Being Unable To Explain Is What Gets Me


Not being able to explain my problems is what gets me the most. These waves that keep occuring much too often finally took a toll on me. I began to type my symptoms into the google search engine and the first thing that pops up is borderline personality disorder. I laughed because then I didn't really know what it was. "haha, I dont have other personalities!", I thought. I clicked anyway..

As I got deeper into reading on the web, my stomach instantly tied into a knot. I'm not lying when I tell you that almost every symptom matched up to how I feel when a "wave" comes to hit me.

I was with my boyfriend. He didn't know what I was reading but he knows what I have been going through. Sometimes when I feel like I need to vent I end up sending him milllions of texts trying to explain my emotions but they end up being jibberish.

So I started reading things off to him, he instantly took an interest. But later on after talking he said, "Well I feel that way when I get sad too." I started feeling so stupid. I hated that I even mentioned it to him. I just shut up about it and started watching t.v. but my mind wouldn't stop thinking of all I just read. I HAD to get back on the internet. So I took my phone out and started reading again. My eyes teared up because I was so scared and then I started to cry. My boyfriend didn't understand at all why I was crying and couldn't stop. and I dont know the reason either other than fear but it didn't feel like I was scared anymore. But the tears kept coming.

There are too many thoughts/feelings for me to describe right now in words how I feel when these waves come.

I remember about a month ago, for two weeks I didn't have a wave. Looking back at those two weeks, I want to go back so bad.

I don't think I have severe bipolar disorder if its even bipolar disorder at all. I'm not going to do anything about it either. I do see a shrink but I have never mentioned any of this to him because well, it sounds ridiculous.

I just want feedback I guess. The internet doesn't have all my answers and I know no one else will but I just feel like I need support from somewhere. Even if its people telling me I dont have bipolar disorder and that im ridiculous for even thinking that I do...that would make me feel ten times better
There is so much more I want to say right now but its really hard to type all these thoughts out clearly..i dont know.

thanks for reading this.

lehbam lehbam
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 30, 2010

i have went as long as i could remember thinking people wouldnt understand the thoughts or feelings i would have and talked to councelors and no matter what i always thought they were wrong about their diagnosis and mainly because i didnt want to beleive them or they give me meds for being depressed but i didnt feel depressed. i think you will go your whole life thinking in your mind u wish you where happy and thought possitive and "normal" but the biggest thing i urge is to tell exactly the truth because i finally did and im bipolar and take one pill a night and i couldnt express enough how good i have felt now for 8 months being that happy person that can think straight and most of all having a steady thought because it even kept me from keeping a man or being faithful and keeping a job i could keep going on and on. im just saying own up to what it could be before u really think your nuts when your really not.....hope ive helped in some way

I can totally relate to this. I've felt the waves mixed with what I hope is paranoia because the alternative is way too scary, for 17 years now. <br />
<br />
It wasn't until recently that I began to research the symptoms that I've been feeling for so long and now I'm too scared to say anything in case I'm wrong.<br />
<br />
I've gone to the doctors with some of the things that I've been going through but usually just after its at it worst as its too much. I can't do anything except concentrate on hiding how I'm really feeling from those around me. <br />
Lately though, it's getting harder and I'm just starting to think why should I hide it. Plus, my mood swings so frequently now that it's impossible to cover up any sadness as it switches so fast.<br />
So far, I don't feel the doctor has helped me at all. In some ways I feel that the problem has got worse. I've just been put back on anti-depressants and I really hope its going to help.<br />
<br />
My boyfriend recently made the same comment but I know he was only saying it to make me feel better. Unfortunately, as you know, it doesn't but I told him how it made me feel and I think he understands now. It's hard though as most of the time I can't even explain in words all the thoughts and emotions that are racing through my head and by the time a wave has passed, i feel like I'm overreacting. <br />
<br />
I don't feel in a position to give you advice on what to do because I haven't got a clue either. All I can say is that, for me, I now need to know whats wrong with me so I'm going to try and trust my doctor for a while and hope he comes up with a diagnosis. <br />
Maybe you too should go and try and get diagnosed because how can you accept something when you don't even know what it really is?