Post

I Dont Know

I've never thought of myself as being bipolar until a few days ago, i knew about the illness however i never considered myself ever having it until one day as i was reflecting back upon my own life, i realised that it might be a possability but i dont know.

The best way to see it is through my writing, one day i'll be feeling so good, so high and so confident and i'll have so many ideas flowing through my head and i'm writing it all down and the ideas feel so deep and amazing. Few days later and i wake up one day feeling tottaly **** about it , that i can't write, that i can't do anything at all and that i'm worthless, then the cycle of it all begins again.

Beyond my writing though. I go through exteremes alot, sometimes i can become very happy, very elated and i feel like everything will be okay, that everything will work itself out and that i am worth something, that i am deserving. Then its so easy, sometimes that feeling lasts for a few days or week or for just most of the day before the downfall happens.

I just plummet like a rock, everything becomes negative, i see only decay everywhere and there is no more beauty in anything at all, there is no more point in anything and there is no future and all i want to do is to escape from it, run away from everything and i just want to die and i hate myself so deeply. Sometimes i'd have a good day and then go to bed where in the night, for no reason i'd just feel like ****...

After that comes the void, the fall is over and all that is left is peices, i'm no longer myself, i'm no longer a man, i'm no longer human. All i am is a broken pile, unable to escape from a set future, i'm trapped and there is nothing within me, all the amazing thoughts i'd have are gone, i feel like they never existed, and even my own reflections upon life, etc, feel to me like someone elses thoughts. I've said stuff and then immeditaly thought, thats not me and when i've tried to look in to find out i see nothing but a locked door.

Sometimes i get a few momments of greatness though, when i refuse to  bow down anymore, when i finally see the sky break and i find myself struggling up that hill to get free from the darkness i'm trapped within. When i'm like this, i can do alot, i feel great, and i've done alot while feeling this way..

So i guess it goes like this, i'm lost in the dark and blinded by the light.

I have no idea if i have bipolar, i just know that i slip from state to state easily and i see no reason for it, sometimes there is though..I dont know how i'm supposed  to feel, if everyone feels like that.  but i dont know, thats why i dont know if i am bipolar or not because if i was bipolar i wouldn't know what "normal" was in the first place.

I had a few good days in being happy but before that happened, i felt it coming, i felt somehow that something was waiting for me next week..In the evening today all i felt was darkness, i felt it entering into me and thats why i decided to write this.

I can't really even remember the high i had before, but i know i had it. If that makes any sense.

i dont know how much more i can take really, its all so stressful and hard. Maybe i'm not bipolar but i feel that there is something up with me. Bipolar is the closest thing i have for i guess.

I should go to a psychologist or therapist but in truth, i dont want to. I dont think anyone can help me and i dont like asking for help.
kingimpulsive kingimpulsive 18-21, M 1 Response Jan 13, 2013

Your Response

Cancel

Definitely a type of being bipolar because I struggled with the exact same problems & feelings as you are having when I started college. Grew up with a crackhead mom, didn't know dad till I was 9, abuse, rape, drugs, all the bad things you hear about. But I am pretty (just stating) had great friends, & a great life in highschool so it got better. But that's when the problems with my emotions started. Anytime I got in a fight with a friend or anyone, I felt like my life just turned upside down. I would think I just wanna die & hurt myself & I'd cry so much wondering why me ? Why am I like this what did I do wrong? I try to be a good person but I just can't hold it together..this happened alot & it got out of control. I pushed my family & almost all my friends away. My close friends stuck by because the knew it wasn't easy. I went to a school therapist thinkin that would help & talkin about it did, but still didn't make me feel better really. Not even bipolar meds. Honestly, I woke up one day & realized this wasn't a life I wanted to live. I had to really learn the true meaning of learning how to accept & deal with the reality. I had always been a Christian, but I started talking to God more & asked for strength everyday to become a strong women & overcome the demons that held me down. I brought all my repressed memories of the bad I had locked away in my brain for so many years, and saw it hasn't hurt me. It has truly only made me the person I am today. Anytime I started feeling down, I told myself, hey it's okay, everything happens for a reason, life isn't really over & you can move on. Not you will "try". You will. The more you say & encourage yourself, the more you believe. I overcame my bipolar problems. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in over a year & I don't have mood swings like I used to. When someone says something hurtful, I tell myself you know what it's okay because they don't matter to me they don't hold my life in there hands I do!! Every night I pray & thank God for helping me & ask he continually does. I know you too can overcome it. You need to LOVE YOURSELF! YOU never did those awful things to yourself or whatever it is holding you back, dig deep & find out. If you ever want to talk more or need advice , you can email me. I really hope that helped :) I have faith in you.