Stuck Between Doing What's Right And Wanting To Be Happy....

I've been married for 10 years. I got pregnant in an early age. Because of the guilt we followed what our parents want us to do, we got married! I bore another child the following year. I'm now 27 and could not found anything in common with my husband. I was just 17 when I got pregnant.  We don't have common friends, we don't go out unless the children are with us. If he needs to go to his friends I need to be home to take care of the kids and vice versa. I feel like I love and care for him because he is the father of my kids but I'm not happy anymore. I don't find him attractive and I only have sex with him as if it's my obligation. I never had another man in my life. My husband was my first boyfriend. Now I feel like I want to be happy and be in love again but I love my kids so much that i feel guilty and selfish for feeling that way.  We tried to separate before but my kids don't want us to. We got back together and decided to stay together for the kids. But it kills me when I meet other guys who are attracted to me and to think I could have been happy with another man. Is it worth it to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids? Aside from working overseas, which I think is one factor I've fallen out of love because there were times when I need someone to be there and he was not around.  I know he was doing it for us but I'm only human, I want someone to be there for me during my hardships. My husband once left us just because he wants to be alone and be on his own. He returned after a couple. After that my love for him was not the same as before. There were just too many secret, jealousy and lies in this marriage. 

liberteamour liberteamour
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 18, 2010

Hi,
I don't know if you're still married or what you decided to do, but I'm just going to give my 2 cents as a kid who was stuck between two parents in an unhappy marriage. This might be different than your situation if it's not obvious to your kids that you're unhappy, but for my siblings and I, it was obvious. My parents argued everyday and my dad was all around miserable to be around. We used to cheer and run around the house all happy and stuff when they announced they were seperating, and then get all sad again when they got back together. They are still together now.
I honestly do not think parents should stay together if they are unhappy. It creates too too much resentment in a household. Resentment towards your kids. Resentment towards each other. Kids' resentment towards you. I hate to break this to you, but if you don't want to get a divorce because you are afraid that your kids will resent you for breaking apart your family, they're going to resent you regardless. It's what kids do best. They resent their parents. It must be like a law of nature or something. And honestly, even if your kids were an abnormality and aren't just naturally full of teenage resentment, they'll still resent you for not loving your spouse. I resent my dad for not loving my mom and creating a happy family for us. I'm 20 and I still resent him for it, no matter how hard I try not to. And unfortunately, I resent my mom for not being someone I can respect. Because my dad put her down so much and didn't love her and made fun of how she dressed and acted like she wasn't good enough, I unfortunately (and I already feel so much guilt for this) have carried on the same sentiments for her. But seeing a person treated like that for your entire life makes you think that you can treat them like that too. And so I've had to deal with changing myself, my attitude, and a whole lot of self-hatred. The point I'm trying to make is: do not make yourself unhappy in a foolhardy effort to make your kids happy. In the end, all of you are just going to end up miserable and with a hell of a lot of issues.

That said, my one little piece of advice is please do not have kids with the person you end up marrying if you do get a divorce. I can say this since I'm online and anonymous (but I'm sure your kids are thinking it too). Your kids will not feel replaced by you marrying someone you can love. But they will feel so so so hurt and cast aside and jealous if you have kids with that person. Maybe that's just me and I'm too jealous or petty, but I feel like the one thing I would not be able to handle is one of my parents having kids with a new spouse. They're still together though so this isn't some secret venting...I'm just telling you honestly what would have hurt me. A divorce would not have. And honestly, eventually, I think your kids could see the good in that too. BUT do not move too far away from your ex-spouse. Just because I wanted my parents to get a divorce, doesn't mean I want them thousands of miles away from each other. I would want them to stay friends (or even better, neighbors). Lol if you've ever seen the show Reba, I think that's what I'm talking about.

Thanks y'all for your advice...I really appreciate it!...recently we talked and i finally told him how I feel but he disregard it saying it's natural for a married couple to feel that way after being married for a very long time. He at one point accused that I might be having an affair that why I'm feeling that way..When really I'm not but I always dream of being with someone I'm inlove with...I'll keep u guys posted on what will happen next...again thanks so much and I wish all of you a happy and blessed days with your loved ones...=)

Take a chance on yourself! and in turn you can show your kids how to be happy.<br />
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If you can stay friends with him even better so they can learn how to have a healthy relationship.<br />
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I know the old was stay for the kids but i have met a lot of couples after the kids are all grown splitting up. Don't waste time investing in something that is not making you happy!<br />
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On the other hand examine your motives and love for your husband as well.<br />
May you find your happiness! EE

Get out! Staying for the kids is NOT fair to them nor to you! Take it from someone who is there!

When I was 16 I thought I was not the marrying type. Now 20 years into one, I'm pretty convinced that I was right. We too broke up for awhile and got back together for our great kids. Our staying together seems to have been good for them, because we have been able to co-parent with love, dignity and consistent values. It was important to me to give my children the best opportunity to be balanced human beings, so it would have been easy for me to leave a volatile situation. As our marriage is not volatile, I feel blessed but for the slow erosion of essential trust and respect. Too many lies and disrespect. And with so much water under the bridge, and the last of our children almost of age, I do dream of feeling loved and of loving again, of being seduced again, and of just being happy.<br />
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Recently, I've started some soul searching - asking myself what, if anything, am I doing to contribute to the problem. That thought process seems to remind me that I do have the freedom to determine what is best for me. We'll see where it goes from there...

i am also in an unhappy marrige 4 my kids.....does that even make sence!?!