I Too Have Lost Hope...

It is a very sad time in my life, because I have lost so much of my hope and dreams that I used to think about when I was younger.  My mom and dad got divorced when I was in 8Th grade, I am 29 now. But even before they were divorced, we never had the "family" life that I always wanted. We never did anything as a family, me and my brother were on our own a lot, and we did not ever have a relationship at all either, because hating each other. Just now in the last year or two, me and him have finally started hanging together, we both have children now, so THAT part is awesome. Also, my dad was never really around when I was younger, he worked a lot, then stayed late at the bars. I just remember him and my mom fighting all the time, or my mom waking us up in the middle of the night to go find dad at the bar.  So for as long as I remember I just wanted a "boyfriend" a guy who would love JUST ME, and be in love and all that. I still have a diary from when I was in 8Th grade through probably sophomore year of high school, and it is so embarrassing because the ONLY thing I ever wrote about was wanting a boyfriend so bad, and me liking this guy, or this guy or this guy, and if I thought I even had a chance with any of them.  I never got my first kiss until freshman year. I started to blossom and because much less shy around the summer of my sophomore year.  Finally my senior year of high school I was in a serious relationship with a guy who was 4 years older then me. I lost my virginity to him, and planned on moving in with him right after I graduated high school (which I did) and getting married. Well, I moved in like planned, and got pregnant the June after i graduated high school.  I chose to stay in the small high school town and go to the local technical college there. Went to school and worked part time while being pregnant. I didn't feel like I was being loved or treated like I thought I should. HE was very controlling, and I didn't have many friends left, and the ones I did were out living their exciting lives, and I think I felt like I was missing out. It was an immature decision I know, but I decided that I knew I didn't want to be married to him, so despite that we had a son who was just a little over a year, and we were going to get married in October of 2000, I broke up with him in June of 2000. I then went on a little journey of life, right after I broke up with him I dated a guy for about 8months, not knowing he was a rebound, but soon realized, I was not wanting to be in a relationship. I wanted to be single and have fun. So that's what I did from the age of 21 to about 23, I was happy being without a man, and loving every minute of it. But that didn't last too long. There were many guys in between there, but like I said, I was care free so none of them were actual RELATIONSHIPS, more like friends with benefits. My choosing.

**side note** In know this is very long, but I feel like I need to write out this entire path of how things happened...for my own reasons, and to get the whole of the story

So during this "wild" phase, there was one guy who I really had a connection with, but the situation was NOT how it should be.  Basically when I VERY first broke up with 'relationship number one' guy, and I went into that other relationship, well at this time, I was 20, I was going to a gym here in town and there was this GORGEOUS man who worked out there, who I drooled over all the time. Well then, fast forward to after I broke up with the rebound guy, and I am 21 now and in the bars. Well, I see this GORGEOUS man there, and he actually spoke to me first.  He would come up behind me, gently place his hands on my hip as he squeezed behind me (it was always full in that bar) and say "excuse me beautiful". The first time it happened I about DIED. I could NOT believe that this God of a man, who I had been eye stalking, was talking to ME!!!  So that happened a couple times,then one night I was at a different local club with some friends and he was there, and I had enough liquid courage that I went up and spoke to him.  Well, needless to say, he took me home that night, and I was literally on cloud 9. I mean, I could have ended my life there and died a very happy woman. But I was so young and naive at that time.  So anyway, come to find out, he wasn't exactly single, he had a live in girlfriend and one daughter, who was younger then a year old I think at the time. Like I said I was very naive at the time, and also I have always had a very open mind, and am some what gullible, so yeah, I am retarded basically.  lol...Anyway, he semi-convinced me that they really weren't in an active relationship, just simply didn't have anywhere to go, so they were co existing, and blah blah blah. Well, that worked for a little while, but after a while, I cut off the physical part of the relationship, as I was still ready to be single, and have fun.  But he always was there, and I could ALWAYS talk to him. He always still said he loved me, and I felt taken care of by him. Well, when I was 23 and had changed my mind about wanting to be single. I knew i wanted a man, and a family and wanted to be settled down. That's who I am and still what I want, and after I had my fill of the "party life" I was very sure that that is what I wanted. I ended up running into a guy who I went to elementary school with.  When we met up, and he was trying to "hook up" with me, I let him know that It was done with all that, and I was ready to be in a relationship. Well, I spent the next 5 years with him losing part of my self, and desperately trying to convince him that I wanted a family and to settle down. Not to mention we had 3 babies in that time period.  The first and second children are only 15months apart, and the 2nd and 3rd are only 10months apart. So I was pregnant for about 3 years. He was a VERY controlling, abusive boyfriend, and to even BEGIN to talk about those 5 years would take another 30 pages or more. But I went through more in that 5 years then I ever in my life could have dreamed of. Through out this entire time, I was very secluded and couldn't really talk to many people outside my family, and DEFINITELY couldn't even DREAM of talking to any other male. So therefore, at the beginning of that relationship, I had to cut communication off completely with the ONE GUY who really did care about me.  Mr. Gorgeous, but already taken.  Throughout the entire 5 years, I did love my current boyfriend,a and I was VERY loyal to him, and if he would have been  a normal boyfriend and not abusive, I am sure i would still be with him. I wasn't being fake to him in any way, but at the same time, since I never was treated like a girlfriend at all, or how a woman should be treated, I ALWAYS thought about Mr. Gorgeous, and what he would say if he saw how i was living, and what I was excepting, and etc. I was ashamed, and I knew he would be shocked. Because he knew me before the depression and all that.

Well, in August of 2008 I finally had the courage and strength to leave my abusive relationship, and me and my kids moved in with a childhood friend of mine. She is more like a sister, we knew each other since the age of 1, and our parents were friends, so we grew up together and were together A LOT. We also had similar childhoods.  Anyway, I moved in with her, and to my complete SHOCK, Mr. Gorgeous lives in the building RIGHT in front of ours. So after not seeing or talking to him in 5 years....here he was!!!  I couldn't believe it.  Well, we of course ran into each other, and it was like no time had ever passed. I still feel very connected to him, and he immediately told me he still loves me and cares about me and all that. However, he is STILL with the same woman. They aren't married yet, even though they now have been together for like 10 years. I asked him why he hasn't married her, and he says without hesitation, "she isn't the one". I was the only other girl he cheated on her with, and has loved since. He said he now has a life decision as to what to do.  I very much feel like he could be MY match, I know for sure we would be the most awesome couple in the world, we care about each other so much. But of course, my SMART side, and realistic side, knows this is not how it should be. If we did end up being together, could I ever really trust him to not cheat on me? 

I feel the men in this world are NOT the same as they used to be. I feel my expectations as a woman are sadly not even close to reality. I want a man who will be totally faithful to me and only me, I feel like 99% of the men in this world are going to be unfaithful. I want a man's man, who is tough and stands his ground and will be the head of the family, but at the same time be sensitive enough to care about me, and treat me like a woman should be treated. Whatever I expect for myself, is of course what I am willing to give to my partner. But even though I know that I am not even CLOSE to high maintenance and require only the basic necessities of a real relationship, I don't feel it exists anymore, and am dying inside. I don't WANT to be alone, this is so far from what I wanted as a child, and to actually accept and realize that this is my destiny is too much to bear....

So sorry this is an eternity long....I would love to hear anyone's comments or questions. I have never been able to share all aspects and details of these things, so here is a great opportunity, and I am hoping it will help heal me in a way. I feel like a scatterbrained lunatic...lol  : )