Internet Dating, the Answer to the Lonely Heart...or Maybe Not

I have been single for almost 5 years and I am reaching the point where I think I shall never meet the right man to share my life with. My divorce from a long loveless marriage was inevitable and difficult, but I also had a glimmer of excitement that finally I would be free to meet and date other people and somewhere in that process I was bound to meet someone perfect for me.

I was cautious and shy to begin with. Post divorce, I was void of a social life. Clubs and pubs reserved exclusively for the under 30's denied me the chance to get out and meet people of my peer group. The church offered up single men, still living with their mothers who never even dated, let alone be pushing for a relationship. I spoke to my other single friends...

'The internet' they said and more precisely internet dating. Out there and at your fingertips a whole myriad of super sassy sites with easy access. Fill in a profile, add a few reasonable pictures and list exactly what you are looking for. Not only would the dear internet pick out suitable men, it would screen them for all your preferences. Non smoker, tall, solvent, hard working, reasonably fit and active...No way were you ever going to have to suffer some boring chain smoking lay about...he wouldn't make it through the strict

You punch it all in, jazz it up with a few lines about yourself. I am happy (but not really) carefree (but not always) out going (except when I realise how lonely I am) take great care of myself (except for on another Saturday night when I have been stuffing the Haagen Das and glugging the chardonnay out of sheer and utter mind crushing boredom) I am fun ( except when I just want to bury myself under the duvet in sheer frustration) create a persona so attractive that even passing comets veer off course and steer their way to you.

But should you tell the truth??

'I am an insecure, lonely, over anxious hermit, who desperately wants to be loved. I do have a big heart (and this is true) but I am shy to meet people. I have a pretty nice exterior but want to avoid being humped and dumped!!!'

Put this in your profile and you'd be lucky to attract shrek!! you go with the flowery, sunshiney, sugar coated option in the hope that someone will notice!!! hit the button and wait for the e-mail to start rolling in...

And this is what I did... (to be continued)

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64 Responses Mar 5, 2009

I wouldn't say that Internet dating has killed love i think it is better than traditional dating there is no does he like me or not?it is easier to be open with each other however both people need to be honest with each other to have a proper relationship

I meet the love of my life on Christian Mingle dating website. Good luck to all of you who is still looking.

OMG this cracked me up so much because it is actually true.

Wow, I do think you can still find love as long as you're honest and have the stamina. I found love in the most unlikely place, a dive bar. He definitely doesn't fit the profile of someone you think about meeting in a bar. You just never know when love is going to hit you and how long it will last. I agree that the internet can be misleading, though I've tried it I believe it attracts people who are attached already and are restless and don't appreciate what they already have. It's too bad people want to view it as a way to keep yourself in the meat market. I am glad for the time being that I don't have to be on a lonely dating site. I too have a pretty exterior but see that what on the inside is what counts. I suppose I have met men and became disallusioned by what seems in the beginning to be misleading. I suppose I have been the one who's humped and dumped others. Either way it didn't last true love is so much more than sexual chemistry, its communication and having the same core beliefs. So many variables, its so wonder any of us find true bliss.

Wow,...I am exactly there. So true. People are such liars. I have met married men cheating on their wives, men who are sexual name it. I just constantly changed my profile. Ps...never say that you have children until you have gotten to know him, yes the pediaphile is also online.<br />
I know I spelled it wrong, but protect the children.

What makes me sad is that people actually believe that just because you have never had a relationship, that that makes you someone who stays with his mother or is ugly. I currently live with two other people and we split the rent of a large house between us, I have travelled twice to and lived for over a year at a time, by myself in Taiwan. I can cook my own food, iron and wash my own clothes and budget for myself so that I live comfortably. Sometimes I just feel that girls or women have become very, very cruel beings and I am not alone. <br />
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Maybe I should just seal myself off from them altogether.

I have wasted I don't know how much time and money on internet dating that I have given it up.

My parents met online and im alive so I can't complain

I met the love of my life through OK-Cupid. Dating is a incredibly narrow field, aimed almost exclusively at heterosexuals under 25. As a homosexual female, it's rough to approach a woman, when you're unsure of her sexuality, and of course, "Hey so um...are you a lesbian?" doesn't make for the smoothest of pick up lines. As a divorcee and a mother, you also have hurdles to jump through. Wonderful things can happen through the internet. It all depends on how you use it!

