This One Is Difficult To Write.

I'm quite certain that I am falling out of love.

In saying this, I don't mean all of a sudden. Much like falling -into- love, it isn't akin to tripping and falling in a mud puddle. Its more like taking a series of stop-motion photos, you are aware of each painstaking second on the way down. You see the ground getting closer by tiny increments, but are powerless to catch yourself.

On a more personal note, I have never done this before. This is my first serious relationship ever and I find myself (after crying for two hours straight the night he and I discussed things and decided to separate) in an odd, numbed mourning state. I am sad that after four and a half years that things went in this direction. I had fully intended to spend the rest of my life with him.

It has been two days since we spoke about it. I am still living with him because the weather here is not permitting me to leave just yet. We are snowed in, and I find it makes things difficult. Although he agreed with me when we spoke that the passion just isn't there, I think he is afraid of being alone again. He has already twice told me he doesn't want me to leave since our conversation. I think this is the part that kills me the most, because I -do- adore him. I always will. He was....-is-...(was?) my first love, and lover. I would love nothing more than to be able to jump into his arms and have it feel like it used to. It just doesn't anymore. 

He kissed me today. It was a desperate kiss, willing me to still be his. He pulled away from me, his eyes hopeful, looking into my face he knew it hadn't worked.

Four and a half years. The last of which was spent trying to make this keep working, to no avail.

It hurts.

deleted deleted
3 Responses Feb 12, 2010

Your much stronger than me. I wish I had the strength to leave. But I love him and I'm not ready to give up. I know I should but I just can't. =

That's so sad, and so familliar. I have been with my partner for 15 years, married for 6. She is the only woman I have ever loved and the only one I have made love to. It seems like such a waste to let go now!

((((Hugs)))) I hope the weather clears for you soon.