I had taken a big step. I had entered into the heady giddy world of internet dating by putting myself down in prose and staking a claim on the sea of love. I sat back and pondered what might happen and was very surprised when, on checking my profile that 12 e-mails had arrived within 10 minutes of my big 'launch'
10 minutes??? wow this thing works fast...utter genius. I laughed to myself. This is so simple how could I have failed so dismally before. Before I had even opened one single mail, I could picture myself, happy smiling with Mr Right clutching my arm and waving from the bridge of our yacht...or penthouse or from the balcony of our time share in Marbella. YES YES YES...this was it...this was the start of loves true course and I would never feel lonely again!!! YIPEEE!!!
First mail opened ' Your nice, like to chat?' Chat?? how does one begin? I stared at the picture, it was a blob, the sender had no picture. I checked out the profile, 'IN A RELATIONSHIP'...excuse me this must be a glitch!! I was waiting for MR WONDERFUL, not MR I BELONG TO SOMEONE ELSE AND I LOOK LIKE A BLOB!!! A cursory ' Thankyou for the e-mail but no thanks' was bolted off and I moved onto the second of the mails.
A soliloquy of the heart . A life story compacted into a neat and understandable set of three paragraphs...past...his ex wife...present...his lonely search for love...the future...he wanted me to be his future. This was all very sudden but he was an attractive man. Several pictures of him snow boarding in the Alpe d'Huez , having a good time with his friends at a club and one of him standing doing the dishes over the sink completed the glory of the moment. I liked this chap, he was poetic and passionate and he had made a beeline to my door (or e-mail in box). I wrote back immediately, filled with excitement to say hello. Was this the defining moment that could change it all?? would I be on Oprah?? MOST ROMANTIC COUPLE IN THE WORLD. I eagerly awaited a reply...
I flitted through the next few mails while I waited in anticipation. Most of them had no picture, or were from other countries. Some were just making an enquiry as to whether I should like to join them for a quick fumble in the back of their car parked in a grotty lay by. Not me!! I had struck gold on my first day. Super jet set gorgeous action man was about to sweep me off my feet. He had honed in on me and I just had to wait to start the ball rolling. Then in it came!!! I could barely contain myself!!!
Well it wasn't exactly poetry. Mr All action jet set wanted to know if I had any other pictures? He requested to see a full length shot, but wasn't fussed if my head was in it??? I quickly wrote back stating that I didn't have such a picture of myself, but that I was tall, in good proportions and a standard dress size 14. I had an uncomfortable moment at having to suddenly describe my body to someone I didn't really know. His previous mail had been so frilly and deep, surely there was no shallowness about him. He did his own dishes, for petes sake.
His reply was swift, 'Sorry I don't date 'large' ladies!!!! LARGE LADIES?????? I am not large!!! I am fit and healthy and active, dress very well and work out three times a week??? what an earth was going on?? why had he sent such a heartfelt and adoring plea to me in the first place. He quickly put me right. The aforementioned e-mail was his 'gig', it was his personal statement, that he randomly carpet bombed womens profiles with en masse to see who took the bait. Then he could sit back and narrow down the field, discarding, like Caligula any who did not amuse him!!! ( I felt a little touche moment as my own profile had a few hand picked requirements, but at least I hadn't actually mailed people randomly) I felt totally crestfallen. **** I didn't even make the 'maybe' pile. I was cast out on my dress size.
I had learned my first very important lesson about internet dating. Its a minefield for your emotions and YOU WILL BE JUDGED!!! and in the flimsiest of terms.
I opened the last few mails of the day. More offers of 'no strings sex' more heartbreak stories insidiously disguised as an assult on 'the ex' and one or two offers from 'boys' barely out of short trousers!!
If you were a child molesting, ex bashing nymphomanic...you had it made!!! If you were a relatively normal (albeit naive) woman looking for love...you were on stony ground.
MR BLOB wrote back 'If your going to be picky love, it's no wonder your single'
I was too polite to type what I really thought...
(to be continued)