No One Notices.

I have never been diagnosed with depression or bipolar disorder. Friends/family have tried to get me to see a counselor, but I refuse. I went to a counselor for several months when I was around 10-12. I never said anything. This is the only place where my feelings come out. I think I'm bipolar, but I can't "prove" it. Most of the time lately, I've been having good days, but today was a bad one. I missed a call from my bf and freaked out. I started crying and screaming and punching the walls. I couldn't stop. It was like a button had been pushed and there was nothing I could do to unpush it. I used to cut, but I haven't in about 3 months, since my bf and I got together. I wanted to be better for him. Somedays I'm happy, like in the extreme. I'll drive for hours an then there are days like today where I feel like I'm losing control and I don't know how to fix it. I know there is something wrong inside my head, but I don't know what.
frankiewalkingdeadgirl frankiewalkingdeadgirl
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 13, 2009

I have like the exact same views on it waiting until something happens...I don't really feel normal but whenever I get happy or just normal I wonder if I even have anything wrong with me but when I start freaking out again it hits me hard

It's hard sometimes because there is so much gray area between what is normal and what is not. It seems like a lot of people would say that I'm "normal" but I don't think that cutting and attempting suicide and feeling out of control are normal behaviors. It's been awhile since I've been depressed really bad, but sometimes I wonder if I've just lied to myself until I actually believe it. I keep waiting for something to happen that will set me off and make me lose control. I hope it doesn't...

I think if I lived alone and I wasn't so self conscious about letting my emotions out I'd be punching walls and stuff too. I'm almost 18 and apparently this is the age that it starts at a lot too. when my parents were out one day my emotions just went crazy and I banged on **** and was angry and I had cried earlier and then after I was in such a good mood and I got a bunch of my homework done. I haven't been diagnosed either but lately I've been looking into it and it seems like me. I think I have Bipolar 2 cause I get happy and depressed. I am angry a lot inside like you too but it hasn't been a huge episode. Though I think I have had mixed episodes so I dunno. But after reading your story (which I relate to a lot I guess) I think I might be bipolar but I don't really know what to do. it sucks. I'd feel weird going to my folks and saying that their own son is bipolar.

The other day my bf told me he wasnt going to be able to come down to see me and I freaked out. I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know why. I was so mad that I missed his call and his texts - if I had answered them earlier he would have been able to come. I felt to out of control. I'm very good at staying calm and keeping my mouth shut, but I can't seem to stop being angry inside. I don't want to die, I'm not suicidal, but I wanted to slit my wrists just to feel the pain. I used to cut (and I hope it stays that way - the used to part) until I met my bf but its like there is something not quite right and I feel like I'm the only one who notices...