Not being able to explain my problems is what gets me the most. These waves that keep occuring much too often finally took a toll on me. I began to type my symptoms into the google search engine and the first thing that pops up is borderline personality disorder. I laughed because then I didn't really know what it was. "haha, I dont have other personalities!", I thought. I clicked anyway..
As I got deeper into reading on the web, my stomach instantly tied into a knot. I'm not lying when I tell you that almost every symptom matched up to how I feel when a "wave" comes to hit me.
I was with my boyfriend. He didn't know what I was reading but he knows what I have been going through. Sometimes when I feel like I need to vent I end up sending him milllions of texts trying to explain my emotions but they end up being jibberish.
So I started reading things off to him, he instantly took an interest. But later on after talking he said, "Well I feel that way when I get sad too." I started feeling so stupid. I hated that I even mentioned it to him. I just shut up about it and started watching t.v. but my mind wouldn't stop thinking of all I just read. I HAD to get back on the internet. So I took my phone out and started reading again. My eyes teared up because I was so scared and then I started to cry. My boyfriend didn't understand at all why I was crying and couldn't stop. and I dont know the reason either other than fear but it didn't feel like I was scared anymore. But the tears kept coming.
There are too many thoughts/feelings for me to describe right now in words how I feel when these waves come.
I remember about a month ago, for two weeks I didn't have a wave. Looking back at those two weeks, I want to go back so bad.
I don't think I have severe bipolar disorder if its even bipolar disorder at all. I'm not going to do anything about it either. I do see a shrink but I have never mentioned any of this to him because well, it sounds ridiculous.
I just want feedback I guess. The internet doesn't have all my answers and I know no one else will but I just feel like I need support from somewhere. Even if its people telling me I dont have bipolar disorder and that im ridiculous for even thinking that I do...that would make me feel ten times better
There is so much more I want to say right now but its really hard to type all these thoughts out clearly..i dont know.
thanks for reading this.