Im Ugly

I try not to look at myself to often, i just know that i have self confidence and low self esteem from all the name calling and cruel things that my wife has said in the past. Only i see what I see and i know that im not handsome
steed66 steed66
46-50, M
3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

You will never find self esteem in someone else. You need to stop looking toward your wife for validation and start building your own foundation.

I spent 22 miserable years with a controlling bastard that chipped away at me for years. His remarks and actions made me feel like I was a repulsive monster. I remember having a beer with a male friend shortly after my separation. I am not sure what we were discussing but he looked me square in the eye and said "You know that you are beautiful right? I mean, you have to know that you are" Those are words that are supposed to make yoiu feel wonderful, but it felt like someone stabbed me right in the chest.

2 years later, I have heard the word attractive, beautiful, cute, pretty, etc... quite often. It no longer stings and no longer sets my guard up. The difference between then and now is I have confidence. I actually like myself and am proud of who I am.

I would have never reached this point if I stayed married. I am not telling you to leave...that is a decision you and only you can make. However, my marriage was killing my soul, my spirit and dimming hte light in my eyes...Freedom gave me back everything I lost.

Thanks for your lovely comments, i have the same guarded thought that you describe.
Confidence is seriously lacking in me.

It is easy to give advice to others in situations like yours. I received so much of it while I was married. What is not understood is when you are battered emotionally over a long period of time, it changes your ability to think clearly. I am amazed by how many times I hear from long time friends that they never knew me through those years. I became invisible because I did not think I deserved the spotlight. I was told over and over that the only reason people were friends with me was out of a courtesy to my husband (my husband telling me these things). It took a while for me to come out of my shell. As my confidence and self esteem grew, so did my circle of friends and support system. As my circle of friends and support grew, so did my confidence and self esteem. If you truly want happiness and a life worth living, you have to make serious changes...without the expectation for others around you to change. My former husband continues to try to beat me down, continues to try to punish me....the difference now is I don't let him. It is he that repulsed me now... I hope you find your way. Everyone deserves love and happiness in their lives.

Sorry you feel this way. Looks aren't everything and we are often our own worst critic. I've often thought though, how men are so lucky... most women don't need a handsome husband, they look at the heart. I've seen the worst looking men have women on their arms. It's not the same for women though. Men don't like to be with unattractive women. Also, even the most attractive woman isn't enough for some men. People can be so complicated!

And you feel this way because someone's knife edge tongue has convinced you it is so. That is part of the cycle of abuse, sweetie. She has to make sure you "know" that no one else would want you, and how lucky you are that she tolerated you for this long.
It is difficult, but you have it within you to overcome it. Do something for you, appreciate you (get a haircut, buy a new suit, etc), If that isn't in your budget, start working out, walk the dog an extra mile or two a week. It does help.

She has convinced me over the years that nobody would find me good looking or desirable. If you look at my pics a haircut is not really possible i have shaved my hair really short hahaha. If i take to long walking the dogs i get quizzed about why i was so long or she will call me yp

id love to leave england,if i won the lottery or something id be gone in a heartbeat

"She has convinced me over the years that nobody would find me good looking or desirable." Classical method of controlling insecure people... RUN!