Although There Is No Research To Back This Up..

Perhaps I am wrong, but I am inclined to believe there are as many men abused as women.  However men tend to remain silent about what they have endured due to the way our society views abused men.  
 
It seems men do not have the same type of freedom that women have to tell.  This is so wrong.  Men deserve to be given the same opportunity as women to speak with out the worry of being frowned upon or stereo-typed as gay or weak.   Abused men are no weaker then women.  And if it so happens that an abused man is gay, it does it does not necessarily mean it is a result of his abuse.
 
I would like to send a direct message to men.   Please,  if you have been abused, please do not suffer in silence, alone with your pain.   

Why are you remaining quiet? 
Do you feel your abuse is a secret? 
If you believe your abuse should be kept a secret, why?

The abuse may have been a secret at one time, but it was NEVER EVER your secret.   No, it was and it is not your secret.   You, like so many others, were told "it's a secret."    And  I guess perhaps it was a secret while it was happening.   You were fooled into believeing it was by the person who abused you.   The secret that you have been towing does not belongs to you, it belongs to the person who abused  you.  

Please, make a stand and refuse to carry the burden of a secret that does not belong to you.    Call one of the resources that are listed on this page.   By speaking out you will be paving the way for other men who are living in silence so he does not have to remain in silence. 
 
You are not to blame.
You have done nothing wrong.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of.  
You had no control over what happened. 
You did not ask to be abused anymore then you wanted to be abuse.  
 
The only person at fault for the wrong doing is the person who took advantage of your trust and who betrayed you. 
    
RESOURCES THAT MAY HELP

If you are a male survivor of sexual abuse here are a few web sites to get you started. 

MaleSurvivor                                                                                                                                                                                 
http://www.malesurvivor.org/survivors.html                                                                                                                                                                                                     (They have a neswletter and lots of personal experience from other men.)   

Men's Web       
http://www.menweb.org/sexabupg.htm                                                                                                                                                                                                   
One of the Largest sites for men on all issues in life

After Silence  
http://www.aftersilence.org/male-survivors.php     

Pandora's Project. 
http://www.pandys.org/malesurvivors.html

Abuse Empowered Survive Thrive     
http://www.aest.org.uk/survivors/male/

RAINN 1-800-656-HOPE  (A hotline that will hook you up with a group in the area you live in) 

Father's Touch                                            
http://www.fatherstouch.com/

Hope For Healing Org              
http://www.hopeforhealing.org/male.html

 BOOKS

1) Climbing Out of Hell by Jeffrey Miller.                         
2) The Invisible Wound. by Dr. Wayne Kritzberg                      
3)  A Man Overcomes The Tragic Aftermath Of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Richard Berendzen      

Four excellent books by a great author, Scott Abraham

1)  Be Gone        
2)  Survival and Living                               
3)  Yes, Women Do                                                            
4)   Take Care of Your Mother; or Else                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Hot Peaches   
http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/canada1.html


TWO MORE BOOKS 

When She Was Bad  by Patrica Pearson                                    
Abused Men: The Hidden Side Of  Domestic Violence   by Philip Cook         
 

 
 

 


 

sherry123456789 sherry123456789
46-50, F
22 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Why are you remaining quiet? Because I don't feel that anyone ever really listens or cares what I say, thats how my friends are it seems and good luck talking to my parents.<br />
Do you feel your abuse is a secret? Some types yes, others no, unless theres something major involved.<br />
If you believe your abuse should be kept a secret, why? Because then people don't look at me weird or think I'm doing it for attention. I've excepted whats happened in my life, to a point, and despite it am trying to move on. To get away from what happened.

See my stories on this subject at <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=1358512" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
and<br />
<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Know-Men-Are-Battered/1358515." target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

Early Red Flag Validation - I am a 51 year old father of 2 kids ages 9 and 10. 9 years ago, 6 years before my eventual divorce in 2007, and months before the first police/court involvement in my domestic violence story, I was one day invited to join with a group of my older brothers friends to share a beer. While sitting among a stereotypical group of married men sharing a beer (not drunks) at their once a week after-work gathering, a few of a few of the guys shared a set of "stereotypical" , generally humorous stories which might begin with either.. "My wife is crazy... she....." or "Women are crazy... they...". The stories would generally end with a validation of the other guys, who would say, "yep... mine does the same thing... yep, they're all crazy... yep." In general I have disdain for this type of macho humor, but I decided this was a good opportunity to share my own "My wife is crazy... story...:" in hopes that I would get some validation that my wife's behavior was within the "normal" boundaries of the "stereotypical" set of "married life" humorous stories. After sharing my story involving one of my wife's increasingly regular "abusive behaviors," someone in the group stated, "no... wait a minute... that is "really" crazy". It wasn't a humorous comment. It was the first time that I had shared with other men some part of the verbal and emotional abuse I was receiving by my wife. It validated what I probably already knew, but really needed to be shared and have validated by other married men. Although I at this point can't remember the detail of what I shared... the validation the behavior was "crazy" and "abusive" I will never forget.

