Captivation, Sadness, And Hope

I've dated before, not a true relationship, but I have a little experience. This girl and I met at the "coffee shop crawl" at the university of Iowa. She came right up to me and introduced herself. She was beautiful... long curly golden hair, pretty sky blue eyes, and a smile that could kill. We hit it off instantly, the other students around us melted into the background. We talked for hours, and when the crawl was over we talked for another three hours. I actually had the guts to ask for her phone number so we could continue talking, she gave it to me. 

I was elated. At this point I wasn't in love, but I was... captivated. This had never happened to me before. I thought I had already found an awesome girl for me and it was only the second day of orientation. I was interested...

Imagine my surprise when I added her on facebook and saw that she was in a relationship with a guy back in her hometown in Montana... I wasn't feeling so elated anymore. I thought the fact that she had a boyfriend may have come up during the 4 or so hours we talked... but oh well. She was a great girl and we shared many things in common and it wouldn't hurt to have a friend.

We continue to talk throughout orientation, we do things after school, text, comment on facebook. I thought my captivation would go down... but it didn't. Fast forward a month of decently innocent interaction, she doesn't have many friends on campus and things are rocky with her boyfriend and friend back home. I'm still captivated by her, but now the feelings are a little more developed. I trust her with my secrets and she trusts me with hers, I felt something I have never felt before... it was the desire to protect her and to care for her.

One day I let my feelings for her show. She is an art major and she was trash talking herself and her art. I wouldn't allow that, I told her that she was not only one of the beautiful girls I'd ever seen but also one of the most talented artists. She disagreed with me, but the compliment made her blush. A week later her boyfriend and her went on a break. He wasn't giving her enough attention and wasn't acting like a boyfriend. I thought I was in the clear until she told me exactly how much she cared about her ex... she "thought he was the one"... I was saddened by this, but I wasn't discouraged! I told her that people cared about her, that I cared about her.

Fast forward a few weeks, we've started flirting officially. We've gone on multiple dates and I've spent the night over at her house multiple times... nothing sexual or even semisexual. We're just... romantic friends? She blushes when I compliment her, but she still shies away from my touch. I tried the whole arm over her during a movie, it wasn't condoned or condemned. I was maybe being a little aggressive, I was just excited and happy, I was rushing things and I didn't take her feelings into account. When she told me she was confused about her situation I told her it was alright, and I apologised for being so cavalier. 

Go forward yet another few weeks. I thought we were doing great. She wasn't as uncomfortable as she was when I touch her, we hug frequently, and she even flirts back at me. But... I was on facebook and my insecurities and anxiety got the best of me... I looked at her ex's page. I saw this loooooong message from her to him dated recently. The highlights were this "I'm going mad here in Iowa" "I miss you" "We've had our ups and downs" "We need to arrange a visit" "I love you" I was crushed, all sorts of sad emotions. I told her that I needed to talk to her, we decided to get together on Halloween. I told her what I saw and why it upset me. She of course got angry at me for looking at her ex's page and for judging the message without knowing the context... her ex and her were friends for years before they dated. I felt like scum. We talked about us and our future, I asked her if she had ever had feelings for me. She said she didn't know... I was again crushed. She said that I had hope, but I had to wait for her to figure herself out. I told her that she could take a year, two, three, I didn't care. I told her that I was done being immature and I was done being impatient. I told her that I would wait for her.

Two days later I get this text "I just want you to know... I've been thinking about what you said, I do like you c: I just want you to know" Of course my reaction was positive! I later find out that she had officially broken up with her boyfriend, no more break, no more unknown. They were finished, and I was on my way in. She told me weren't anything yet, and if we were anything she wanted it to be simple. I told her that I was ok with that as long as I had a chance in the future for something more serious. We were "pre-dating"

Friday I took her out to a nice restaurant. She loved it, I loved it, and we learned even more about each other. I told her my brief relationship history she told me her ideal partner (which I may add sounded a lot like me) and she actually initiated flirting with me. I found out that she really enjoyed cuddling, hugging, and kissing. I told her those were things I was always up to do haha. We held hands and talked for hours. I was happy. 

Yesterday I went with her to see her brothers play. It was awful, but I got to spend time with her. She was... distant while she was around her family. I wasn't given much attention from her. But the instant we made it to her basement the affection started back up. The night ended with her and I cuddling while holding hands. We were watching the Dark Knight. She fell asleep on me multiple times. This is a BIG deal considering what she told me about her fear of men and sleeping around them. I have never been so happy in all my life. When she woke up at the end of the movie slid over to the other couch and we slept until morning. 

I then spent all Sunday with her doing odd jobs before work.

I look at my adventures with her over the past three months... the ups and downs. The happiness and the sadness. I truly haven't cared about anyone as much as I do for her... I don't know if I'm in love, but I'm definitely on the right track. Wish me luck with her. I know I'm moving fast, but I'm starting to slow down and get into a groove. Eventually when she's done soul searching and figures herself out maybe she'll be ready for something a little more serious... I hope she chooses me. But whatever happens, I'm looking forward to an interesting college career with this girl.

Thank you for reading, I know its long as hell... I just wanted to share my captivation, sadness, and hope.