Internet Dating For the Terminally Lonely...

I had been using internet dating for a whole two weeks and with every passing e-mail, I began to wonder if I was doing something wrong. I had been thoroughly wooed by the front page images of happy couples gazing lovingly into each others eyes. Him, bronzed and muscular with just a hint of a macho glint in his smile, a protective arm around her, small slim defensless little bunny, her eyes pleading 'I love you darling!! but screw me over...your dead meat!!'  Ahhh I was still convinced it would work for me.

After an initial glut of e-mails, things slowed down. I realised that there seems to be a kind of protocol on internet dating. New members are flashed up like a fresh new commodity. Just like advertising the latest model of car or gaming system.

'Yes she is, fresh out of the pen, our newest member. WOW check out her exciting new profile!!! and there, in the star shaped image box, with flashing lights round it is Elsie, 58, 350lbs, wearing last decades perm, a dress made out of a pair of 1970's curtains and displaying rather too much of her voluptuous cleavage!!!..Get in there boys!!! She won't be round for long!!! Elsie cites her interests as needlepoint, worming the cat and reading Jilly Cooper novels.


With a click...Elsie is gone and we're onto Lee 27, seperated from his wife last Tuesday in dubious circumstances and looking for a 'bit of fun'. His picture shows him out with the boys, wearing an overly large foam hat in the shape of a moosehead, ciggie on his lip and pint of best in his hand...but don't worry girls, Lee has a sensitive side, his favourite film is The Green Mile...perfect!!!

Being a new member, albeit for 20 seconds, makes other members jump on you like your the last can of beans in a famine. They won't necessarily read your profile, which is slightly annoying as many people spend absolutely ages baring their soul in 350 words or less. The Magna Carta took less time to put together compared with some peoples efforts...and there are so many ways to say 'Im lonely and want to find someone special'. Too frivilous and your shallow, Too clinical and your bitter, Too heartfelt and your needy. It's very hard to get it right...and even if you do, most people will judge you on your picture alone and then with one click...your gone!

Suddenly there was a glimmer of hope. An e-mail had arrived which seemed slightly different. For a start the guy actually mentioned stuff from my profile. Yippeee!!! he has actually read and digested it. He lived about 20 miles from me and seemed to tick a few of my boxes. He was 45 and quite attractive. Further e-mails were exchanged and his charisma worked like a charm...a date was arranged for the following week. I had given him my mobile telephone number. I thought this sensible in case he needed to contact me. He sent me daily texts to enquire how I was. I am sure he was testing the ground, to see if I would pull out of the date at the last minute. NO WAY JOSE!!! I was extremely nervous but sooo damned excited to meet him.

The day of the date arrived and so did a rather lurid and graphic text message to my phone referring to my underwear. Ok so theres nothing wrong with a little flirting when you know someone pretty well, but I wasnt expecting **** from him. I decided to ignore it and was anticipating a good time!!!

When I saw him, I was a little taken aback to be honest. His hair a shade or ten greyer than his pic. I didn't want to judge him but he looked a lot older than the photo he had shown me. He was a little sheepish and most definitely not 45...he was 58, he was also a smoker when he said he had quit and I did contemplate donning a gas mask to show my dissapointment. Gas masks are also excellent for hiding your tears!!!

When I asked him why he had lied about his age...he looked a little sad and said 'because if you had known I was nearly 60, you wouldn't have wanted to meet me'

I did genuinely feel sorry for him, but I also felt let down. This wasn't quite what I had in mind.

I pictured me and him in 20 years. Me in a raincoat and comfy shoes, pushing him down the road in his wheelchair...heading swiftly for the egde of a cliff after several years of nagging and having to change his incontinence pants! Women cannot help doing that...gazing into the future with every prospective suitor, its fatal.

I saw out the date and even paid for my own dinner. He glugged several pints of beer and at one point his left eye went to sleep. I made the best of it but a silent goodbye spelled out the death knell. My first internet date had been an unmitigated disaster and a lesson in the fragility of humans as a whole...

I went home and told the cat all about it. He wasn't impressed and just went to sleep in my lap...

I wanted the Franz Kafka ending... I got the David Lynch ending... What was going on???

(to be continued)

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18 Responses Mar 8, 2009

I don't think so,and I know s few couples they were met from dating site,and they got married www.afrokissing.c0m/,here the site is

I'm glad you wrote this, so true. I had a somewhat similar experience. I'm on a site but hate it, but it's a necessary evil in my small town where there's no other way to meet others.

