I Dont KnowI've never thought of myself as being bipolar until a few days ago, i knew about the illness however i never considered myself ever having it until one day as i was reflecting back upon my own life, i realised that it might be a possability but i dont know.
The best way to see it is through my writing, one day i'll be feeling so good, so high and so confident and i'll have so many ideas flowing through my head and i'm writing it all down and the ideas feel so deep and amazing. Few days later and i wake up one day feeling tottaly **** about it , that i can't write, that i can't do anything at all and that i'm worthless, then the cycle of it all begins again.
Beyond my writing though. I go through exteremes alot, sometimes i can become very happy, very elated and i feel like everything will be okay, that everything will work itself out and that i am worth something, that i am deserving. Then its so easy, sometimes that feeling lasts for a few days or week or for just most of the day before the downfall happens.
I just plummet like a rock, everything becomes negative, i see only decay everywhere and there is no more beauty in anything at all, there is no more point in anything and there is no future and all i want to do is to escape from it, run away from everything and i just want to die and i hate myself so deeply. Sometimes i'd have a good day and then go to bed where in the night, for no reason i'd just feel like ****...
After that comes the void, the fall is over and all that is left is peices, i'm no longer myself, i'm no longer a man, i'm no longer human. All i am is a broken pile, unable to escape from a set future, i'm trapped and there is nothing within me, all the amazing thoughts i'd have are gone, i feel like they never existed, and even my own reflections upon life, etc, feel to me like someone elses thoughts. I've said stuff and then immeditaly thought, thats not me and when i've tried to look in to find out i see nothing but a locked door.
Sometimes i get a few momments of greatness though, when i refuse to bow down anymore, when i finally see the sky break and i find myself struggling up that hill to get free from the darkness i'm trapped within. When i'm like this, i can do alot, i feel great, and i've done alot while feeling this way..
So i guess it goes like this, i'm lost in the dark and blinded by the light.
I have no idea if i have bipolar, i just know that i slip from state to state easily and i see no reason for it, sometimes there is though..I dont know how i'm supposed to feel, if everyone feels like that. but i dont know, thats why i dont know if i am bipolar or not because if i was bipolar i wouldn't know what "normal" was in the first place.
I had a few good days in being happy but before that happened, i felt it coming, i felt somehow that something was waiting for me next week..In the evening today all i felt was darkness, i felt it entering into me and thats why i decided to write this.
I can't really even remember the high i had before, but i know i had it. If that makes any sense.
i dont know how much more i can take really, its all so stressful and hard. Maybe i'm not bipolar but i feel that there is something up with me. Bipolar is the closest thing i have for i guess.
I should go to a psychologist or therapist but in truth, i dont want to. I dont think anyone can help me and i dont like asking for help.