Religion - Depression - Wanting To Die

You will have to read my first story to understand this. Look in child abuse.

I was 5 when I first tried sex with my brother. There were many MANY other sexual experiences of my childhood but this was the beginning of how Religion took my soul.

As a child we don't have the ability to put things together or keep them separate in this case.

My mother's family was a Southern Baptist Church in MD. I lived with my father as my mother was a **** and had 4 kids only I was my father's. He had proof and got custody. My abuses were different in both families but both contributed to this story.

I became a sexual kid shortly after birth. My mother had a thing for me...? I had sex with her first and then several in her family. I knew enough that sex was a secret and I couldn't tell or I would be in trouble. 

The first Non Abusive sex I had was with my brother. He and I were very close and we spent weekends with my mother's family so we went to their church. One day my brother and I were talking... About 7 and 5 yrs old... I was the older... We decided to take the trip to the front of the church and accept Jesus as it was expected... Well, as I said, we were having sex with each other as a secret and there were many more where I was the receptical of sex... I got ****** and I sucked men as well as my bro.

The day we decided to go up to the front the pastor had one of his fire and brimstone talks and the statements he made that most set in my mind were... God knows everything before it happens, while it is happening, and after it is done. God also had one sin that he would never forgive, Blasphemy. In this speach the pastor talked about a lot of things that were sin and kept talking about this Blasphemy. I came to believe that all of the things he was saying were inclusive in what Blasphemy was. One of those was homosexuality. Now I also believed since I was the receptacle I was the only homosexual. Just as he was asking for new believers to come foward his words "god knows before during and after and you can't hide your sins from god... I was dammed to hell!

The thoughts of a kid.... I am no longer religious so I don't want anyone to try to make me feel better by saying I didn't know what god meant. He doesn't exist.

Back to the story.. My brother tried to get me to go with him and I said no so we didn't go. My thoughts at that time were my family was perfect and would go to heaven and I was solely going to hell.... The fear of what Hell was was not nearly as hurtful as knowing I would be isolated and no one would be there to love me.

Many years later... Many years of depression later I should say. I was in science class and the teacher who by the way was my grandfather's next door neighbor was my teacher. Somehow I woke from my depression as I was listening to the theory of how the world came to be and evolution. I had a revolution that god and this hell separation thing could be just bullshit. If god didn't exist then hell didn't either and all I feared didn't exist either. Then the other shoe dropped or what I call OH ****! If the story isn't true what happens at death. I wondered several more years but as it turned out I don't believe but I still have the same problem. I have always wanted to die. I use to think a new life would begin and it had to be better than what I had. I was afraid of hell so that was a reason to that point not to kill myself since I hadn't figured out how to get the happy afterlife.... NOW THE OH ****.... If nothing lives past the obvious living then I will turn to dirt and not exist. Again another reason to stay here and not die. I did try sometimes to figure out how to do this dying thing.. I think we call it SUICIDE. 

My fear of ending it has always been I could screw up and end up worse than I have it now. In the religious days it was going to eternal HELL. After it was if I did it wrong I could be damaged and my quality of life could be worse....

Well, I found the conclusion..... I went to the hospital last year in MAY. I was bleeding profusely from my rectom. The ER decided quickly they needed to keep me and stop the internal bleading. I was given 2 pints of blood so I guess that is what I lost that evening. A colonoscopy  was done and the doc came and sat beside me and after a silence he said I had cancer. I was silent and in shock but ask how bad and what do we do. He said they would have to remove it tomorrow and then they would know how far it spread.. I woke after the operation and had a bag that my **** was to go into for "god only knows" how long and I was informed I was stage 4. They took 17 pounds of intestine from me and said the cancer had spread into the lymph system and blood. There were also spots in my lungs that were revealed by a cat scan.

I was in the hospital for 8 days. All this time I had ambivalent thoughts of weither I was better off letting this go and be my "suicide" or try to live and deal with a long LONG lingering death. I have a 13 yr old daughter. I made promises to her before I got sick. I am alive today trying to keep those promises. Now I have to ask ... If god exist.... U fill in the rest of the questions...

I was told before I left the hospital if have a 1 in 5 chance of living 2 years. I have now had 8 major operations in my belly and chest. All of the bones in the left side had to be broken and one partly removed to get a piece of my lung out. I have felt more pain than I ever thought existed. Still I am alive trying to exist for my daughter.

This story is partly but much about the pain I suffered because of belief and non belief and confusion. If I die I will no matter what but I am 54. If god existed I wish he would have killed me that day in church when the pastor took my soul. I would have been spared 48 years of depression and anxiety. I now choose to continue the pain out of love.
jls2nd jls2nd
51-55, M
3 Responses Dec 3, 2012

I have written many times re children and church. I strongly VERY STRONGLY believe taking a child to church is child abuse. The pain I suffered was not because I had done anything wrong and I ask no forgiveness to anything. God is a mythical creature created by man to deal with the knowledge he will die. It is a coping method... I'm not really going to .... There is eternity.... BS is mild. Now. What I cannot understand is why people can't get it through their thick skulls is a 5 year old is not capable of understanding adult consents. It does not matter if homosexuality is blasphemy or not. This creature stood up in front of a group that included children and preached about sin and acts which were sin and said the word blasphemy in the same sentence. Mush it all together and say god knows all you can't hide... U will die an eternal hell... That is just as much child abuse as any other abuse a child can suffer. Separation anxiety, I did it, Family is holy and will go to heaven. I won't. I wished I was dead. Tell me that is worst than sodomizing a 3 year old.... That too happened and my worser of the 2 if I gauged lasting pain was the preacher.

I don't believe in god and am not sorry to anyone for consentual acts. His age and mine are very close so it wasn't rape and quite satisfying to both of us. It lasted for years. I will not try to affect your belief in god out of human respect and would appreciate if you would leave my beliefs alone too.

I just was ot sure of the way you wrote your story if you beleived agian or not. I am was not trying to change your beleifs I beleive we all have our own write to choose.

I beleive in god and if this helps blasphmey is taking the lords name in vain. So having sex with your brother is forgivable. But it is your choice I enjoyed your story and I am going to read your second one also.