Either Bipolar Or Borderline

I have since a child have always struggled with a low-mood. Not quite as severe depression, but just low. I had a normal childhood for the most part, but alcoholism,depression, bipolar is in my family line.

I was once hospitalized when I was 13 for depression. Then at the age of 27 I started acting 'weird.' I wanted to drink alcohol, which I never cared for and was cautious about due to families history with the bottle. I mean I really started to drink. Not one or 2 drinks. I felt like I wanted to feel/stay drunk. THis went on for a few months.

I had this desire to sleep w/men, whom I didn't care about, and then I would get bored, and move on to another man. THis was not my REAL self. I stayed up late into the night, chatting for hrs on end, jumping from topic to topic. People would tell me I talk real fast, but that would make me mad, as if I needed to slow down. So maybe I'm just hyper, I thought.

Then 2 yrs later, it came whatever it is came back, BUT WAY WORSE!I ended with a dui, some other legal stuff this time, and I have never had any troubles with the law in my life. I had the same pattern as before, but it seemed to go up a notch.I went to the family Dr and he prescribed LExapro. NO GOOD! I was on that for 3 months, and I felt way too giddy, as if nothing would upset me. If someone told me to f*** off, I would just be like hahah. Well, I quite taking Lexapro, and then whatever it is came back AGAIN! This time about a yr later, as if it has increased in frequency. I guess now I am starting to have a problem with alcohol which is my worst fear, but I feel like I need to drink to calm me down or make me feel better, but it always backfires!

I finally went to a Psycharist, and the first 3 visits we just talked about my symtoms. I have during the last episode, felt this horrible emptiness, like there is a piercing knife hitting my soul. I feel empty, all I want to do is sleep. Everything annoys me. I quit seeing the Doc for now, but have to go back.

I have tried to limit my alcohol intake and try,try to stay postive, but I don't want to end up in jail or a mental ward.I am disguisted with myself at times. The Dr suggested I have a mood disorder.Ok? My last epsiode, I was so irritable, I got up at my desk and said I quit this job. Out of the blue. I wanted to take off and start up a new life. Luckily, I was sent home for a week. It seems my alcohol intake seems to worsen my feelings. I have been almost violent, but to my furniture,lol to calm my extreme feelings.

sierraxix sierraxix
31-35, F
Mar 9, 2009