The Naivity of Infidelity

The time has finally come when I am able to express what is inside me and why I believe it.  I not only have always believed my entire life that infidelity in marriage is wrong, but the lesson was confirmed a thousand times over in an experience I went through.  I have written entire diaries about this experience over a few years time, but I am going to try to explain the essentials or the bottom lines here.

Before I married my husband I was a young girl of 18 in the community college in my town.  I was filled with hopes and dreams and had in my mind the idealized perfect life that I was looking forward to.  I was very happy with my boyfriend whom I believed from the day I met him to be God's will.   A road I immediately chose to go down and the road has not yet ended after 21 years of marriage.  I believe it is not even close to an end either!  I believe also that we are still together because somehow God is protecting us very closely.  I do not know if this is just one of my idealized notions that just has still stayed with me since youth, but even if it is, I still fall back on choice, and I have chosen to love this man and forsake not just all others but to forsake anything that might interfere with this vow I took, as he is more precious to me than anything life can offer me, anything that my whims, desires or ideas about what life should be like could lead me to. 

Generally most people do not think like this.  When I was a teen, my peers and even my role model adults (!) liked me MUCH better when I was experimenting with alcohol and drugs than when I wasn't!  They had no idea that all the things they thought were so cool about me, so mature (!) was that I was experimenting with stuff they would have disagreed with!  Imagine for an entire 2 years I was not only loved for the first time in my life, I was revered!  I was given more responsibility, people hung onto my every word, I was a straight A student, people thought I was great!  And when I say 'people' I mean all the RIGHT people- all the Christians, all the people in charge of 'the world', all the people who had the power to make or break my future.  None of these people realized what had caused my metamorphosis.  I find this happens ALL the time amongst Christians- they LOVE gregarious, competent, intelligent leaders.  They do not distinguish from the fruits of the spirit or the mimicking effects of marijuana.

Now I will admit right now that I am not typical!  For most people alcohol and marijuana leads to great despair and ruined lives.  For me it led to success and greater success!  It was actually getting off that road that led me to despair.  If you really think about it however, eventually a person with my moral sensibilities has to face the fact that this is the wrong road to be on no matter how beautiful it looked and how wonderful it felt. When I stopped after realizing how wrong it was I also lost all the admiration of my friends and adults and I went back to being the same old 'Duana'. 

For me, getting on the road to drugs and alcohol was wrong!  Even though while it lasted it looked like the right road, like I had made the right choices to live that lifestyle like so many 'apparently' successful people do!  Many people incorporate alcohol and some even marijuana into their lives and they don't realize that their lifestyle actually relies on these things.  Can you imagine Obama for example attending all the political meetings and parties and never taking a drink?  Of course not- it's a seamless part of his life style and millions of Americans the world over.  But for me it was wrong and I gladly gave up everything that went with it.  I am definitely the same person without drugs and alcohol, but it is more frustrating!  Without it I am exactly the same person, the same competence, the same personality, but I get treated completely differently by people and they don’t see the same things in me.  I have til this day never really figured out why.  

 

Anyway back to my story about infidelity.  When I was a good Christian non drugs and drinking teenage college student, this guy who I only knew by face because I said hello to him once, stopped his truck and asked me if I wanted a ride.  He was actually just being himself- a nice friendly student.  And I was just being myself by accepting the ride.  We chatted for the whole ride and then I asked me if he would like to go roller skating with me.  I had no idea how ridiculous I sounded to a ‘mature’ college guy.  I talked about roller skating as if it was the coolest thing a person could do (I was really still a naive high school student at heart).  So he agreed to go and I was so glad.  It really wasn’t until after the fact of knowing him that I realized, one, that he was twenty five years old, and two, that ‘wait a minute, a guy like this does not fit into to a teeny bopper roller skating rink.

Well needless to say he couldn’t make skating and his sister called me to cancel!  She also said he wanted to reschedule another night to do something else.  (She was in no way the ‘skating type either!).

So we set up to go out again.  I was already going out with the love of my life who was miles and miles and miles across the world in another country (Go Canada!).  I never saw asking this guy to go skating as a date.  In fact being totally 100% honest it never even occurred to me that he would consider it a date either!  Well we didn’t go skating, and to be honest I do not even remember til this day what we did or where we went.  I just remember what happened after.  We were at his house, and he said he wanted to lay down on the couch for a nap.  I thought that was so strange and it made me feel extremely awkward.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  So I stared at him stretched out on the couch with this really weird look on his face and it occurred me what he was expecting.  I was shocked!  I didn’t want to, but I felt obligated.  So I went over and sat beside him and started kissing him or vise versa. But the point is I didn’t want to- the whole time I was uncomfortable and I felt completely awkward.  Well out of obligation I also ‘went all the way,’ and lost my virginity to him.  Unfortunately what happened is not covered under the law.  It wasn’t rape because I didn’t ever even once say no, although the whole time I hated every second from the moment he said he was going to take a nap, to the feeling jittery and awkward about the situation, to the walk over to the couch, to the very last moment of what happened.  It was disgusting and I went home and cried my eyes out.  But I never told him or anyone else what happened.  And I continued to go out with him, and I continued to let him do whatever he wanted to me, him never ever knowing that I was faking and never wanted to do anything or to even be with him in that way!  He also introduced me to pot which made me extremely paranoid and afraid and depressed.  I would cry endlessly on it.  What changed was this:  I began to have mixed feelings, and I confused myself so much that I no longer even knew who I was.  I mean I knew that I loved my boyfriend (my now husband) in Canada but I started to think that that self I was with my boyfriend was just an illusion and that maybe this was the crowd I belonged with.  Sex is an extremely deceptive feeling- it really is like a drug when it is mixed with naivety.  I wish so much that I could tell young people that!  But most young people head down that road and never realize that the road was wrong to begin with!   I also felt guilty and didn’t think I deserved to be with my boyfriend in Canada. 