I tried internet dating and had a couple of bad experiences. I say stay away from those dating sites and try to find people to get to know - who will get to know (and possibly) love you. If you have hobbies like hiking or whatever find a Meetup to go with a group of people. There's lots going on out there. BTW I like the Shrek comment.

Ok - so I had a moment of weakness and signed up for a site. The problem is my town is small and no venue to meet decent people. Call me a hypocrite but I see it as a necessary evil.

Me parents met online and i turned out fine

I tried being honest... did not work on dating sites. Only when I made it less... me... it attracted some freeks, and all they wanted was webcam and saying dirty stuff. Seriously, are there no guys which honor truth out there? Web sucks, but at least you can find guys who might be attrackted to you truly considering the 00.01% chanse of finding someone close by being honest.

Great post! You should be honest, but you don't have to share everything. When you start talking to them, then you start opening up about you, ease into it, don't just put it all out there, let them want to talk more and get to know you more and figure you out. (:

Well true story. I never actually sought people to date per say. When I was 15 saw this couple together in the ministry and I had this impression to ask God to pick my wife for me. So I did and then after I asked God I was walking outside and some friends were talking and they were like "my name" why don't we ever see you dating any girls? So I told them I never had anyone ask and I guess I wasn't worried about it cause in the right time God would bring us together. So I left it at that. <br />
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I did feel lonely some times later and I admit I was attracted a few times but I guess I never felt led to ask anyone out. Later I was in the Army and I think I had told God that I didn't want to get married till I got out of the Army cause I knew how it was for married folk in the Army. <br />
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About the time I was getting out of the Army people started coming up to me and would prophecy suddenly that God had picked a wife for me. This from people who didn't even know each other. I was around 22. I knew God was up to something and I accepted it. It was after I had asked God after realizing some one I thought who might be "the one" was "maybe not" I asked God that he would guide me so I didn't miss who he had for me. Then I got a call the next day from a woman I had lost contact since she had left the Army a year out of the blue. I guess she suddenly had the urge to look at old e-mails and found my home number and called me the day after that prayer. There were dreams that God gave her and then me later afterwards too. Even her dad had this impression that some one she was seeing wasn't the one. That who ever he was wore glasses. I guess some how he knew that. There were quite a few miracles that led to us getting married even though she was from the other side of the USA at the time. <br />
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Anyways that's what worked for me and I guess it didn't happen really fast cause I got married at 25 but I didn't worry too much about it and it worked it self out. In fact I had forgotten I had asked God that but I was reminded after I started getting prophecies from people at different churches. At that time we visited quite a few distant churches. <br />
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Not to say it happens the same way for everyone but that's how it worked out for me. Been married over 6 years now. <br />
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I'll keep you in my prayers and wish you the best.

I know exactly how you feel! I am so bitter anymore.. I don't even have friends let alone a love. I am 24 I have a little girl that is two and I feel exactly the way you do! to be honest with you I don't know that I have ever truly been in love with anyone. I try these online dating sites and every single person I meet ranging from the 30 yr old virgin to the x Meth dealer have made online dating prospects completely unattractive. I am starting to think I am the defective one. I reek of desperation and I feel so needy, I neither gained friends or love from online dating. I understand that headline.

holy crap ive never seen 61 comments before<br />
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the piece you wrote was pretty good

I absolutely loved reading this. So very true. The internet only enables you to hide further by giving you the tools to make your prison walls look more inviting from the outside. <br />
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Everyone loves to use the term "WYSIWYG" to describe themselves, but rarely are they ever telling the truth.

There's nothing wrong with being single. It's okay if you need more time to yourself. Online and real life dating both have its draw-backs. You might not be ready to jump back out there, yet. Don't rush...

