I Might Be, Idk

It's funny, I would've never thought so before. I try to be possitive, as much as I can be that is, and I don't ever want to hurt anybody else. Then one day (it was New Years, I remember), I was in Vegas with a friend, and I meet this girl. Very cute, sure... but she was one of those people that was trying to tell ME everything about myself. Basically, she concluded that I was a Masochist.

...b*tch.

But now I'm actually looking back, and I'm wondering if she's right? I love martial arts, and although I don't like hurting others, I'll put myself through the worst conditions ever. My job is getting beaten up and fighting to save myself on a day to day basis. My work outs are all based on a maximizing of endurance, strength and cardio, and I can't think of any kind of training that hurts more. When I compete, I can't fight my hardest at once, I gotta take at least the first hit, and feel like I can take more. I need to feel like the guy put his two sense in before I can really start fighting him.
I dated this one girl who cheated on me at least with 10 different guys and lied to me about it for about 5 months before I finally decided to end it. And then, I told her to sleep on the couch until she'd move out, but since that was taking too long and I felt bad I let her sleep in the bed again... so I couldn't sleep. I wanted to scream every night, but I'd never yell at her, I just kept everything inside.
If anyone ever asks me if anything is wrong, I'll automatically lie and say no, everything is alright. Not only that, I've developed my sense of lying so that I actually do look alright. I've been feeling all kinds of depression/bp/anxiety symptoms, but all the members of my family (and that's a big *** family) always tell me how great and easy going I look. I just smile and nod.
I'm a gentleman, so I'll always let people in front of me and what not. Even when I've made pre-determined calculations in my head that tell me that if I'm the last person to go (insert situation here), that I'll either be left behind or there wont be enough for me or i'll be the odd one out.... but I always insist on letting everyone go before me, nevertheless.
I don't mind scrathes and such. That doesn't really count, this is more of a defense thing actually. But when animals come and are a bit aggressive, like cats and dogs... rather than trying to keep them from biting or scratching, i usually encourage them, and then shove my hand farther down than they would like. That actually deters them hurting me more, plus my arm or hand gets too big for their grip and they can't handle it all at once... leaves scratches, but they don't even hurt.
I wont cut myself, not like we see on tv and such. But there are points on my body that have particular nerves or sensations that when I scratch, bend, even stab a bit, feels really good to me. I don't think i'm alone there.
This is a big one: I let people trample all over me when it comes to verbal confrontation. I've had good friends step up for me numerous times and start defending me, because they know I wont say anything. I'll just look at them and take it all. I don't know why, I can easily find malicious people. It's not that I can't come up with a come back, and I'm really not intimidated... no offense to the large egos out there, but I don't know many people who can stand up to me in a fight. And I say that very humbly. But for some reason I'll just freeze when it comes to verbal confrontation... it's like I don't get it, and I see it happening in front of me in slow motion, and all I do is absorb. Sometimes I look around to see on other people's faces if it's really happening. It is. lol.
Sometimes I'll say terrible things to myself. These days I try not to because I've noticed what kind of impact that can really do. But if I'm not good enough at something, I'm enraged with myself. I'll never show anger outwards, but inside I'll be fuming. I hold myself responsible for all my faults, and sometimes other's faults as well.

I think the biggest trend here is I'm very introverted. I can easily tell when someone has something on their minds and I'll often try to help them out with their problems. But I go to great lengths to appear as tho there is never anything wrong with me. But of course there's something wrong with me, I'm god damn human. Sometimes I do feel like everyone is quite stupid, wont lie. I've got plenty of ideas to voice, and many opportunities when I should have said something that i didn't. Too many. But I can't, I won't. I'm gonna keep it bottled up inside....

So I'm wondering, am I suffering from this? Is there something preventing me? Or am I doing this to myself? Like I said, I take full responsibility for things, and it's starting to seem like maybe I just don't want help. Maybe I just like feeling like this. Does that make me a Masochist?
WonderlustKing WonderlustKing
22-25, M
5 Responses Jul 19, 2010

Wonderlustking--martial arts does in a sense teach emotional containment and instantaneous physical reaction. Perhaps the way you receive verbal abuse is a method you use to "wind your spring" for a physical strike. That could be valuable in a fight but emotionally it's unhealthy. Just for a lark consider an emotional martial art. Check out what Landmark Education can do for you. It's worth every penny., just " Google" it. What have you got to lose?

Wonderlustking--martial arts does in a sense teach emotional containment and instantaneous physical reaction. Perhaps the way you receive verbal abuse is a method you use to "wind your spring" for a physical strike. That could be valuable in a fight but emotionally it's unhealthy. Just for a lark consider an emotional martial art. Check out what Landmark Education can do for you. It's worth every penny., just " Google" it. What have you got to lose?

Wonder Woman has no mask!

That's a nice way of putting it. I can understand how anger can hurt yourself deeply, as well as all the ones around you. One of the patterns I noticed in life is that sometimes you just have to look at it differently. Maybe I'm just mad at the things I've done, or what I'm not able to accomplish. But I can try to look at it differently and start accepting what I can accomplish, and what I already have. <br />
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I'm going to try and give my inner self a big hug =) lol. What did you do when you felt so angry? Hope it helped!

The other side meaning the part of life that doesn't have pain, and then wait and see if I miss it too much and go back to it?<br />
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Or the other side when I give into what I think is suffering and turn it into a way, or even a pleasure of life?