Thanks for sharing this information. This is something that should be shared amongst prison inmates, young men in high school, College and Elementary just so they will know that if this kind of behavior is gong on in there life then they must tell someone and not be afraid to tell it, if they feel that they cannot talk with there parents or someone about it then go to the Authorities. If not then the sexual predator will continue to tear many lives apart. Please help us save our men. They are all of our men. This should not happen to anyone, there is no excuse for it and it's just unacceptable. Women do have a tendacy of thinking that abuse of all kind is just happening with them but we need to consider the feelings of the men and try and reach as many men of the world that we can reach and let them know that it is okay to share there story with someone that is on there side. This has to be a very hard thing to carry around on anyones shoulders. Please tell someone if you are going through this. I worry about my adult son who is now 24 I wonder if any thing has ever happened to him like this, I have asked him several times but he says no, he has isolated himself from the world and now is going through all kind of emotional problems. He has just been diagnosed with Schizophenic and I just pray for him in his life that he will either grow out of this or just open up and talk about all of the things that may have brought all of this hardship on his life about. Let us continue to pray for one another. Be blessed all~

Great post and resources! Last year, I attended a College Fashion show during which they also had speakers who addressed the different kinds of abuse including verbal and emotional abuse. It was a surprise to me to realize the verbal and emotional abuse that I have tried to tolerate in my marriage not realizing how bad it was for me. I'm still in the marriage, but I have tried to distance myself as best I can and I'm working on having options in the future available to me once my children all complete their schooling. Thanks again for a great post! <br />
<br />
Best Wishes! Mel

MuicMouse I really like your point on the CPS. With them you are guilty until proven innocent.

Good point Sherry. I also think that there maybe a large portion of abused men that do not even know that they were emotionally abused until they have gotten out of the relationship.

I do believe in the work you are doing, Sherry, to promote more awareness of this situation and the hope of stirring up more compassion for the victims of sexual abuse crimes whether or not they are male or female

I found your story to be very enlightening and to the point, however, in comparison to my own experience it was not necessarily true that victims of sexual abuse were beaten always. I wasn't beaten by the perpetrator in my case did not beat me. What had happened was that over time I was conditioned by the perp to give them what they wanted and I will get rewards for doing so. I would get gifts for cooperating. And the perp wasn’t a parent, but another close family member. Then as I grew up, another family would participate and this one also did not beat me into cooperation, but also offered gifts of money or whatever else that I couldn’t get from my parents, like alcohol was one of them. Now when I was young my parents did punish me, by groundings, and sometimes I was hit with a belt, and not often I was either slapped or hit in the face by my father in particular, but my parents never abused me, but they tried their best to teach me right from wrong, so when I was old enough then I learned who was the true abuser the one who used me for their own selfish pleasure and did nothing to show me the true love of compassion and the desire of the highest good for someone else. Instead what I saw as I grew was two standards, one for the best that I can be and the other to use and degrade me, I seen that even a quite gentile person can be manipulative and cunning to get what he wants without causing undue harm and yet can be as effective as a deadly poison. That experience had effected the way I think and view relationships on the whole that I would feel that I couldn’t trust anyone, and trust is most essential in any relationship. So for myself it wasn’t that my parents beat me for no reason and that was why I was abused, it was because of these con artists who conned me out of my innocence and used me for their selfish interests and that was what caused me the most severe pain. I still respect and love my parents to this day and I am not angry with them for the choices and the punishments they made while raising me, I think that they did the best they could with what they knew at that time. I probably did not make the best choices either, and now reaping the harvest of those choices. However, even though I am all grown up and do not have a relationship currently that is abusive, I do encounter occasionally some individuals who tend to be cunning and attempt to take advantage of my good graces, and sometimes test my limits, and those are the types that I consider to be abusive, for example some one who comes on too strong, or tries to find something on me that they can spread around to humiliate me, those characters are the ones who are abusive and those are the types I do my best to avoid any type of friendship because I do not know what they are capable of.<br />
Since those years are gone past, I have come closer to a new relationship with God, and found that he is the loving Father of all of those who will seek Him, for He has loved us so much though we abuse His good graces as well, He wants us back, and through His Son Jesus Christ we can find our way back to the home, loving home, He has prepared for us. Through Jesus Christ we have true healing of all of those wounds that was caused by those demons of the past, all you have to do is ask Him. Will you also give your heart to Him today?