Sadly, I believe that is what most people do - which means that you more than likely really are not going to be going out with the person that you think that you are.<br />
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But there is indeed more truth in what you write than not.

it can also kindle love , if your not in it ,you can not win it , have an interest and join a club , start networking , you could even meet a guy through some of your women friends , their male friends , cousins ,brothers ect , it will happen when you least expect it , start having a life for YOURSELF , good luck......sat

All I can say, is WOW! Well, maybe a bit more. What a ride it was, reading all of your comments up to this point. I don't know whether to be "jacked - up" or "crushed". Lots of great insights though.

I wont say your wrong because alot of timesthats all any dating is about.I think people are too scared to admit that we all have loniness and fears about being alone.What we do instead is lie to ourselves as well as others and tell people we dont need love from others.<br />
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Dating websites are a give and take.Ive been on them and im not exactly a big hit on any of them.The older you get and the more jacked up some of your situations are the worst time you'll have.This is enough to discourage anyone from joining any of them!<br />
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Hang in there and time will tell if you will find the man of your dreams no matter what your situation is and how you feel about things.<br />
There's more people out there that share your situation than you might think.. ill keep you in my prayers.

Nobody knows where you will find your love, thus, keep searching every where and do not focus your search in one place.<br />
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You could meet him/her in the supermarket, or some kind of event that put you together. However, do not wait for such events to happen but go for places where a lot of people want to meet each other.<br />
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Embarrassment and shyness may leave you in the darkness where no body can see you. Go to the light, and enlighten your self with positive ideas and introduce your self to people.<br />
You may make some mistakes but who does not, and do not be afraid because this is the only way to learn from your life.<br />
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Understand people and think of a way to get a long with the ones who are good for you.<br />
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May God fill our lives with his graces.

i met my girlfriend through the internet , after many disaster dates! and we are still together 4 years on! and very happy so it can work for some people, best of luck x

I totally understand how you feel Singleliving, I have been taking a break from internet dating for similar reasons.

Excellent reflections. I too have been single for a little over five years. I don't think I am jaded or picky, think I am holding out for the 'one'. In the meantime I am resolved to spend time with interesting minds, maybe make a friend or two. However dating as one gets older is a tricky business. I agree it is trying filling out those profile 'about me' thingies. I often have a mind block when it comes to those things because I believe I am evolving and learning about this life of mine.

Fustrated, there's three great times for women to get married: 1) right out of high school; 2) right after college, and; 3) right after he got divorced or widowed. After periods one and two, she starts falling into the aged wreck catagory. The guys women <B> want</b> to marry are the guys who have some kind of academic success and a good chance of continued employment and those guys get married after periods one and two. After that, it's left overs (social retards, chronic unemployed, on parole, etc) a gal doesn't want to marry until #3 comes along. He'll have an employment track record and can't stand living alone. He won't be in the market for long. <hr /><br />
Big question is would you want to marry/date a guy in the same position as you're in? You're going to have to change.

The internet didn't kill love. Love lives in us all. Only you can kill your love. I met my current girlfriend on Craigslist. We have been dating for over a year and plan on getting married down the road. We get along great and our personalities perfectly compliment each other. I hate coming off as a ****, but I have to in this case. If you have failed relationship after relationship, if they keep cheating on you, or dumping you, or something else ALWAYS happens to ruin it... It's probably you. You are most likely doing something wrong or your standards are out of whack. You control your own life, your own destiny, your own actions, your own happiness. From what I can tell, your not even happy with yourself. How can you make someone else happy?

I love your ad, its real. It says everything that everybody is afraid to say. I am always honest and honestly, it's often to my detriment as i find I get adverse reactions from people- but the really great people that have been in my life for years accept me for me and, love me for me. Warts and all. <br />
Be who you are then only the best will come. If someone doesn't like it, they are not worth it.<br />
Good luck xxxx

I think you have to try and avoid coming across as desperate. I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure you're a lovely woman an all with a great personality but you're in danger of attracting the wrong type of attention from the preditors out there looking to score with some single bird off the rebound and secondly any guy out there who may be interested would just see you as a bit of a bunny boiler.<br />
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My advise should you seek it is to be humble with the truth. Leave the baggage behind. Go on the dating sites but be cautious. The internet can be very deceptive and you don't know who you'll meet.<br />
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If you meet Mr. right then after time let the baggage out but in drabs, don't suffocate him with the "I got to get out of here syndrome"<br />
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I hope it works out for you

