I really believe that I am cursed. That I will be alone. I will grow old and bitter. I don't want to feel like there is nobody out there. But I can't deny the feeling.
quietandcalm quietandcalm
36-40, M
4 Responses Sep 29, 2012

I completely understand how you feel. It's so difficult when you find yourself with nobody. I've been in exactly that state of mind in the past and visit it now and again when I've had a rough go of it. Thing is, you have to make a conscious decision; do you need to change something. When you find yourself in an undesirable situation, it is, ultimately up to you to change the situation and make yourself happy; nobody can or will do it for you. So, consider this: If you are being true to yourself and honest in your interactions with others, then you are being genuine and if others don't appreciate who you are, then perhaps they are not worth being with and the change you need to make is changing who you hang around with. The other option is to change yourself. Are their aspects of your personality that are abrasive or off-putting? How important are those features of your personality to you? It's difficult to be introspective with clarity, especially when you're thinking about your flaws. You might have a tendency to amplify them unfairly or underplay them to spare your ego. There is also the problem of confirmation bias. Confirmation bias is the tendency to only see the things that support what we want to believe and ignore anything that tells us otherwise. Confirmation bias is a form of delusional thinking and everyone does it as a way of protecting their psyche. You definitely need to think about yourself objectively and ponder what it might be about you that may push others away. Then you need to consider if that feature of your personality is important to you; important enough to forsake relationships to maintain. It may be easier for you to change and be happy than to change the people you hang out around. Or vice versa. But that's a question you need to consider for yourself.

I also believe that I am cursed. More accurately, I believe that I posses a combination of skills, physical attributes, personality features and behaviors that make me completely unloveable. I embrace these features since they have brought me tremendous success in my career. Still, I have no hope of finding love or intimacy in a relationship because of the way I choose to be. It's my decision and I don't endorse others to do the same. But part of my decision was to fortify myself to a life devoid of close friends and lovers, and I must constantly remind myself of the trade-offs. Is it the right decision? I don't know, but it works for me.

For now, don't lose heart. Take some time to realistically evaluate yourself. If you need an expert (therapist) to help, do it. It is easy to be blinded by your own confirmation bias and having an impartial person assist is good. Then after you've found the root of your troubles in relationships, you can decide what needs changing.

Just know, that you are not alone. This sea is full of solitary ships in the night.

Wow, this really hit home...I hope you and yours are doing well, sometimes it is one day at a time...may all your dreams come true...

I feel the same way,an it makes me very sad,I cry often because I feel invisible...

I have felt this more times than I can count! I would see friend after friend getting married, and I would think "what's wrong with me?". But then I married my high school sweetheart who I had not seen in over 20 years. It was all so romantic, until the day I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I married him to be married, despite my protests to the contrary. I was afraid to be alone, even though being alone is where I find myself most comfortable. Don't make my mistake: I wanted to feel wanted, but what I really needed was to accept myself. I hope you find happiness; try looking inside first. Be the best "you" you can be. I bet the rest will fall into place. :)