I Have No Resolve, No Motivation. Life Gets Duller Each Day.I'm Tyler, I'm 22, and im just starting to tire of it all... All my friend's lives are great, everything just comes easier for them, they all get hooked up with cool jobs from family/friends, they all have attractive girlfriends and generally live happy lives.
I on the other hand am relatively unattractive, have no job, and I'm just generally the guy that doesn't get remembered when everyone is reminiscing about the past, people are always telling me stories of **** they did and I was totally there every time. I've always been a little bit of a mental shut-in, if that exists, I almost feel like I've made an alternate version of myself when it comes to dealing with just about anyone, especially my family, who I don't even feel comfortable around anymore. I haven't worked in a while because I cant find a job, and lately I've just kind of given up, mainly because everyone else I know this **** just falls right in their laps, maybe I'm bitching, maybe I'm stupid, maybe I have no valid skills, maybe fate is just cruel, I don't really know or care about that much anymore. I have never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl that I liked/liked me back, I'm not really good at anything besides video games, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this. A lot of the time I'll be hanging around with my friends and it's all right, I manage to make people laugh with my strange "alter" personality, although I feel at the core it is still part of who I am, I feel like I've been twisted throughout the years. I was raised by my grandmother because my dad was a deadbeat and my mom was a heroin addict, and I feel this has affected me greatly over the course of my life. I feel like a lot of the times I had to suppress my true disposition towards things due to my grandmother always telling me what's right and wrong and if I ever tried to argue back I just got shut down hard, not because I'm wrong but because she is an opinionated feminist who is "never wrong," and no she doesn't say that but I know that's how it is.
I'm usually laid back but there's a lot of times where I'll say something and I get shut down in a really rude way by most of my friends, I don't want say they gang up on me but that's as close as I can describe it, It's hard to explain but all I know is when it happens my mood goes straight to hell, and not in a normal way I dunno I just get really sullen and just stay quiet for the rest of the time we hang out.
Anyway, pretty much every day I continue on living day to day I just feel more and more obsolete, I've told a few of my friends how I feel about life and my thoughts on suicide and they say that I would be missed, but I never really got a sense of authenticity from it, and trust me my whole life I've felt people out through the mental vibes I get off of them and I'm right 90% of the time, might sound a bit arrogant but I don't really care, like I said I don't really have any real skills so I'm guessing that's one of them.
In any case I feel like I'm either pretty bipolar or I'm nearing a psychotic breakdown. I feel this way because a lot of the times I'll think about how sad I am with my life and how women don't really like me and I'll literally just start laughing uncontrollably, I couldn't tell you why. But otherwise each subsequent day I feel my luster for life slipping away. I don't have any particular religious beliefs but I fear death because of this uncertainty. I don't think I'll ever kill myself but I'm extremely unhappy with my current life. Maybe this the wrong group to put this in but I do get the extreme highs and lows of bipolar disorder and it does run in my family. Maybe I'm just nuts.
I could keep going on but this is already getting pretty pathetic, any feedback would be appreciated I don't really care if it's negative. I'm sure a lot of you will just think I'm another whiney loser and you could very well be correct.