I'm Lost =[

So I'm 21 and I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years almost 5 years. I have had two kids with him. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter and we only were dating for not even a year. He proposed to me when I was 4 months pregnant and I accepted. Anyway, I met my boyfriends best friend when my daughter was 1 month old. And the mintue I met him I felt an amazing attraction it over powered me. He came over every weekend, he became my kids godfather.. After my daughters 1 st birthday we all moved in together and then I started to see what he was really like. He is so sweet, friendly, and understands me, he listens and helps me. He loves my body ( after having two kids I don't look like I did when I was 18) and I love that. Any way, after we all moved in together, my boyfriend and I relationship got worse then it ever had. We don't have to same thought when it comes to our kids, we don't have sex anymore we argue so badly that I end up in tears and wanting to leave but I can't because I of my kids. We found out I was pregnant again and with a boy and we were so excited, my boyfriend wanted his best friend in there for the birth and I was okay with that. My boyfriend wasn't loving at all towards me I felt like he was so happy to have boy but not in love with me yeah know. But his friend was crying and checking on me all the time he even knew what I loved ( I collect piggy banks that are pigs) and he got a piggy bank that was for my son =] he had to remind the man I have been with for 3 years what I loved to collect. Anyway, after my son was born his friend was over all the time helping me with him and looking out for me to see if I was okay. My boyfriend doesn't help with the kids and that alone makes me upset. Within the last year, our relationship has fallen, he doesn't help me at all, when we get into arguments he calls me stupid, and your a *****... Blah blah. He doesn't respect me at all. He complains about everything. We don't have good times at all and when we are around his family we fake being happy =[ we never cuddle we never have sex we never go on dates, we never do anything together. ( i didnt mention this but he also cheated on me after my daughters 1st birthday ) I feel like gum on the bottom of his shoe =[ I do so much for him, I cook, clean, do everything for the kids, I pack him lunches, I stay up late so if he is hungry I can make him something, I let him play video games all the time when he knows I hate when he plays all the time . Anyway, a couple weeks ago my boyfriend told me and his best friend that he wanted to have a *********. So we drank a little enough to break the ice and we did. It's sad to say but I have been wanting to have sex with his friend for a long time I just didnt know how his friend would feel because all three of us are so close. So during the whole thing my boyfriend sad NO KISSING.. I say okay. We were doing different positions and we all were enjoying it a lot. My boyfriend told his friend to lay on the ground and for me to get on top and so we did. And in that moment I have never felt more connected more amazed in my entire life. He said to me, "kiss me" and I did. My boyfriend didnt see and doesn't know. The moment we kissed (it was a 2 second kiss) the moment we locked lips I felt a connection that I could not explain. I have never felt like that. Ever since that night, I have not stopped thinking about his friend and I can't stop thinking about that connection I felt. So last night I asked his friend to come over so I could talk to him and ask him how he felt. So we talked for 4 hours about how we both felt, he told me he felt a very strong connection too, and he told me he thought I was so beautiful and he felt in another world when he kissed me. He said he has thought I was attractive for a long time and he loves that we have so much in common. He told me in two years he has had sex with two different girls and they were just sex compared to me. He said if he wasn't best friends with my boyfriend he would want to have me for himself. He said he was sure if it was love, or a sexual connection. He just seriously felt something. I told him I have never felt this connection with anyone it was seriously like when they say you kiss you fireworks go off.., the connection what fireworks, and shooting stars and my whole body was numb.
We ended up kissing that night and I was in that world again. I couldn't stop. I didn't feel guilty I don't feel regret and we both are hoping the ********* thing happens again. I just know what to do, I can see my future with his friend, I can see me having more kids with him I can see me getting married and I can see me growing old with him. But most of all I see me happy. I don't want to cry anymore and I don't want to feel like a prisoner anymore. I just don't know what to do about it because its his best friend and his families are close. But I want to stay with my boyfriend because he is my children's father. I feel like a ***** I feel bad because I don't want to break his great either =[
Llang8 Llang8
22-25, F
2 Responses Nov 28, 2012

Leave the loser and be with the friend. Life's too short. That's how my gf and I got together and we couldn't be happier.

Get married to your "boyfriend's" best friend. The boyfriend doesn't seem to be a good father. I have experience with bad fathers. Being with the best friend of your guy is good for you and the kids. It's the right choice.