Sadly but true, this topic concern everyone not only the USA population but also the AFRICAN population as well the different is the way thing are conducted and the laws that are put to practice...many things happened to men, boys, children and they are forced to endure this because the society or the country think that it is fine because they are boys...like the stupid thing i dislike is 'boys don't cry'...you cannot hug, kiss or hold boy too long because it could make them less of a man...what the hell is wrong with peoples they are boys...kids...men and they are human too who have right to affection...

Yes they are and btw i think even more confused. Would love to share with you Sherry

I was touched and played naked with my friend and her mom when I was 10 years old. I didn't consider it abuse and in fact compared to the way my own mother was, anti body and anti sex, it was a delight.<br />
They are my most happy childhood memories.<br />
A worst kind of abuse is not to be loved and made to feel ashamed or your own body.<br />
The biggest problem is not the so called abuse, but societys reaction to it.<br />
Of course if some says no it should mean no.

Actually, Sherry, there is research that shows domestic violence in the US and UK is roughly even between male and female significant others. If I come across it again, I'll p.m. you, but the story I have copied and pasted from Michelle Langley in this group has footnotes to sources on this. <br />
<br />
Musicmouse, you are absolutely right about spanking and the Swedish idea.. Pardon me, but if swatting on the rear is unconscionable violence, what in the world are all the "right-minded" people going to do about the sexual practices of normal straight married people that typically include this? But back to children, unscrupulous academics have lumped beatings together with spankings in their research to try to discredit the latter. Studies of spankings alone have shown positive outcomes.<br />
<br />
Hope much good comes from the book, Sherry.

I would just like to add that recently i was made aware of my son who is 23 being abused by his g/f he refuses to do anything about it.He was living with my older daughter in calif and she saw the g/f punching him and calling him names etc But when my daughter suggested he get away from her he refuses because they have a 2 yr old son together and the g/f uses that as leverage to keep my son with her " saying " you leave me you wont see your son anymore " and she has done so in the past.

Very interesting. Food for thought.

I couldn't agree with you more Sherry!!! It happens all over..we just don't hear about it...but some just choose not to see it which makes a bad situation worse!!

I lived in an abusive relationship with my ex wife for 14 years. I just don't know why I didn't get out sooner ( My co-dependence I guess) . I have had 2 children to her and even though we have been separated for 6 years, the abuse still continues and she uses the kids ( and her mother) as pawns to gain controll over me. I am finally starting to wake up to her behaviour. I agree men can also be abused, if not sexually, emotionally.

Hi Sherry - abuse is a topic that is truly taboo in our society, whether it be of elders, men, women and especially children. It is a sad fact in our small lives that so many of us have been abused and so little done to break the circle.<br />
<br />
I once read (or was told) that one in 4 girls is abused and one is 6 boys. I don't know if that is true or not, but I wouldn't be surprised.<br />
<br />
I have known ALL too many women that were sexually or physically abused. And the worst part, is somehow this continues in families generation after generation. Boys, men, women girls, - I just wish we could all take notice, and take great care of each other and were able to prevent these millions of tragedies each day.<br />
<br />
Sometimes reality really is cruel.<br />
<br />
For those of you recovering memories, or trying to recover from the emotional, physical or spiritual damage, please take care of yourselves, try to learn to love yourselves again and have the faith to hold on, to not only see the dark side of life and to have hope and believe that you to, with courage and strength can live a better life again, and teach those around you to be aware of what exists, and to help others who may be in the same situations you were, and to hold yourself high.

Good informative story. I believe more potential parents should voluntarily be sterilized. <br />
<br />
As far as the crimes of the Catholic Church and it's band of child molesters; they should have been prosecuted as well as those who assisted them to relocate to continue their crimes. ANY one in the church who knew and who did not speak out is included. I also include the Pope(s) who served the church during period these crimes took place. <br />
Paco35:)

im with you totally dude

I'm sure you are right. It's a subject that is rarely discussed. Perhaps, Sweden did a wise thing, making it against the law to spank children...Perhaps, this is a beginning. So many cultural habits, are abusive--and they continue through the generations due to ignorance. I think boys and men are just as often victims of abuse as females are....it just isn't discussed--for the reasons you listed. When I was growing up, Public school teachers could use wooden paddles on kids---girls were only paddled on their hands. Boys were sent to the principal and told to "grab their ankles".... think about it--who was more humiliated and actually hurt--the boys or the girls? Most parents, used straps, paddles, hairbrushes, switches and other weapons on their children...it was considered proper - parenting..."spare the rod and spoil the child." This was simply the culture at that time, no one thought anything about it.. My father in law was so severely beaten by his father, he couldn't attend school for two weeks after. This beating was administered for something the child was completely innocent of. Today, CPS probably would have removed the child from the home.

I know plenty about this topic,gots the scars to prove it.<br />
yes,U.S. courts are biased(somewhat understandably)<br />
criminal penalties are nowhere near the same for men and women.<br />
I'm just glad to be out of mutually abusive relationships,despite the cost...