I Think I'm Falling In Love With My Boyfriends Bestfriend
No matter how much I go through this in my head, the result never changes. I cheated. I'm cheating. I'll probably continue to cheat. It's not like I support it. It's sick, it's wrong and it's unfair to somebody as sweet and loving as my boyfriend. But I've become kind of obsessed and I don't know how to get out of this
Background: I met (for privacy's sake his name has been changed) Dev in my first year of college. Back then, he didn't mean a thing to me. A friend. Someone I could say hi and bye to and not remember until I run into him again. Then a person I was close to at one point, let's call her Karma, became close to him at the end of second year, and I was introduced formally to him, along with his best friend Ahaan. I fell for Ahaan at the very first glimpse. He was good looking, witty and quirky. He was also in the middle of a very messy break up, and having been there, I understood that I was out of the picture immediately. Plus, he was gorgeous! What the hell would he want to do with a girl like me? So he was forgotten, and I went away for the summer. When I returned for the start of third year, however, I met them again ... lonely and a little attention seeking. We drank, and in my drunken stupor, I kissed Dev. What was more astonishing was that he kissed me back. And it felt ... good. A week later, he asked me out and of course I said yes. He was sweet, funny, and unbelievably charming. I was convinced nothing could go wrong. Sadly, I didn't take into account that somewhere inside me lay a sleeping monster that Ahaan would awaken. A little less than two months into the relationship, Ahaan asked me for help. Karma, once a good friend, had transformed into some kind of predator demon and wanted to satisfy her needs by using him, and he confessed he'd rather shove glass into his eyes than lay a finger on her, so if it was ok with me...could flirting with him drive this girl away? As I was no longer friends with her, I figured why not? So I flirted over the phone in which she was part of the group chat. It just never occurred to me that this verbal en par would cause something to happen. I knew it was wrong and I tried to stop it, but my heart just wouldn't listen to me. Then one day, I kissed him. It just happened. It wasn't planned and it sure as hell wasn't a good idea ... but it felt amazing. It was the kind of kiss people read about in stories. Sparks flew everywhere and I wanted to grab onto him and never let go. Still, let go we did and we both regretted it immediately. 'This can never happen again', we both agreed and we could not have been more wrong. While my heart grew steadily fonder for Dev, my brain and hormones craved Ahaan like a fish without water. He became the focal point of everything I thought of. Then, October 10th 2012, the inevitable happened. A battle I tried fighting for 5 months. I finally gave in. An unmitigated disaster that shouldn't have happened. We then kept away from each other for two months and I gave Dev as much attention as I could. But fact of the matter was that he didn't satisfy me. At all. Sex with him was, for lack of a better way of putting it, without passion. But try I did, and I told myself to fight. Then, January 5th 2013, I gave up fighting completely. A night of unbelievable, long, passionate sex with Ahaan and I knew who my body had chosen.
Which now brings me to my problem (yes, I did have a point aside from a long, rambling post) : I maintain that I love Dev. Very much in fact, but it's become apparent to me that I have to end it with him, but I can't risk telling him why because (and this is the shocker) Ahaan and Dev have been best friends for 7 years. I am Dev's first serious relationship and no matter how hard I try, he won't let me go. When I bring myself to do it, he somehow emotionally recaptures me and I don't even realize until a week later. He makes me fall for him all over again, but the minute things get a little heated up I lose interest altogether. As for Ahaan, there are no feelings involved from his perspective. For him, it's a mad chemical reaction we have for each other. For me, I have all these feelings bottled up inside but all of it loosely translates to lust. I do not love him, I do not want to be with him. We do not want a relationship with each other. We are only there to physically satisfy each other and go our separate ways. It's animal. But, the way society has made it is that we need to find all these endearing qualities in one man/woman, and spend our entire lives searching for them in the hopes of finding that someone, uncaring of how many people we trample along the way. But these two have become the centre of my little universe, and I no longer know what to do.
And so I turn to you, reader, because maybe there is someone out there who won't give me the mainstream "you have to choose, and risk losing them both" but will advise me, guide me ... tell me 'woman, you f*cked up but sh*t like this happens.' So rather than saying "what am I supposed to do?", I present you with the question "what the hell is the right answer to this complicated turmoil?" Thank you for patiently reading my little what-seems-to-be-adolescent rant.
