I Think I Am In Love!? Pt.1Just two afternoons ago I was waiting anxiously for him to arrive to the studio. All of my other classmates were there and I had just quickly downed a beer for lunch before going to class so I was feeling a bit buzzed and emotionally responsive about everything.
It finally occurred to me after 25 minutes of drawing that he wasn't going to show up to class.
Never before have I actually felt this strongly about someone I barely knew much about.
He was around school that morning. We shyly said hello to each other. I gutted myself for not speaking up.
In fact if I had spoken up maybe I would know where he was and maybe I would've went with him?
Maybe this... maybe that... I thought of a thousand maybes....
Obviously thinking like this was no good for my health. No single person's uneventful absence could mean that much to anyone. Seriously, there was something wrong with me?
That's what I said to myself. That's why I left class an hour and a half early. I really had to sort out what was on my mind. All I could think of were the events leading up to that day. I felt so absorbed that I couldn't even focus. Damnit! I couldn't think a single unrelated thought without thinking of him. Maybe he didn't show up for the same reasons? Whatever it was. I knew it was about time to just go home early... do away with all this head jumbling madness and get back to some homework.
So I went home on the bus. Moments later the bus stops at the shopping centre to pick up a passenger. Low and behold it was him. The guy who has been fondly smiling at me for months. The person I for some reason passed off as just being a regular, impartial but nice dude. He was wearing his headphones so I knew his hearing wouldn't be sharp. I still uttered an excitable yet inaudible greeting.
He didn't reply but he did hold a gaze with me for a fraction of a second and smiled warmly. He stood by the back doors waiting.
I let him go.
I shuffled my bag to the side wondering if I should give him my seat? While looking at him curiously I imagined he would go back and have a seat with me for a little while.
He looked back at me.
I looked away, fearing I might have looked like an absolute creeper. Turns out his stop was next and exited the bus promptly.
I suspected that maybe I didn't try hard enough. I had an excuse! My heart was bumping so loud that I could hear it in my hears. I had no idea what kind of noises were coming out of my mouth. I could barely contain myself which was one part foolish and the other cute and vulnerable. I was pretty sure he wants see a confident woman and not a little girl struggling to tie loose ends. Next time I told myself. I'll try better.
So much for getting homework done. Most of my nights have become like this. I lay in bed thinking about his flirtatious stares and in-obvious ways of getting my attention without a conversation being had. I feel powerless and empowered. I feel like I can't pretend to hide it. I also feel like I want to take things slowly and get to know everything about him. Every time I think of him I want to fling my arms around him and kiss him or falling to the ground sweating profusely and making love. More than that I somehow want to fit every little thing from my life into his life. I want to put a coffee in his hands before he goes to get one. I wanna know if he likes sweets so I can buy him sweets. If not, then I'll buy something else ... something awful tasting if he likes awful tasting stuff. I want to take him to the city, go to a gig. Write him a mixtape. Swap some records.
Maybe I'll hold his hand and he'll decide it's okay to hold mine. This is going so far in my mind but, little by little I think it could happen. There's even less time before I set off to leave for London so I don't see why I should hold back now?
misselodie 26-30, F 0 Mar 24, 2012