no money, no assets, a 29 year old man with nothing but mistakes to show for his life. I am now living the life of self improvement and trying to just accept myself for who I am. I am alone everyday, and still suffering from chronic depression, but with time, and hard work, LIFE WILL GET BETTER!!! It  has to.
Thank you for reading my experience.....   
FatedDestiny FatedDestiny 26-30 2 Responses Apr 13, 2012

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atleast you had a girlfriend. I haven't even kissed a girl. I seriously doubt that will ever happen. So stop your bitching! I wish I was you!

Hi Aaron, I'm going to give you a bit of feedback. Feedback is simply information. <br />
<br />
You are obviously carrying a torch for a few girl you spent 90 days?? with in your youth. REALITY: You matured much later than they did. You made an ******* fool of yourself. Everyone has done that at some point. Move on.<br />
<br />
Another reality: Drugs are just as awful as you learned they are. Yet, you kept experimenting with other drugs. Lesson learned, now that you're about to be 30?<br />
<br />
Quit playing woe-is-me-I'm-a-victim. <br />
You are a survivor.<br />
<br />
You should not seek a gf/bf until you have something to offer. <br />
<br />
The good news is that you'll probably live at least 50 more years. More good news is that your family allows you to live with them to help you get back on your feet. MANY wouldn't. Even more good news is that it sounds like you're ready to be an adult now. <br />
<br />
So you have all that going for you. And you are not paralyzed in bed (MANY are) so you have nothing to keep you from walking straight towards your destiny.<br />
<br />
Have you considered being a mentor to teen boys? You could do a world of good by being a role model. Teach them about making RIGHT decisions for the sake of their future. Who better to teach that lesson? <br />
<br />
Arrive early to work, do not lie, be 100% respectful, be kind, look people in the eye, develop a reputation for integrity, don't curse, and get involved in your community. <br />
<br />
I don't recommend religion to ex-druggies. They just switch their addictions and go nuts.<br />
<br />
Become the son your parents deserve. Clean, paint, offer your help, etc. Be the brother, uncle, friend, etc you've always wanted to be. Regardless of how your family is, you are living with them. Be a strong link in your family chain. <br />
<br />
Write a letter to the crash-victim man and his family (hopefully you already have apologized) Do something in his honor that you can feel good about. Let them know that you're turning your life around.<br />
<br />
I have 2 male cousins (brothers!) that spent time in prison for drugs. Both were over 30 when they got out. Married now, cute kids. <br />
<br />
It doesn't matter where you've been. It matters where you're going. Use what you've learned. <br />
<br />
I speak as someone with a crappy past. Sex abuse, drug abuse, lived with SEVEN men, didn't finish college until 35. I made a change.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
Happily married teacher<br />
:)