Houmous And Jelly Saved My Life Today...

The logistics of doing oneself in are a complex thing. There has to be planning, equipment has to be utilised, pills have to be pooled and the cost of using a bottle of vodka for such an appauling act has to be taken into consideration...

I did contemplate the short drop on a length of rope through the loft door, but considering how much weight I have gained in recent months, I ran the risk of not completing the journey and getting wedged in the hatch. Imagine how mortifying it would be to have to be cut, by the fire brigade out of your own ceiling!!!...the shame would be too much to bear.

What has driven me to this morbid state of mind where it seems easier to put out the lights rather than continue on and ever decreasing spiral of loneliness and fear...well I shall enlighten you.

I have recently discovered the horrifying reality of living for a few months with my long (oh so bloody long!!) term boyfriend and seeing how truly toxic the relationship had become.

What, you might say has this to do with Internet dating or it's murderous effects on love...well for a start, thats where I found him. If it hadn't been for the net, our paths would have never crossed. He would have just remained a faceless blob in a circle I never stepped into.

To cut a long story to the bone (and I do not intend to send you hurtling for your own length of rope) we both have 'issues', scars from our previous marriages that are taking their time to heal. I am, as stated before, an over anxious hermit and he is an untrusting, secretive misery who needs constant reassurance.

When I first met him 'on the net' he was vibrant and out to impress. He was different to other men I'd dated because he was not all about sex, he held my attention by being just the right side of intense and deep...he could talk until the cows came home and he was funny!!...we laughed a lot together at the start. I felt lucky to have found someone so so fantastic and so so real...BUT (and it was a big BUT)...

He was addicted to the internet.

The very path that had lead me to him was the very same path that gave him the opportunity to get away from me.

We'd go a few weeks or a couple of months and everything would be fine. He'd tell me how special I was and what I meant to him and then he's get talking to Sarah/Diane/Sally/Lynda/Rachel/Jane or Nicola from Bristol/Dagenham/Maidstone/Croyden or Mars? on one of his late night 'Im feeling a little bit horny' binges... he'd arrange to meet them, win them over and screw them and I'd be cast into the abyss!!!

I walked a few times, turned my back and he'd come around with his 'I miss you Angie'. He'd cry a lot and lament on the past. He'd send flowers and jewellry, arrange lavish meals out and weekends away. Me, of course being soft of heart and even softer of brain, having missed him profusely would take him back with open arms.

Sometimes he'd want us to just be friends (while he continued his covert and seductory internet lifestyle). 'It's for the best' he'd say and I, out of love and hope would go along with it for a while (what an idiot I was). This went on for over two years and I can honestly say I was in a total state of confusion and self loathing pain. I knew he was using me as a doormat but in that time honoured tradition for scoundrels cads and scalliwags, he had a charm that would always win me over. The endless helping me around the home, buying gifts and pampering me with long lay ins and breakfast in bed continued...but so did his cheating.

Something always stopped me from walking away for good. My pathetic attempts to keep him from my door failed. You see he was like a wounded traumatised puppy. To have really kicked him just seemed wrong to me.

We attempted to converse about deeper issues. I wanted to know why he kept coming back and suddenly out of the blue he told me he loved me and that he wanted me to move in with him. I was stunned to say the least. He also said his internet days were over!!!

We both own our own homes. He has a massive mortgage and I have hardly any. He said he thought it would be a good idea for me to sell up and buy into his house, afterall it was bigger and better furnished and close to his work. There had been talk that he may be facing redundancy at some point in the future but it was all a bit shrouded in mystery...again he refused to be pressed on it. The journey to my work would be a little longer but he offered to pay for extra petrol and tolls. Before I knew it I was putting my slippers away in a wardrobe he had cleared for me.

His mother approved, she liked me and I liked her. She implied that he needed to settle down with someone loving and I agreed. It was surely looking like a rosy future. I could envisage us selling up and moving to the coast in a few years, buying a dog, having the neighbours round for a barbecue, walking hand in hand on the beach and laughing about how we met...I discovered that living with him was a whole different game altogether.

I never realised he drank so much. ..

Of course I had only really ever seen him on the weekends when we both enjoyed a nice bottle of wine but he seemed totally unable to switch off unless he'd consumed almost a whole bottle to himself a night. He'd lay on the couch with his shirt unbuttoned 'letting it all hang out' and farting. I busied myself with cooking dinner which he would consume without a word and then guzzle up the leftovers like a demented vaccum cleaner. He'd constanly ask me if I was alright but if I dared to air my feelings, he would stare blankly at the TV and then say 'Well well, time for bed' and off we'd scuttle with him farting and me silently fuming!

He complained bitterly about his day, there never seemed to be any good news and he never asked about mine. It was grating on me, but in the name of trying to do the right thing, I held back my dissatisfaction. He was also texting someone discreetly and when he used the computer he would never allow me to see.

On the last (yes folks, the last) booze induced night, I had managed to pursued him to bed at a reasonable hour. It was a Sunday night and we both had work the following morning. He reluctantly got into bed (more farting...It was like a gas chamber) and proceeded start a fight. He accused me of:

* Going through his phone (even though he constantly had it on him)

* Being in the way and never giving him space

* Using him for money, even though I had never asked for a single thing

* Being home later than I had said

and (shock horror) * Trying to counsel him about his securities and worries???? What the fuckety ****??????

He then got up and proceeded to throw all my things into garbage bags and dump them by the door...all this at 1am.

I left and I haven't been back!!!

He called yesterday to say he wanted to stay friends??? I felt defeated and crushed but for the first time in my relationship with him, I actually told him to '**** the hell off' ramboesque style!

It felt good and then I cried and cried and cried myself to sleep.

I know I won't ever go back to him and  I feel like a big fat failure. I considered briefly ending it all but consolled myself with some houmous and some apple and watermelon jelly...it was the highlight of my day!!

Today he was back on an internet dating site and I want to ask myself why...but I just can't.

To me internet dating has killed love...it has killed my love

Internet dating truly almost killed me.

Angie 2010

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Feb 27, 2010