Internet Dating, the Answer to the Lonely Heart...or Maybe Not

I have been single for almost 5 years and I am reaching the point where I think I shall never meet the right man to share my life with. My divorce from a long loveless marriage was inevitable and difficult, but I also had a glimmer of excitement that finally I would be free to meet and date other people and somewhere in that process I was bound to meet someone perfect for me.

I was cautious and shy to begin with. Post divorce, I was void of a social life. Clubs and pubs reserved exclusively for the under 30's denied me the chance to get out and meet people of my peer group. The church offered up single men, still living with their mothers who never even dated, let alone be pushing for a relationship. I spoke to my other single friends...

'The internet' they said and more precisely internet dating. Out there and at your fingertips a whole myriad of super sassy sites with easy access. Fill in a profile, add a few reasonable pictures and list exactly what you are looking for. Not only would the dear internet pick out suitable men, it would screen them for all your preferences. Non smoker, tall, solvent, hard working, reasonably fit and active...No way were you ever going to have to suffer some boring chain smoking lay about...he wouldn't make it through the strict

You punch it all in, jazz it up with a few lines about yourself. I am happy (but not really) carefree (but not always) out going (except when I realise how lonely I am) take great care of myself (except for on another Saturday night when I have been stuffing the Haagen Das and glugging the chardonnay out of sheer and utter mind crushing boredom) I am fun ( except when I just want to bury myself under the duvet in sheer frustration) create a persona so attractive that even passing comets veer off course and steer their way to you.

But should you tell the truth??

'I am an insecure, lonely, over anxious hermit, who desperately wants to be loved. I do have a big heart (and this is true) but I am shy to meet people. I have a pretty nice exterior but want to avoid being humped and dumped!!!'

Put this in your profile and you'd be lucky to attract shrek!! you go with the flowery, sunshiney, sugar coated option in the hope that someone will notice!!! hit the button and wait for the e-mail to start rolling in...

And this is what I did... (to be continued)

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64 Responses Mar 5, 2009

I think you have to try and avoid coming across as desperate. I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure you're a lovely woman an all with a great personality but you're in danger of attracting the wrong type of attention from the preditors out there looking to score with some single bird off the rebound and secondly any guy out there who may be interested would just see you as a bit of a bunny boiler.<br />
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My advise should you seek it is to be humble with the truth. Leave the baggage behind. Go on the dating sites but be cautious. The internet can be very deceptive and you don't know who you'll meet.<br />
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If you meet Mr. right then after time let the baggage out but in drabs, don't suffocate him with the "I got to get out of here syndrome"<br />
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I hope it works out for you

I so very much connect with your story. As a single woman in her 30's, I also find it difficult to meet suitable men and have run across the same situations you wrote about. I, for the most part enjoyed internet dating and actually fell in love with a wonderful man. Yes, I have had some interesting experiences with online dating but your post was very insightful and funny! Keep your chin up- all us single women over 30 must stick together! haha :)

actually honestly speaking there's at least a few men out there who are tired of exactly what you speak to. hump and dump...we went online though because we couldn't find girls in real life that took men who were interested in anything but sex. My inbox is flooded currently with "I should know better by now. I'm so sorry paul !I don't know why I love self destructive love so much."

internet dating is dangerous as i found out at my displeasure, she tried to take me for all she could to pay off her families debt ridden *****, i wasnt ware til one day we had a phone call from a debt collection agaency thanking us for a payment which she took from my account, but the police got involved as i dont really like some broke *** b>>>> stealing my cash, shes now doing 10 yrs for that misdemaeanor , hope she enjoys the cat fights while shes inside, and oh yes i go the mney back , all of it, her house was foreclosed on and she lost that also, payback is sweet isnt it, internet daters BEWARE

Dating web sites have NEVER worked for me. I used to read the profiles, reply and get zip. Later I found out that once a gal gets someone, she doesn't take her profile down. After about 200 zip replies, I did find a woman who DID want to go out but then I found out she came with a nightmare series of problems. <br />
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Generally, I'd find women on message bases and chat rooms who first got interested in me from my replies. Then they'd send me e-mail and if that worked out, they'd send me a phone number. Between the time they first started sending e-mail to the time we were out on the town: six to eigtht months. <br />
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It is a TON of writing. <br />
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I'm still at it but I don't EXPECT dates. I just want to have interesting conversational exchanges. That works better than the dating service: be an interesting person and they'll come to you.

A few things I would NOT recommend btw...don't say "looking for an honest guy" "no game pla<x>yers" etc. That's basically a waste of text anyway. Also overgeneralizations are kind of pointless too "funloving", for example. Mention specific things you like to do for fun (obviously staying away from the pina colada walking hand and hand on the beach sort of thing). <br />
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I also wrote that I liked a man who opened my car door for me, because I do. If you like that sort of old-fashioned gentlemanly type stuff, mention that because that was VERY popular as well.