To make matters even more confusing I bragged about this guy to one of my Canadian friends.  I told them how confused I was between this guy and my Canadian boyfriend.  So some of it was out in the open but I didn’t tell them the sordid stuff!  Anyway so my boyfriend in Canada found out about the ‘other guy’ and he called me up and proposed to me!  Talk about twisted!  Instead of breaking up with me, he proposed to me.  And I was so excited I said, ‘yes yes yes!’.  Then he asked me to come out to Canada to visit him so he could propose to me properly and give me a ring!  This is exactly what I wanted! But I felt so guilty that I couldn’t breathe!  Well I put aside the guilt and focused on getting out to Montreal.  My world could not be more perfect!  I am sure you would love to hear the romantic story about him proposing to me etc but that is another different story.  The bottom line is that I said yes.  However the night before my wedding I broke down.  I felt like I was corrupting a good person and that to snag him into marriage was the wrong thing to do.  I couldn’t stop crying and I told him I had to confess something to him.  So I spilled everything to him.  He said, ‘none of it matters to me.  I still love you and I want to be married to you for the rest of my life.’  This amazed me and of course I accepted what he had to say and was glad for his forgiveness!  But what I didn’t realize was the guilt that would plague me after I married, not just for what happened, but for trapping such an amazing man into marriage!  He deserved way way better than me!  Way better than me and yet he chose me still!  I couldn’t believe it and it killed me inside.

Now turn the clock forward eight years latter to age 27 and the cycle repeats itself all over again with a different man in a slightly different way: a man I was just trying to be nice to, but a man that had feelings for me, a man who watched me sitting in his living room and thought “I’ wanted him to come over to kiss me, just like I thought that guy wanted me to come over and kiss him.  So he does and it terrifies me so much that I freeze up and can’t stop him even if I wanted to and during the time it is happening I feel mixed feelings. After it is over I leave his apartment (his wife was there in another room by the way, I was not alone with a married man- I would never do that, ever!);and I go to a phone booth that is in the corner of his apartment building, I kneel down and I cry nonstop for an hour.  Then I call my husband and confess everything and tell him it was all my fault even though that is not the way it happened.  Once again my husband forgives me.  And he loves me and will always forgive me, even though I do not and never ever will deserve it and I still til this very day feel like I have trapped a good man who deserves a lot better!  The worst part is I stayed friends with this guy and he eventually convinced me that I was in love with him rather than my husband!

Life doesn’t happen in neat ways the legal laws suggest it does.  The legal laws do not cover naivety and stupidity.

So what was behind all this?  Naivity and stupidity.  But there is also another factor:  my husband and I loved each other like crazy and were committed to each other forever!  But our marriage lacked in an area:  human feelings!  We loved each other because we were both Christians and rejected our humanity as corrupt and sinful.  We were both on a quest for holiness.  But the human feelings of wanting to be loved in the ‘worldly way’ were still strong and came up every once in awhile.  There was absolutely no doubt ever even once that my husband ever loved me and would do anything for me!  He was very encouraging and really helped me a lot with getting my papers for college typed up and giving me feedback.  You could not find a more supportive incredible husband.  But this other guy exploited the deeper feelings in me, and appeared to be even MORE supportive than my husband.  He brought out a different side to my personality than my husband did.

So the moral of this very long story:  this reinforced to me my values of fidelity in marriage, but it also made me realize that a lot of people who are involved in infidelity think they are being wise and making liberated choices when really they are having the blinders being pulled over their eyes and they have no clue how naïve they are being and how many people including themselves they are hurting.

 

QuestionMarks QuestionMarks
41-45, F
3 Responses Mar 11, 2009

well you can't really draw any proper conclusions from just what I have written here. I am not a professional writer and certainly don't have the ability to convince anyone of what actually happened. I ddin't shift the blame- I tried to tell it like it is and I am a completely honest and up front person - but complicated. I guess that is why they say a person is lucky if they have even one person who really understands them.

That was a good story...<br><br><br />
and I'm glad the 2 of you are still together.<br><br><br />
<br><br><br />
Nonetheless it's a little disturbing<br><br><br />
how you shifted most of the blame<br><br><br />
for cheating on your husband to the other guy.<br><br><br />
As if you were forced to do it.<br><br><br />
You weren't (even if you felt you were).<br><br><br />
<br><br><br />
I mean, I agree with your message that <br><br><br />
infidelity is wrong.<br><br><br />
<br><br><br />
But... the fact that you bragged about the first guy (before you got married) and <br><br><br />
stayed friends and got close with the 2nd guy...<br><br><br />
shows you didn't really feel THAT bad about it.<br><br><br />
<br><br><br />
And you're still very young.<br><br><br />
<br><br><br />
Your husband's definitely a more forgiving man<br><br><br />
than me...<br><br><br />
and indeed,<br><br><br />
you're extremely lucky to have him.

wow, now that's a great story i read in a long time. Drama, passion and of course the moral value of it in the end. I just seeing a short movie from your story and i adored every bit of it.