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I Cry Alot When Nobodys Around

A few years ago my doctor informed me I had cancer but that it wasn't severe and it was treatable but I didnt hear anything after she said cancer.  I didnt tell anyone, I guess because I'm a mother and a wife and I'm suposed to worry about them not the other way around.  I had been doing everything right.  Because of my family history I was going in for check-ups every 6 months to be safe but on some level I knew something wasn't right.  You start to get older and think your body is just slowing down but I wasn't even 30 yet.  My Dr.  and I set up another appointment do discuss what course of treatment we would try first.  I pulled myself together, went home and did my best to put on a happy face before anyone returned from school or work.  Over the next 6 months I did everything I was suposed to do and didnt say a word to my family.  Instead I set up bank accounts for my childrens college education as well as my own funeral expenses just in case.  My husband didnt notice because I handle the money in our house. Another 6 months went by and I had a procedure my doctor hoped would take care of everything and after testing it looked like it did.  She was confident but said we would test to make sure nothing came back every couple of months.  After another year of testing and getting the all clears I finally one night told my husbands brother what was going on because he caught me crying.  I finally had to tell my husband whom I knew would be uspet and blame himself which I think is part of the reason I didnt tell him to begin with.  I knew I would end up taking care of him and making him feel better and I wasn't sure I could handle that at the time.  Ive had quite a few medical issues since my small battle with cancer, the most recent being an ovary removal and even though I'm feeling better energy wise I cry when I'm all by myself. 

I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop all of the time.  Like everything inside of me is building up and i can't control it.  I do so much for everyone but I dont feel like I can talk to anyone I just want them to know how I feel without me having to tell them and i know that sounds crazy but telling someone how I feel or having someone worry about me makes me feel vulnerable.   Telling me everything is going to be ok isn't going to make me feel ok.  I don't know how to lean on anyone or ask for help, I just cry uncontrollably either in the shower or when I'm alone.

I should be happy.  I'm not sick anymore and theres no more pain. My family is great, my kids are wonderful but I just can't help it. It's almost as if because I didn't cry for so long that it all built up and is now finally coming out but I can't make it stop.

I just dont want to feel like I'm on the verge of tears every second.

 

CDM77 CDM77 31-35, F Oct 5, 2009

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