If one more damn person advertises them as easy going and non-judgemental I'll laugh myself into a coma.

i like your view on internet dating, made me chuckle<br />
that Elsie, god damn i'd tap that ;) mhmmmmmm<br />
i would however like to say that i have met people via the internet<br />
for the purpose of finding a relationship and had success<br />
though on that point as a guy its easier as women don't bombard you with messages about how your the most beautiful thing they've seen ( in other words given the option they'd **** you and leave quickley and quietly the next day never to be found)

you narrated everything so well and so funny

I've never tried internet dating. I love the sarcastic tone of your story. Yes, those e-harmony commercials always make me laugh because they seem so fake. I mean if meeting and connecting with someone were as easy as they make it seem, then they'd be out of business. <br />
<br />
I wonder about why people feel the need to lie about themselves in order to attract someone. I mean if you were never going to meet them I could see it, yet isn't that the point to eventually meet this person? I mean how are they going to hide extra weight, their height or age? Plus if they smoke, a non-smoker can tell right away. Unless they are hoping to attract a desperate imbecile, its likely this person will notice they weren't honest in their profile, unless of course they are the imbecile. <br />
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I think this guy tried to warn you before your date with that rude and mannerless text message. Sounds like he was looking only for sex. Men can be so stupid in their approach. I mean if that's all he wanted there are women that are only interested in that kind of experience and that is what he should have put on his profile. Older man seeks afternoon playmate who enjoys the companionship of a cheap beer loving smoker. Then that's what he would get. I mean what a waste of time otherwise!

This is hystarical! What a talented writer you are. Oh - I've had to awful interent date experiences - the ones that throw back into your face just how darn nieve you could be! One great tool that I suggest - is to have a dating journal - to write these stories / experiences down, with that great sense of humor, I am sure it could be very helpful. My plan is to one day - take some of those - out in left field stories from my journal and then have it made into a movie! in a comic fashion - yet one that others I am sure could relate to - THEN I could at least make a ton of money off these experiences - and provide some laughs or insightfullness to others. Oh there was a few other good dating experiences as well - met some winners, those too can add enjoyment to my movie! LOL

Ive had some bad internet dating experiences with girls. Most arnt as nice as they make out to be and mainly nymphos lol

Everyone is looking for their dream mate - the one with the perfect personality, the perfect body, the right height, never gets upset, wants sex just like you do, no adverse history --- perfect in every way.<br><br />
<br><br />
Unless the ad suggests that they are perfect in every way, no one will respond. So perhaps we are victims of our own expectations, and of course everyone out there would just die to be with us, how could anyone refuse me?<br><br />
<br><br />
Maybe we need to look for someone to share our hobby with us, a friend with common interests, someone we just like to be with, and let it develop from there. If you fly the "I need sex" flag, you will get every sexually looser in 50 miles around.

I love your updates! Thanks for sharing these with us. Hope the internet dating goes better for you in the coming weeks.

Singleliving<br />
<br />
You wrote "to be continued". When are we going to see the next instalment? The first was uproariously funny and very well<br />
written. More please:>)

Awesome funny stories. Don't lose hope. I met an ex-girlfriend on a internet dating site. What is the right personal ad post to attract the right person? Who knows. I don't think anyone is honest about their ads. A comedian suggests putting the worst photo of yourself online, so when you do meet someone they will be pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed. I've posted honest ads before, but they get no responses. Maybe everyone is lying about their age?

There are weirdos in all walks of life, and there is certainly no shortage on the internet. My mom thought I should go out to the bars :) I thought that was just too funny. I found just as many dishonest losers in my daily life as I have on the internet, it's all a big chance we take. almost 10 months ago the internet led me to a special man, so don't give up just yet! <br />
<br />
This story did make me laugh!!!

I have enjoyed reading these. Went to bed laughing.<br />
There is the less amusing side of internet dating where people are out to deceive. Or to put it bluntly, they lie about themselves. Can't deal with that.<br />
Keep writing Angie. You are talented.

I actually had one work.. it too far longer than expected but it panned out..

I know exactly what you mean. A number of years ago I tried online dating as I had gone through a nasty divorce at that time. It was really bad. First off I drove for 2 hours to meet this gal, & when I got to our meeting spot a restaurant at a shopping mall? It was not the person in the photo! Perhaps a decade ago it was, but that day?! But being a gentleman I stuck it out. <br />
<br />
And I agree w/ LadyJane, you should write!

Ok I shall<br />
Have just remembered the ones who post photos which look like their younger brothers:>)

That is utterly hilarious:>)<br />
Some of my experiences include those who describe themselves as tall and when they arrive they are scarcely that. And there are those who say they have post grad quals. From where? And those who say they are separated but still living with the missus. Those who say they are slim and roll in the door. I could go on ...