I feel so fvcking helpless and sad and here's why. Everything. School starts tomorrow & i'm in shock. Summer really did go by , but then again it's only a couple weeks long. For me , school causes my depression . First off i have bad anxiety attacks every day every single day i go sometimes it's so severe that i just can't control the shaking while i'm walking in the halls and i wonder how many people have seen it. Then in the morning i barely have time to eat anything so my stomach grumbles all day (lol) and i'm light headed . And lastly i barely get any sleep from the night before and i have to be up at 5 am or i'll be late i take a while to get ready. I get so irritable and i don't care about anything because if i care i overanalyze and the attacks get worse .

My parents don't help nor do they understand , my mom is constantly bashing me for my "bad attitude" when she has no idea how i'm feeling . Every day when she picks me up from school she reminds me of how i have nothing to be mad over and how i need to stop complaining and being rude and having a "nasty attitude". She also tells me to fix the look on my face , like i look mad or angry . I don't give a fvck how i look facial expression wise honestly . Every day i have to worry about what's going to happen that day . If i'm late to class on the first day how long is the teacher gonna bvtch to me about it , if i'm in the hall am I gonna get shoved or is someone going to make a snide comment , if i have a class with certain bvtches i don't like are they gonna make snide comments too and am i gonna have to put them in their place .

Every year someone bothers me every single year . My city is 97-98% white so as you can imagine i'm the only black girl in my school besides like five others . Normally i'm the only black person period in my class and it doesn't help when these racist a s s people make comments about black people and i'm sitting within ear shot . But then again , what can i do? I'm not gonna barge in the conversation and tell them don't say certain things 😐 I feel so depressed every day it's like fvck my life . No , i don't want to die i just don't want to live like this .

I want to move back to my hometown so badly plus that's where my Dads job is he drives 45 mins. Everyday from here just to get there . All my family is there and there's a large black population so i'd be comfortable it would be perfect . But there's violence , shooting , bad school system whatever . I really don't know what to do it's as if i'm stuck . I'm forced to be emotionally tortured over and over every day i go . I would homeschool but then i would be lonely but then again i'm already lonely the "friends" i have aren't real friends i can't even fvcking relate to them .

I like rap and they like their stupid country music . They like rodeos and one direction and golfing and all that shxt is wack asf to me . I just pretend to like it so they like me because if i don't they would call me "ghetto". They're always talking about what or who is "ghetto" as if they know what that is . I just feel so sad and i'm on the verge of an emotional break down . I went through 2 breakups this summer so i've been through an even bigger emotional turmoil . I don't know what to do it's just like fml . I just have to go through with it . And it's torture .

From the outside everyone thinks i have it perfect. I'm pretty , my dad makes a lot of money , i dress nice , everyone acts like a damn idiot or a fan over my expensive cars . But no , i fvcking hate my life here . And i really don't know how much more i can take before i break .
ThePrettyOnee ThePrettyOnee
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

Make good grades and hold on until college. Trust me, it gets way better. College was my saving grace.