Bewildered and Fatigued

Sorry that you are here - I would like to provide you with some insight from a married woman on the otherside of this story.

I too am married, for 8 years. I have never, EVER completely shared my entire emotional existence with anyone - not even my therapist.

I am not trying to defend your wife (since I don't know situation, etc.) but maybe help share an experience that may help you see her side in a different light.

I love my husband - and I am loyal, and so is he. Keeping parts of me emotionally away from people has been a defense mechanism that I have used for many, many years -- too keep myself safe. This has been the only way I have been able to cope.

It's not that I don't want to let someone in - and maybe someday I will meet someone that I can let in, but be gentle on your wife. /she's not sick because she is seeing a therapist - she is trying to cope and that is why she is seeing a therapist.

Count your blessings - you have 4 great kids.

You have a lot of staying power to stay that long I'd of left long ago I hope life gets better but don't stay in a relationship for the children as it is not good for them either

I have met many people who, for example, just keep busy so they don't have to think or feel. Or they don't have the example of the kind of sharing you are speaking of in the homes they grew up in, so they believe that what they do is perfectly normal. Some are just not that deep. Or are even embarassed that they are, so they do not share. Women of that generation (I'm not that much older than she, if she is close to your age) were taught that it was unattractive to be truly emotional - that men don't WANT that. That they want what she appears to be. The flirting and teasing lets her know how much control she has as a woman. Perhaps she's never been taught about real intimacy, which is re-learned (we had it as children - no internal censor). Once what 'acceptable' behavior is is learned, it takes a lot more to unlearn it.

Your situation stinks. Twenty years is a long time to be in a relationship that doesn't go deeper than "how was your day". Life is indeed too short. It is quite possible to be in therapy and not make much progress; a person who is so accustomed to hiding her true self is probably not going to be able to just reveal all to a therapist and it would take time and a very good counselor.

I know you want to find a sweet woman to have deep conversations, and I truly understand the loneliness. But that would only make things way more complicated for you. You need to make the decision to stay or go based on how you feel now, and having another woman in your mind may sway you to make a choice that in the long run will not be best for you or your family.

great advise I think I wish I could give it as well as that

MizzBlue72, thanks for such a thoughtful and personal reply. It is most appreciated, to be sure. I truly hope that you can figure out your issues, while I work on my situation. I will be thinking of you. As for my wife, she has stopped seeing her therapist since she told my wife that lying is not a big deal ("everybody does it") and that not to concern herself with her ""indiscretions" as if constant cheating and flirting is not a destructive thing. She only seemed to want to soothe my wife and not have her worry about living in non-reality for 45 years. We are effectively separated now, sleeping in different rooms since I cannot sleep with a habitual liar who cares more for maintaining a life full of lies, than overcoming them and getting past them. It seems to get more painful each day. Were it not for my beautiful kids and thriving businesses, I would have surely gone mad myself.

Again, thanks for such a thoughtful reply.

NebullaNoxx, you are right to say that her behavior is tough to un-learn and that it likely reverts to a lost opportunity for real intimacy. Funny though, she knows physical intimacy too well, just not emotional. Very sad. The "outside world" thinks we have the ideal marriage, family and situation, except those she has had "flirting" and relationships with. I do not believe that she stopped physical relationships with others merely because of a marriage certificate. Again, it i a tough ne to un-learn, no doubt.

To Underneath, you are so right on when you say that the therapy was just another place o hide her true self from and speak in fictional riddle. The therapist and the psychiatrist had yet to firmly land on any single diagnosis. They merely said it was "non-specific" and could be bi-polar, post traumatic stress from the sexual encounters that began at age 12 (she led me to believe that she was practicaly a virgin before we were married), repetition compulsion and possibly other personality disorders. My wife claims her upbringing was loveless from parents (more concerned with status than raising their kids) but many people had the same background as her.

To Catwill, your support is kind and words about my children stuck in this predicament is poignantly correct, too. Thanks. I am doing my best to make sense of a senseless and tragic situation.

I will continue to try but feel that "official" divorce is looming nearer and nearer. I am nearing the veery end of my rope and patience.

I wish all the best to those of you having difficulty, too. I am entirely alone in this in that I have not been able to tell friends or family about all of this since she has either cheated or "flirted" with friends of mine, my employees, my family members, her family members, parents of my children's friends, her co-workers, etc., etc. I am still in shock!

Could still use a friend.

When we hurt, we want others to know. We want to make the hurt go away and so we share our pain. It's very sad when you have to share with strangers to feel better. You can't get that from the person who is suppose to be there for you.

I am neutral in taking sides, only feeling your pain (and perhaps her pain) of a marriage facing eminent divorce, with kids involved. It is all very sad.

And as I type this, I have tears streaming down my face because my own marriage makes me miserable as well. I feel your pain and agony. My story varies significantly from yours, but the feelings are the same: bitterness, disapoointment, frustration, anger, insanity with a great sense of failure because I couldn't make it work for myself or my kids.

I desperately want my marriage to work. But I realize and am accepting that things will never change. My grief of "this is the rest of my life" is what guides me to the determination that divorce is the only answer. Because I don't want to live my life in misery.

Find comfort that you're not alone and this state of misery is only temporary. I'm struggling through it, like you are struggling through it.

I am 52 years old have 4 children the youngest being 14.I am outgoing and had looked at marriage as meaning Us not he and I.She does not want to share her feelings with you,there is something not right about this.A marriage is supposed to be a partnership.Sharing your life with someone,Not excluding ,sharing.Life is too short to waste with someone who does not want to share her life with you.

Hello Everyone...
I have never posted a comment. I am in my early 30's married almost 4 yrs but with my husband a total of 15yrs (we were HS sweethearts). Our relationship has never been great. I feel very sad and lonely in my marriage. We are intimate once a week if even and although it is usually great, it feels as though it's lacking something emotionally. My husband is NOT physically abusive thank GOD. However, he spent a good 3/4 of our relationship lying to me about EVERYTHING and is very abrasive when he speaks ot me. He is not affectionate. We spend most of our time together in seperate rooms and barely have any meaningful conversation other than, "how was ur day?" and "what did the baby do today?" What is most eraging to me, s the factthat he will act this way and then come 10pm he's miraculously nice and wants to fool around. We have had several issues in our marriage that I just don't have the strength to get into right now. I just don't know if I want to continue living this way. It feels as if we're here for our son and because it's convenient. I'm so sad :(