My Eyes Exposed Me!I'm not complaining, but I'm just tired of how much complicated my life is! It is not a normal life, it is not stable, it is not easy, thousands of issues are in my mind, and I'm so lonely, I have no one to turn to!
I was thinking today about how I stopped being happy for a long time, because really nothing in my life requires me to be happy! It is not that I'm crying everyday but I'm not happy, my life is so boring and complicated, I have this killing routine, in other words my life sucks!
When the week starts I count the days until Thursday comes, not to go outside on the weekend and have fun but just to be able to stay home and be alone with myself, I no longer want to go outside, no longer want to be in any crowd and around people.
What about the hours? Yup I count that too! At the morning I look at my phone and see it is still 8 am and I'm like ugh long time left until the night comes! I love the night and it is the only time that passes very quickly, I love it because I'm all alone, I just can think quietly without having anyone interrupting me, I'm really worried about myself, I reached a level of loneliness where if I JUST want to go to the kitchen and someone is there I just wait until it is empty because I can't stand being around anyone!
It gets me scared when I think about it, I shouldn't be counting the days and the hours waiting for them to end, I should be enjoying every minute in my life!!!! I feel like my life is going to waste, my birthday is coming up in Oct., and instead of being happy about it I just think to myself that another miserable year has ended and you will never be taking it back, it makes me feel that my life is running that I'm growing older achieving nothing which is funny because I'm still very young!!!
Why do I think like old people?!
Instead of being happy about starting a brand new year I'm just afraid and I don't want to grow up because what I found out is that as much as I grow up as much as my life sucks and gets worse!
Because I wasn't always like this! There was a time specifically at high school when I was alive girl, I used to care so much about my look, really my look and my hair was a matter of life and death to me!! When my friends would want to annoy me, they would just mess my hair and this is an enough revenge lol!!But now I don't really care about how would I look, I don't find myself that interested in looking good, it doesn’t matter to me anymore!! I've been meaning to get my hair cut for A LONG TIME, and every time I get myself to choose between going to get it cut, or stay at home, I find staying at home is more comfy and the better choice if it wasn’t the best! I feel sorry for myself.
I even stopped eating!! I don't have any appetite to eat, I stay all day without eating just coffee, and when I come home I'm not even able to finish that one meal!!! Really my health is going down I feel like an old woman, and not just my health but my weight! I'm so skinny myself and I started to lose more weight, I'm pretty sure that I'll turn into a shadow in the next few months!
Another thing, the slightest issues would upset me so much and maybe even make me cry!!!! It is really weird, I'm not used to cry, and they are all silly issues but I find myself overreacting!
This started since I graduated from high school, I started to turn into that depressed person, at first I thought that I feel down just because I'm leaving that girl who I loved, yeah of course was truetrue, but I realized later that this wasn't the only reason, because as I moved on my life moved to worse!
No one knows about that,I don't like to let anyone knows about how miserable I'm inside, especially my mum, so I just laugh and joke and I hold it inside! But I feel better after writing all of this and venting, I don't even know where it was hiding, and I wasn't planning on writing! But today I was sitting alone outside in the business lounge, and that lady who I just greet every morning chatted with me for a while today, then she said: you have a big beautiful eyes, but also a very sad and withered ones, it was a weird comment, but I smiled, it is just what I do, and it got me thinking about all of this, She drew my attention, I really don’t know if I have depression, I mean if I’m suffering from something that requires me to see a therapist but I started to think about it!!!!