I Never Imagined I'd Be Here Now

I think I've fallen out of love with my husband. Not something I ever thought I'd feel much less admit, but it's where I am now. I loved him once, before his lies and betrayals, his denials and deflections. And yet despite all his betrayals and hurtful behavior, I've stayed with him. What does that say about me?

I gave up a successful career to be the stay-at-home wife he craved. I made his world, including his children by previous wives, his dreams and his goals - my top priority. I willingly let friendships slip through my fingers, because I thought focusing on him and our marriage was more important than maintaining friendships.

I allowed myself to become financially dependant on a husband I thought (imagined?) would never trample my heart, and now I find myself stuck in a marriage of convenience. Stay or go isn't a simple flip of a coin, it's a huge, even momentous decision. And here I stay, stuck, fearful of leaving and starting over at my age, but just as fearful of staying and having this indifference turn into hatred.

I waited to marry until my 40's, when I knew myself well enough to know what I didn't want as much as what I DID want. I never imagined I'd be here now.