I think you have to try and avoid coming across as desperate. I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure you're a lovely woman an all with a great personality but you're in danger of attracting the wrong type of attention from the preditors out there looking to score with some single bird off the rebound and secondly any guy out there who may be interested would just see you as a bit of a bunny boiler.<br />
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My advise should you seek it is to be humble with the truth. Leave the baggage behind. Go on the dating sites but be cautious. The internet can be very deceptive and you don't know who you'll meet.<br />
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If you meet Mr. right then after time let the baggage out but in drabs, don't suffocate him with the "I got to get out of here syndrome"<br />
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I hope it works out for you

I so very much connect with your story. As a single woman in her 30's, I also find it difficult to meet suitable men and have run across the same situations you wrote about. I, for the most part enjoyed internet dating and actually fell in love with a wonderful man. Yes, I have had some interesting experiences with online dating but your post was very insightful and funny! Keep your chin up- all us single women over 30 must stick together! haha :)

actually honestly speaking there's at least a few men out there who are tired of exactly what you speak to. hump and dump...we went online though because we couldn't find girls in real life that took men who were interested in anything but sex. My inbox is flooded currently with "I should know better by now. I'm so sorry paul !I don't know why I love self destructive love so much."

internet dating is dangerous as i found out at my displeasure, she tried to take me for all she could to pay off her families debt ridden *****, i wasnt ware til one day we had a phone call from a debt collection agaency thanking us for a payment which she took from my account, but the police got involved as i dont really like some broke *** b>>>> stealing my cash, shes now doing 10 yrs for that misdemaeanor , hope she enjoys the cat fights while shes inside, and oh yes i go the mney back , all of it, her house was foreclosed on and she lost that also, payback is sweet isnt it, internet daters BEWARE

Dating web sites have NEVER worked for me. I used to read the profiles, reply and get zip. Later I found out that once a gal gets someone, she doesn't take her profile down. After about 200 zip replies, I did find a woman who DID want to go out but then I found out she came with a nightmare series of problems. <br />
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Generally, I'd find women on message bases and chat rooms who first got interested in me from my replies. Then they'd send me e-mail and if that worked out, they'd send me a phone number. Between the time they first started sending e-mail to the time we were out on the town: six to eigtht months. <br />
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It is a TON of writing. <br />
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I'm still at it but I don't EXPECT dates. I just want to have interesting conversational exchanges. That works better than the dating service: be an interesting person and they'll come to you.

A few things I would NOT recommend btw...don't say "looking for an honest guy" "no game pla<x>yers" etc. That's basically a waste of text anyway. Also overgeneralizations are kind of pointless too "funloving", for example. Mention specific things you like to do for fun (obviously staying away from the pina colada walking hand and hand on the beach sort of thing). <br />
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I also wrote that I liked a man who opened my car door for me, because I do. If you like that sort of old-fashioned gentlemanly type stuff, mention that because that was VERY popular as well.

I wholly recommend I was only on the site for four weeks. (I serial dated for about a month and then found a wonderful man...three months so far, and it's going really well, I'm very optimistic about it!)<br />
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It's completely free. Men FAR outnumber the women...I received 3000 emails in 4 weeks and frankly, I kind of live in the boonies. I did manage to get a lot of attention from a major city 2 hrs away though.<br />
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As for the profile - I have to say that mine was very, very popular. I had many people say it was the best one they'd ever read. I don't remember what I said so much in the body of it but mentioned specifics about myself...I'm a Trek nerd, I'm an intelligent woman and if you aren't specifically attracted to that we won't be compatible...and then I ended it with a list of about 10 reasons why they might NOT like me. They included the fact that I have small children, am not religious, do not care one bit about sports, etc.<br />
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So. It REALLY really worked for two cents. If I'm ever single again, i would not hesitate for a second to go back to that site.

that sort of honesty would definately trim the fat no doubt but to eliminate everybody..? There are people out there who dont want your stock standard average person and with the right plus sides would overlook most negatives. Being honest is the only real way to find anyone who is interested in the real you. You dont want to be stuck in a relationship where you lying to yourself that he wants you for you when in reality he wants imaginary "super girl" do you? Its just going to take a bit longer. Then again ive never internet dated so i dont know if its much different.