I wholly recommend I was only on the site for four weeks. (I serial dated for about a month and then found a wonderful man...three months so far, and it's going really well, I'm very optimistic about it!)<br />
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It's completely free. Men FAR outnumber the women...I received 3000 emails in 4 weeks and frankly, I kind of live in the boonies. I did manage to get a lot of attention from a major city 2 hrs away though.<br />
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As for the profile - I have to say that mine was very, very popular. I had many people say it was the best one they'd ever read. I don't remember what I said so much in the body of it but mentioned specifics about myself...I'm a Trek nerd, I'm an intelligent woman and if you aren't specifically attracted to that we won't be compatible...and then I ended it with a list of about 10 reasons why they might NOT like me. They included the fact that I have small children, am not religious, do not care one bit about sports, etc.<br />
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So. It REALLY really worked for two cents. If I'm ever single again, i would not hesitate for a second to go back to that site.

that sort of honesty would definately trim the fat no doubt but to eliminate everybody..? There are people out there who dont want your stock standard average person and with the right plus sides would overlook most negatives. Being honest is the only real way to find anyone who is interested in the real you. You dont want to be stuck in a relationship where you lying to yourself that he wants you for you when in reality he wants imaginary "super girl" do you? Its just going to take a bit longer. Then again ive never internet dated so i dont know if its much different.

I loved what you wrote. So real. And so true. I'm feeling like I have less of a handle on what moves me emotionally towards love. Perhaps it is this "Match" thing. Maybe something more. Maybe just caught up in my own sense of melancholy. Hopefully I'll figure this out. <br />
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I appreciate the thoughtful article and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.<br />
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I used to do quite a bit of online dating. Honesty has gotten me lifelong friends both online and offline, and I've met lovely men, it makes some culling, but worth it.But it's good to do both online and offline dating. Be careful, but keep a Private Investigator handy for if you get serious with that person. I'm serious.<br />
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women liberation movement Aaron Russo Alex Jones<br /><br />
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Video: 60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb<br /><br />
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The Surrendered Wife: A Woman's Spiritual Guide to True Intimacy with a Man<br /><br />
Then Go to dating sites<br /> -> interest search for "taken in hand", ...

I know it seems scary or difficult... but I met my husband on eharmony and we have now been married three and 1/2 years. <br />
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And I never would have known him if it weren't for the internet. I don't think it has killed love at all... in fact I think it is just keeping pace with the way the world is changing. While that can be scary especially if you are used to dating a different way. <br />
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We are only like 30 so it made sense to us... but I can see how it wold be scary if you were embarking on a relationship after a divorce. But be strong. It will be fine.... and no you will not meet the man of your dreams the first time you go out with someone from the internet. I have lots of really insane stories about the guys I went out with beforehand... one of them was a semi professional wrestler who had lightening bolts shaved into his facial hair... and one of them was "getting" divorced but hadn't yet filed.<br />
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So yes there are some jerks but then there are guys like my husband and like lots of our friends who decided to join because of our success... and who are now in awesome relationships with wonderful people some of whom are now engaged. <br />
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Good luck.

i forgot to mention that they try to convince you that if you buy a membership that your chances will be better at finding someone,well let me tell you i have paid for memberships and haven't gotten any better results for it.

-hi,my name is brenda,catlover4 on here,and i know exactly what you are talking about,from what i read in your story we wnnt through the exact same thing, well i don't know if your ex was abusive like mine, but i assume so ,but still they sound an awful lot alike,aqnd i also tried the church thing, the bar/club thing, and i don't even know how many datesites i've been on,but i do know i haven't had any luck with them.but i did meet the greatest guy ,hrough lava life mobile and we have been together for 2 years now,so don't give up because there is someone out there for you,i didn't think i would everfind anyone that would love and accept me as and for who and the way i am buti maybe you should try them. but don't give up on love, i didn't and i foung it.

Great post. I really enjoyed reading it. Perhaps I can offer a different perspective. I'm 24 and have been single the majority of my teenage and young adult life. Not that I enjoy being single. But what I (and surely everyone alive) have encountered is that, to my utter frustration, there really are a lot of great people out there - all of whom already seem to be involved or married. And then there are the others, who are completely available but also completely uninteresting prospects. But what occurs to me is that the really great people worth pursuing a real relationship with, are seldom single for long enough to sign up to internet dating sites... resulting in all the rest making up the majority of people who can be found on these sites. I've never tried internet dating and don't really have any interest in trying it. I think the man you are looking for probably does exist. But he will be found in real life. I think Sandra is right. Focus on being a great friend and a great person who stands out from the crowd. You will be more noticeable to anyone looking around for prospects.<br />
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I wish you the best of luck.

i agree with what ur saying . i have tried internet dating since i been on the intetrnet and it just dont work for me and im not sure why .anyway but i hope u find love tho maybe say more later about this ....saying hello...

