I Think I'm Ugly

When I observe myself in the mirror, I'm never satisfied with the face looking back at me. Whenever I happen to glance at my reflection in windows or any reflective surface in public it reminds me of how much I hate myself. On a regular basis I'm brought to tears when I think about how disgusting I am. Every day is an uphill battle because I know that everyone I interact with sees it too. I visualize people passing me, making internal comments like, 'Her face is too round,' or 'She should lose a few pounds'. It's one of my biggest fears. I'm so ashamed of how I look, and it kills me that there's not a thing I can do about it. It seems like every time I try to make an improvement like dying my hair or toning up or putting on more makeup, each attempt lands me two steps back from where I began. Nothing works or helps. If anything, each try worsens my situation. How can I fix it?

This nagging insecurity torments me every second of every day. I always feel so less than...so worthless...because if I had any value to me at all, I wouldn't be so hideous. I blame my lack of beauty for everything else that just can't go right in my life. I don't have any friends, not ones that actually care about me at least. I'm nervous and edgy around other people because I'm live in fear that every person who lays thier eyes on me will judge and label me as 'undesirable'. My solution to this is to blend in with the crowd at all costs, and never draw attention to myself. I avoid talking to people in school and for the most part keep to myself, even during lunch.

The irony of this is that people still compliment me with kind words like, "Eva, you're so pretty!" and "You're so little, I want to be that skinny!" But, in my eyes, none of those wonderful things are there. I see the exact opposite. Immediately, I assume that these people are trying to sugar-coat everything they say because they pitty me. Others have told me before that it's obvious how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. My body language and the way I portray myself are a dead giveaway. My presence radiates low self-esteem.

Two months ago I was beautiful. I have no idea how in a sixty day period I can go from attractive to completely unattractive, but it somehow happened. I had long, beautiful ginger hair, big green eyes, fair skin, a nice, little body...how did it all melt away? I used to smile at myself in the mirror, and I was able to walk with a swagger that said 'I love myself'. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't cocky...just confident in my appearence. I never bragged. Everything I saw then are absent in my reflection now. I don't know why I can't be happy with myself...but this pain that I'm feeling makes me want to curl up into a ball in the corner of a dark room and never show my face to anybody again.

What's wrong with me? How can I learn to love myself?
evamonique1997 evamonique1997
13-15, F
May 16, 2012