I loved what you wrote. So real. And so true. I'm feeling like I have less of a handle on what moves me emotionally towards love. Perhaps it is this "Match" thing. Maybe something more. Maybe just caught up in my own sense of melancholy. Hopefully I'll figure this out. <br />
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I appreciate the thoughtful article and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.<br />
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I used to do quite a bit of online dating. Honesty has gotten me lifelong friends both online and offline, and I've met lovely men, it makes some culling, but worth it.But it's good to do both online and offline dating. Be careful, but keep a Private Investigator handy for if you get serious with that person. I'm serious.<br />
<br />
women liberation movement Aaron Russo Alex Jones<br /><br />
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Video: 60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb<br /><br />
<br />
The Surrendered Wife: A Woman's Spiritual Guide to True Intimacy with a Man<br /><br />
Then Go to dating sites<br /> -> interest search for "taken in hand", ...

I know it seems scary or difficult... but I met my husband on eharmony and we have now been married three and 1/2 years. <br />
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And I never would have known him if it weren't for the internet. I don't think it has killed love at all... in fact I think it is just keeping pace with the way the world is changing. While that can be scary especially if you are used to dating a different way. <br />
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We are only like 30 so it made sense to us... but I can see how it wold be scary if you were embarking on a relationship after a divorce. But be strong. It will be fine.... and no you will not meet the man of your dreams the first time you go out with someone from the internet. I have lots of really insane stories about the guys I went out with beforehand... one of them was a semi professional wrestler who had lightening bolts shaved into his facial hair... and one of them was "getting" divorced but hadn't yet filed.<br />
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So yes there are some jerks but then there are guys like my husband and like lots of our friends who decided to join because of our success... and who are now in awesome relationships with wonderful people some of whom are now engaged. <br />
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Good luck.

i forgot to mention that they try to convince you that if you buy a membership that your chances will be better at finding someone,well let me tell you i have paid for memberships and haven't gotten any better results for it.

-hi,my name is brenda,catlover4 on here,and i know exactly what you are talking about,from what i read in your story we wnnt through the exact same thing, well i don't know if your ex was abusive like mine, but i assume so ,but still they sound an awful lot alike,aqnd i also tried the church thing, the bar/club thing, and i don't even know how many datesites i've been on,but i do know i haven't had any luck with them.but i did meet the greatest guy ,hrough lava life mobile and we have been together for 2 years now,so don't give up because there is someone out there for you,i didn't think i would everfind anyone that would love and accept me as and for who and the way i am buti maybe you should try them. but don't give up on love, i didn't and i foung it.

Great post. I really enjoyed reading it. Perhaps I can offer a different perspective. I'm 24 and have been single the majority of my teenage and young adult life. Not that I enjoy being single. But what I (and surely everyone alive) have encountered is that, to my utter frustration, there really are a lot of great people out there - all of whom already seem to be involved or married. And then there are the others, who are completely available but also completely uninteresting prospects. But what occurs to me is that the really great people worth pursuing a real relationship with, are seldom single for long enough to sign up to internet dating sites... resulting in all the rest making up the majority of people who can be found on these sites. I've never tried internet dating and don't really have any interest in trying it. I think the man you are looking for probably does exist. But he will be found in real life. I think Sandra is right. Focus on being a great friend and a great person who stands out from the crowd. You will be more noticeable to anyone looking around for prospects.<br />
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I wish you the best of luck.

i agree with what ur saying . i have tried internet dating since i been on the intetrnet and it just dont work for me and im not sure why .anyway but i hope u find love tho maybe say more later about this ....saying hello...

I also met my true love right here on EP one year ago.

internet dating can be bad or good. I met and married my 2nd husband from and online dating site. I was a great love with tons of passion and just awesome but it did not last. The problem with internet dating is sometimes ppl still are looking even though they are supposed to be dating the person they met. It is all the choices. There everywhere and you always are wondering "is he/she the right one" "is this one better" yada yada. I think alot of ppl are single bc of all the choices we have now due to the internet. And Im talking about pure dating sites not sites like EP where we join to become friends. But then again you could meet the nicest, most honest person online. It is just chance really.