Stay beautiful :]
Background: I met (for privacy's sake his name has been changed) Dev in my first year of college. Back then, he didn't mean a thing to me. A friend. Someone I could say hi and bye to and not remember until I run into him again. Then a person I was close to at one point, let's call her Karma, became close to him at the end of second year, and I was introduced formally to him, along with his best friend Ahaan. I fell for Ahaan at the very first glimpse. He was good looking, witty and quirky. He was also in the middle of a very messy break up, and having been there, I understood that I was out of the picture immediately. Plus, he was gorgeous! What the hell would he want to do with a girl like me? So he was forgotten, and I went away for the summer. When I returned for the start of third year, however, I met them again ... lonely and a little attention seeking. We drank, and in my drunken stupor, I kissed Dev. What was more astonishing was that he kissed me back. And it felt ... good. A week later, he asked me out and of course I said yes. He was sweet, funny, and unbelievably charming. I was convinced nothing could go wrong. Sadly, I didn't take into account that somewhere inside me lay a sleeping monster that Ahaan would awaken. A little less than two months into the relationship, Ahaan asked me for help. Karma, once a good friend, had transformed into some kind of predator demon and wanted to satisfy her needs by using him, and he confessed he'd rather shove glass into his eyes than lay a finger on her, so if it was ok with me...could flirting with him drive this girl away? As I was no longer friends with her, I figured why not? So I flirted over the phone in which she was part of the group chat. It just never occurred to me that this verbal en par would cause something to happen. I knew it was wrong and I tried to stop it, but my heart just wouldn't listen to me. Then one day, I kissed him. It just happened. It wasn't planned and it sure as hell wasn't a good idea ... but it felt amazing. It was the kind of kiss people read about in stories. Sparks flew everywhere and I wanted to grab onto him and never let go. Still, let go we did and we both regretted it immediately. 'This can never happen again', we both agreed and we could not have been more wrong. While my heart grew steadily fonder for Dev, my brain and hormones craved Ahaan like a fish without water. He became the focal point of everything I thought of. Then, October 10th 2012, the inevitable happened. A battle I tried fighting for 5 months. I finally gave in. An unmitigated disaster that shouldn't have happened. We then kept away from each other for two months and I gave Dev as much attention as I could. But fact of the matter was that he didn't satisfy me. At all. Sex with him was, for lack of a better way of putting it, without passion. But try I did, and I told myself to fight. Then, January 5th 2013, I gave up fighting completely. A night of unbelievable, long, passionate sex with Ahaan and I knew who my body had chosen.
Which now brings me to my problem (yes, I did have a point aside from a long, rambling post) : I maintain that I love Dev. Very much in fact, but it's become apparent to me that I have to end it with him, but I can't risk telling him why because (and this is the shocker) Ahaan and Dev have been best friends for 7 years. I am Dev's first serious relationship and no matter how hard I try, he won't let me go. When I bring myself to do it, he somehow emotionally recaptures me and I don't even realize until a week later. He makes me fall for him all over again, but the minute things get a little heated up I lose interest altogether. As for Ahaan, there are no feelings involved from his perspective. For him, it's a mad chemical reaction we have for each other. For me, I have all these feelings bottled up inside but all of it loosely translates to lust. I do not love him, I do not want to be with him. We do not want a relationship with each other. We are only there to physically satisfy each other and go our separate ways. It's animal. But, the way society has made it is that we need to find all these endearing qualities in one man/woman, and spend our entire lives searching for them in the hopes of finding that someone, uncaring of how many people we trample along the way. But these two have become the centre of my little universe, and I no longer know what to do.
And so I turn to you, reader, because maybe there is someone out there who won't give me the mainstream "you have to choose, and risk losing them both" but will advise me, guide me ... tell me 'woman, you f*cked up but sh*t like this happens.' So rather than saying "what am I supposed to do?", I present you with the question "what the hell is the right answer to this complicated turmoil?" Thank you for patiently reading my little what-seems-to-be-adolescent rant.
Stay beautiful :]
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