A Lot of Men Are Abused...

I originally wrote this as a response to a quote from someone that domestic violence against men is nowhere near as prevelant as domestic violence against women but I ended up telling the story that happened to me and it felt good to finally tell it so here we go:


I'm not sure a lot of the statistics of the amount of male victims of domestic violence against female victims of domestic violence.  I mean we all know men who get abused by their partners and we all know that when they go to the hospital they generally won't admit who beat them and they wouldn't go to the police either.  Most men generally don't have a way out either.  If my best mate's mom didn't pick me up from the hospital, drive me back home and let me move into her house till it all blew over i'd probably be dead by now because otherwise I had nowhere else to go and she had attempted to murder me before.  Did I once tell the hospital where my shattered wrist, torn shoulder, broken nose and stab wound came from?  No, not at all.  Did she feel any remorce at playing the role loving, supportive girlfriend in the hospital when it was her who caused those injuries?  Not in the slightest.  Did anyone from the hospital ever question why I was continually being injured in the early hours of the morning whn I was at home?  No.  Did I go to the police about her?  Yes once.  Did they take it seriously?  No, according to them I should be able to "suck it up and take it like a man".

The battered womens centre in my area didn't want to take me becuase it "may cause distress to the women staying there".  It's difficult enough to leave a relationship like this as it is especially when the only quick and safe escape route there is won't take you in - especially when it's based on your gender.

It's difficult for me to write this as a man because what sort of man gets beat up by a woman????  The truth is I was more than able to stand my ground but I couldn't fight back, I couldn't push her away or try and fight back or do anything or else I would be the one in prison for domestic violence.  I couldn't leave because I had no-where to go, I was in a city miles from my home town, miles from my family and miles from any of my friends - with no support from the shelters that are there to help victims.

Many people didn't believe that a small woman like her could cause harm to me?  But how difficult is it to attack someone with the threat of accusing me of abuse if I fight back?  It's also not difficult to attack someone who's asleep, especially not if you use a weapon when you attack them.


I didn't mean for that to turn into my sorry story, but when I did get out and I did get back to Middlesbrough I was a changed person. I was almost unrecognisable to the outgoing, friendly person I was.  I was just thankful to be alive and afraid still that she might find me again.  Thankfully she didn't and I met a lot of people who had been in the same situation I had and guess what?  None of them told the hospital when they went who injured them and also none of them went to the police.

This tells me that a lot of the statistics we have at the moment for Domestic Violence are flawed and until we get the message out to men that it is not right for a woman to beat them and it is not shameful to admit that they have been beaten by their partner then we will have more and more people ending up in the same situation.

I found it difficult to trust women for a long time and i'm so lucky to have met someone as patient and loving as my wife who has supported me through councelling and has been so understanding throughout everything especially considering I was incredibly neurotic in the bergining of the relationship that I feared to be alone even in public with her, never mind being alone not in public.  It took me over a year to dare to fall asleep near her and that was only when i'd sleep on the sofa with the door shut so that i'd hear her coming in!  It feels great to be able to trust her enough now to sleep next to her.

I don't know why I want to discuss this on here but it hurts to read people saying that women are the only real victims of Domestic Violence when there are a lot of male victims who dont report the violence to anyone for fear of ridicule.

Maybe I should have faught back or left earlier but for me it wasn't as easy as that being brought up to believe to no matter what never push, hit or hurt a woman physically.  Threats of her accusing me of hitting her did a lot to stop me doing anything.  I was just lucky that I was picked up from the hospital so that she couldn't accuse me of attacking her and then running away.

Thanks for reading.  I don't know why I wanted to tell this story but i'm glad I have


chrisuk chrisuk
2 Responses Mar 13, 2009

How is feminism NOT to blame?! It has increased the rights and protection of women (especially in these types of circumstances), directly correlating to the decrease of rights (the man's ability to protect himself without being assumed the perpetrator) and protection of men.<BR><BR>For example, laws that push for 'must arrest' situations, like these, and guess who gets arrested the MAJORITY of the time?!

I am so sorry for all that you had to go through. It is so true that a man can not fight back, because then he is accused of being the batterer. I am so happy for you that you found a woman you can love and trust. It says a lot about her, being there for you through all this. I wish you all the best in life.