I also met my true love right here on EP one year ago.

internet dating can be bad or good. I met and married my 2nd husband from and online dating site. I was a great love with tons of passion and just awesome but it did not last. The problem with internet dating is sometimes ppl still are looking even though they are supposed to be dating the person they met. It is all the choices. There everywhere and you always are wondering "is he/she the right one" "is this one better" yada yada. I think alot of ppl are single bc of all the choices we have now due to the internet. And Im talking about pure dating sites not sites like EP where we join to become friends. But then again you could meet the nicest, most honest person online. It is just chance really.

Yes love happened to me when I least expected it right here on EP. I am getting ready to make some serious life changes, move out of state. Of course if you are using the dating site, you can be honest but more creative about wording. For example, instead of shy, say quiet and reserved. You have a great sense of humor. Anyone would be attracted to that. So say witty, prefer hanging in small groups of friends, list hobbies and admit you are not interested in any losers.

Fully understand. But the problem is we women have alot of expectation when we fall in love. And the first flush of mad lust of falling into each others arms will fade away with time (could be 1 month or even a year or two for some). Guys aren't programmed that way. Once they are sure you're the one, they expect you to understand while they go on their merry way like hanging out with their friends or football season and not nagging about why we don't go out anymore. So the vicious cycle goes on and on.

Nice to know there are other lonely hermits who are shell shocked.

I totally hear you! Incredibly insightful characterization of the situation -- and so funny! I'd love to hear your take on speed dating...

Singleliving<br />
I do like the way you write<br />
It is funny and self deprecating <br />
I'd like to see your story in a magazine

You have a wonderful sense of humor. Many of our members know how difficult it can be to get back into the dating scene after a divorce but with your sense of humor I can't imagine that your inbox will stay empty for long. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

LOL at hump and dump.<br />
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thats I line I'm going to copyright.

This post is completely hilarious! I agree with Krissie - you should have posted the pathatic plea - it would have gotten you the attention of someone who has a sense of humor.. I couldn't agree with Basspla<x>yer more - really good advice about being yourself... and I also echo sahira - focus on making friends..<br />
EP is a great place; cept only for the distance issue in most situations.... <br />
~ best of luck ~

: ) She is the best. I just run around smiling a lot. lol

I think you should be honest - and don't lie! You don't have to share EVERY detail at once, but you will know if it is right or not! Be you - the right persn will come to you - and you will be happier :)

I think you've agreed with me once before so I think that makes 2 :)<br />
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You two are absolutely what's best about this place

I agree with Bass for once.<br />
I actually found my soul mate right here on EP.<br />
I couldn't be happier.

I came to EP a broken mess. I proceeded in the next few months to put my self out there 100%. Totally honest and upfront, all my insecurities and flaws right there in print for anyone to read alongside whatever I felt were my good points. No games, no deceptions no matter how slight, just honesty. Lo and behold I found much to my delight that people were not put off by my bad points at all. I have made some wonderful life long friends here some of whom I've met already and have more plans to get together with. I also met the love of my life here. <br />
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I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe that meeting on line has the potential to be far better than traditional methods but only if there is total honesty. Jazzing up an online profile is misleading and is bound to disappoint a potential mate who is counting on getting what was written. If you have total honesty and communication , online you really get to know a person well very quickly because there are no physical distractions. It worked for me. I believe that EP is the best non dating, dating site.

Maybe you can just focus on making friends rather than love for the moment.Sometimes when you least expect it love finds you and you may find that when you least expect it.Im 51 going through a divorce and sure I get lonely to cause there are really no places here to go.Im happy for the most part maybe im finding out who I am.Thats a nice post by the way looks like youve already made some new friends.Take care and hang in there.

brilliant post. My heart goes out to you.

Great post. I don't know if the Internet killed love...or merely revealed to us that its been dead for quite some time.<br><br />
I'm sure in the 1800's people felt exactly the same way!<br><br />
Wasn't Emily Dickens constantly depressed that she never had any great loves?<br><br />
At first blush it SEEMS that finding someone that your attracted to and compatible with would be easy using the raw processing power of the Internet...but the sad truth is that all it does is prove that there really isn't anyone out there for us at all!<br><br />
Maybe the Internet has killed love in the sense that it has taken away our illusions about who is really out there and available to choose from?<br><br />
In 1800 you could blissfully go through your life truly believing that your special someone was "out there" and you could meet them at any moment.<br><br />
Thanks to eHarmony and we no longer have that blissful ignorance. We now know EXACTLY who is waiting for us "out there" and our selection consists almost entirely of broke nutters with faces only a Mother could love.<br><br />
I think I was happier not knowing!

Rather mean I must say...