Yes love happened to me when I least expected it right here on EP. I am getting ready to make some serious life changes, move out of state. Of course if you are using the dating site, you can be honest but more creative about wording. For example, instead of shy, say quiet and reserved. You have a great sense of humor. Anyone would be attracted to that. So say witty, prefer hanging in small groups of friends, list hobbies and admit you are not interested in any losers.

Fully understand. But the problem is we women have alot of expectation when we fall in love. And the first flush of mad lust of falling into each others arms will fade away with time (could be 1 month or even a year or two for some). Guys aren't programmed that way. Once they are sure you're the one, they expect you to understand while they go on their merry way like hanging out with their friends or football season and not nagging about why we don't go out anymore. So the vicious cycle goes on and on.

Nice to know there are other lonely hermits who are shell shocked.

I totally hear you! Incredibly insightful characterization of the situation -- and so funny! I'd love to hear your take on speed dating...

Singleliving<br />
I do like the way you write<br />
It is funny and self deprecating <br />
I'd like to see your story in a magazine

You have a wonderful sense of humor. Many of our members know how difficult it can be to get back into the dating scene after a divorce but with your sense of humor I can't imagine that your inbox will stay empty for long. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

LOL at hump and dump.<br />
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thats I line I'm going to copyright.

This post is completely hilarious! I agree with Krissie - you should have posted the pathatic plea - it would have gotten you the attention of someone who has a sense of humor.. I couldn't agree with Basspla<x>yer more - really good advice about being yourself... and I also echo sahira - focus on making friends..<br />
EP is a great place; cept only for the distance issue in most situations.... <br />
~ best of luck ~

: ) She is the best. I just run around smiling a lot. lol

I think you should be honest - and don't lie! You don't have to share EVERY detail at once, but you will know if it is right or not! Be you - the right persn will come to you - and you will be happier :)

I think you've agreed with me once before so I think that makes 2 :)<br />
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You two are absolutely what's best about this place

I agree with Bass for once.<br />
I actually found my soul mate right here on EP.<br />
I couldn't be happier.

I came to EP a broken mess. I proceeded in the next few months to put my self out there 100%. Totally honest and upfront, all my insecurities and flaws right there in print for anyone to read alongside whatever I felt were my good points. No games, no deceptions no matter how slight, just honesty. Lo and behold I found much to my delight that people were not put off by my bad points at all. I have made some wonderful life long friends here some of whom I've met already and have more plans to get together with. I also met the love of my life here. <br />
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I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe that meeting on line has the potential to be far better than traditional methods but only if there is total honesty. Jazzing up an online profile is misleading and is bound to disappoint a potential mate who is counting on getting what was written. If you have total honesty and communication , online you really get to know a person well very quickly because there are no physical distractions. It worked for me. I believe that EP is the best non dating, dating site.

Maybe you can just focus on making friends rather than love for the moment.Sometimes when you least expect it love finds you and you may find that when you least expect it.Im 51 going through a divorce and sure I get lonely to cause there are really no places here to go.Im happy for the most part maybe im finding out who I am.Thats a nice post by the way looks like youve already made some new friends.Take care and hang in there.

brilliant post. My heart goes out to you.

Great post. I don't know if the Internet killed love...or merely revealed to us that its been dead for quite some time.<br><br />
I'm sure in the 1800's people felt exactly the same way!<br><br />
Wasn't Emily Dickens constantly depressed that she never had any great loves?<br><br />
At first blush it SEEMS that finding someone that your attracted to and compatible with would be easy using the raw processing power of the Internet...but the sad truth is that all it does is prove that there really isn't anyone out there for us at all!<br><br />
Maybe the Internet has killed love in the sense that it has taken away our illusions about who is really out there and available to choose from?<br><br />
In 1800 you could blissfully go through your life truly believing that your special someone was "out there" and you could meet them at any moment.<br><br />
Thanks to eHarmony and we no longer have that blissful ignorance. We now know EXACTLY who is waiting for us "out there" and our selection consists almost entirely of broke nutters with faces only a Mother could love.<br><br />
I think I was happier not knowing!

Rather mean I must say...