Is What I Am Experiencing Normal?

I live alone, and I'm a bit of an introvert, so sometimes its hard to judge if what I am experiencing is normal. I've never really spoken to anyone about this, but I experience what I refer to as 'seasons'. Now I know everyone has changes in mood and experiences, but I'm starting to wonder whether mine may be a bit extreme. For the last three weeks or so, I've been completely euphoric. Its almost sensual, I can feel the grass through the soles of my shoes, and the dew drops bursting when I stand on them. It feels like the clouds are wrapping around me like cotton wool, and everywhere I go, birds dance around me in the air. It feels wonderful, but I think it may be a problem, because I just want to be alone all the time, so I can enjoy the sensations. I feel like I have to control myself around people, because they will think I'm high or something. Well, I am, but I haven't taken any drugs, I just feel as high as a kite. I can't even have long conversations, because I just feel waves of this feeling overwhelming me. I've experienced this before, but now its starting to worry me. Things are starting to feel a bit too bright, and loud and shiny. And I'm starting to fantasize about doing all sorts of random strange things. Not really bad things, just like running full force into the wall, or throwing things across the room - not out of anger or anything - just to experience the sensation, hehe, but its not a huge problem because I can control the urge! To be honest, I've always had a vivid imagination, but I think what I'm experiencing are mild hallucinations. As soon as I'm alone, or not focused on work I'm doing, I sit for I don't know how long, staring at the leaves uncurling, or the blades of grass waving, or the clouds unrolling, or the bricks in the wall re-organizing themselves. I cant wait to get home, so I can sit in the yard and zone out where no-one can see me. There are specific birds and a ladybug that visit me every day. They are real! Its just I'm starting to wonder if they really understand me, like I have been thinking they do! I often go for a walk to clear my head, and get rid of some of the energy building up. I sometimes can't tell how far away things are, or if they are moving or standing still, or how fast or slow something is going. The other day I thought a bird was about to hit me, I actually yelled and ducked, but it was nowhere near me. And I think a car turning the corner is going to hit me, or that something is about to fall on me. But mostly the thoughts and sensations are fun. I can control them, I just need to keep pulling myself back to reality. But sometimes in boring meetings, I actually just let my mind wander a little bit and watch the show, but I keep having to center myself, because I wouldn't want anyone to notice. I've experienced this before, so I know it will pass. When I get like this, I do weird things. Like, I'm not a smoker, but for the last few days, I've been smoking a box a day. Its hard to tell which is the real self. I'm starting to get really tired trying to figure it out. I'm also suddenly questioning myself. I had this idea to quit my job, to go and volunteer in another country. Well, more than an idea, I'm leaving in two weeks. I've sold most of my things, and found a home for my cat etc. But now I'm second guessing myself. A few days ago I thought I was going to go and save the world. Today I'm wondering if I will have a weird season while I'm in a foreign place, and do something really odd. I'm generally responsible and a respected member of the community. Everyone thinks I'm a saint going off to save the world. But I have a secret life in my head. And I'm questioning whether this is not just another of my weird obsessions. I often do really odd things that are almost compulsive, like I spent the night sitting in a chair outside, and when it rains I sit in the cupboard. I keep these things secret, because I'm very conscious of the way people are expected to behave. And I'm very much a people pleaser and very polite etc. So, I wouldn't dream of expressing how uncomfortable or overwhelming my fluctuating experience of reality is at times. Probably just being a tad paranoid / insecure. But I do worry that one day, I wont be able to re-check into reality. Any thoughts?
Junipa Junipa
31-35, F
Nov 26, 2012